ConfusedMama
10-26-2012, 11:10 AM
I am so confused. I found this site in a desperate Hail-Mary Google Search. I have been suffering from depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, and panic attacks literally as long as I can remember. I grew up in a bad way, with drug addicted/alcoholic/abusive parents. This lead to abusive relationships. Two months after my first husband left me and my two kids, I met the man who would become my second husband. We had a very rough relationship. He is a very very jealous/insecure man. He also struggles with depression, alcoholism, and an addiction to pain pills (he has a disabling knee injury). He left me almost exactly 1 year ago.
After he left I was ELATED. I was on top of the world. Just me and my kids, I had a great job, a great apartment, I was in school...I literally was on cloud 9. Independent and LOVING IT. Then my position at work became seasonal, and I had no money. I was forced to go on state assistance after 6 months when I couldn't find another job. Then my car broke down, the guy I was seeing ended things, and I couldn't afford my kid's private preschool tuition. Everything sort of crumbled down around me. When my ex came back into my life - I clung to him. I was in a deep depression and needed SOMEONE. We married in July.
Fast forward to present day...
I was forced to go to the doctor after 10 years of choosing to go without a PCP. Straight away I was put on Zoloft, Xanax, and pain pills. Now I am back to being ME. I am lucid, I have energy, I can play with my kids and ENJOY LIFE. The only problem is: Now I can see that the only reason I married my husband was because of the deep depression I was in. Although I love him, and care about him, I am not in love with him. The thought of sex with him disgusts me.
So WTF do I do now?! I don't want to discuss this with him because he has suicidal tendencies and has said he would kill himself without me. But I am so unhappy that im married to him I have considered getting into therapy and seeing what a therapist thinks, but that will take time. Anyone with any thoughts???? I am so desperate and confused.
Getting better shouldn't make my life worse....
After he left I was ELATED. I was on top of the world. Just me and my kids, I had a great job, a great apartment, I was in school...I literally was on cloud 9. Independent and LOVING IT. Then my position at work became seasonal, and I had no money. I was forced to go on state assistance after 6 months when I couldn't find another job. Then my car broke down, the guy I was seeing ended things, and I couldn't afford my kid's private preschool tuition. Everything sort of crumbled down around me. When my ex came back into my life - I clung to him. I was in a deep depression and needed SOMEONE. We married in July.
Fast forward to present day...
I was forced to go to the doctor after 10 years of choosing to go without a PCP. Straight away I was put on Zoloft, Xanax, and pain pills. Now I am back to being ME. I am lucid, I have energy, I can play with my kids and ENJOY LIFE. The only problem is: Now I can see that the only reason I married my husband was because of the deep depression I was in. Although I love him, and care about him, I am not in love with him. The thought of sex with him disgusts me.
So WTF do I do now?! I don't want to discuss this with him because he has suicidal tendencies and has said he would kill himself without me. But I am so unhappy that im married to him I have considered getting into therapy and seeing what a therapist thinks, but that will take time. Anyone with any thoughts???? I am so desperate and confused.
Getting better shouldn't make my life worse....