disconnecteddamsel
10-23-2012, 01:56 AM
okay...
ill start from the beginning.
but first let me start by saying dont judge me. please.
when I was three I was molested by my baby sitters husband.
I don't remember it but sometimes certain things trigger unwanted anxiety.
for example a few years back my boyfriend inserted his fingers in me... and the feeling of my vagina being stretched by fingers made me feel so violated I cried to my mom and she reminded me of.my childhood horror.
when I was about six or seven I watched HBO late at night and some soft core.porn came on.
I dont know what in my little mind made me feel it was okay to.mimic what I saw with my female friends but I did. and one day I becalmed so overwhelmed with guilt about it I told my mom (and she's super-Jesus Christian) she explained to me that that's gay and wrong and no one should touch me I. those places. so I developed OCD. I was afraid of my own body. anything that touched my.privates was deemed off.limits and if I touched myself by mistake I would scrub hat ever part touched the wrong area. for example. in fourth grade my index finger slipped while wiping in the bathroom and touched my vagina - I refused to touch anything with that finger for years - and if I did I would feel so guilty I'd wash what ever I touched repeatedly until I felt it was clean enough. another example. anything my nude body touched before was trash... like my.carpet in my bedroom... I laid on it naked as a kid... once the ocd started I refused to walk around barefoot in there. I'd wear socks at all times.on this carpet and when I stepped.out of my room I would take off my.socks. I didn't want to Contaminate the rest of the house.
my mother never knew about this because I hid it very well.
anyways once I grew older and started having sexual urges towards boys I eventually got.over the fear of my self.
I turned to alcohol and abused it badly.. along with hallucinatory drugs.
I've stifled things for.so ling and drank until I didn't care about anything. especially myself. I lost my.morals my pride my self respect. I was searching for the Love I never got from home as a child and always endedbup disappointed.
until I met the Guy I'm with now. he helped.me quit drinking and he makes me feel loved like I've never been loved before. I felt on top of the world.
until recently.
I've always had bad anxiety but never as bad as recently.
about two months ago I had a terrible tooth ache.
I bought a bottle.of aleve and took about 20 in three days then realized u aren't supposed to.take more than three a day.
well the first panic attack happened the day I realized I took too much mixed with about four shots of espresso I overdosed on caffeine.
I was having sex with my.boyfriend and realized I wasn't paying attention to what was going on.
like I didn't realize he was in top of me my mind was every where else.
what caused my panic was when I realized I wasn't able to focus I was remembering that he told me earlier he was going to pick up his kids the next day. then I though eww why am I thinking about the.kids while this is happening so I tried so hard to focus on him and the more I tree the more I felt like a bad person for not being able to focus and freaking myself out asking why would the.kids come to my mind at a time like this. then my thoughts jumbled together and I had these hellish images of children in my head that scared me so bad I threw up at the thought. its been months now and I've learned to cope with the thoughts... I know everyone has bad images or thoughts enter their mind and they dismiss them because they aren't real to them.
but I obsessed over it fir so ling becaude I thought I was a monster. I wanted to shoot myself.
problem was before all that I loved to be Round children I loved kids! and wanted a few of my own.. but that panic scared me so bad I can't stand to be around them... I do.t want those thoughts To haunt me again..
this string of panic attacks these last few weeks have been over the things I just mentioned....
also a few days later my brother told me about his sex life... thatnight I dreamt about him trying to have sex with me and for a week or so I couldn't look at him without wanting to vomit
also I had a rash in my arm from bleach and I convinced myself I had aids.
as well as reliving things I did as an alcoholic that I'm not.proud of... my past is haunting me.
I've been so physically sick from all thisni can't keep anything down.
I've lost L
a lot of weight this month and I'm afraid it will never stop
I just want to feel normal. I want to have my.old loves back. instead my love for the kids and my brother and even my boyfriend have turned to fear.
I feel disconnected. like nothings the same I feel alien. like I can't have any emotional. towards anything but fear and the need to flee....
can anyone relate can anyone help?
ilthis has effected me so badly that I couldn't work... which caused me to fall into debt I have no electricity now and an eviction notice was delivered by a sherriff today... I can't focus on anything but my desire to either get better or kill myself. can anyone help me?!
ill start from the beginning.
but first let me start by saying dont judge me. please.
when I was three I was molested by my baby sitters husband.
I don't remember it but sometimes certain things trigger unwanted anxiety.
for example a few years back my boyfriend inserted his fingers in me... and the feeling of my vagina being stretched by fingers made me feel so violated I cried to my mom and she reminded me of.my childhood horror.
when I was about six or seven I watched HBO late at night and some soft core.porn came on.
I dont know what in my little mind made me feel it was okay to.mimic what I saw with my female friends but I did. and one day I becalmed so overwhelmed with guilt about it I told my mom (and she's super-Jesus Christian) she explained to me that that's gay and wrong and no one should touch me I. those places. so I developed OCD. I was afraid of my own body. anything that touched my.privates was deemed off.limits and if I touched myself by mistake I would scrub hat ever part touched the wrong area. for example. in fourth grade my index finger slipped while wiping in the bathroom and touched my vagina - I refused to touch anything with that finger for years - and if I did I would feel so guilty I'd wash what ever I touched repeatedly until I felt it was clean enough. another example. anything my nude body touched before was trash... like my.carpet in my bedroom... I laid on it naked as a kid... once the ocd started I refused to walk around barefoot in there. I'd wear socks at all times.on this carpet and when I stepped.out of my room I would take off my.socks. I didn't want to Contaminate the rest of the house.
my mother never knew about this because I hid it very well.
anyways once I grew older and started having sexual urges towards boys I eventually got.over the fear of my self.
I turned to alcohol and abused it badly.. along with hallucinatory drugs.
I've stifled things for.so ling and drank until I didn't care about anything. especially myself. I lost my.morals my pride my self respect. I was searching for the Love I never got from home as a child and always endedbup disappointed.
until I met the Guy I'm with now. he helped.me quit drinking and he makes me feel loved like I've never been loved before. I felt on top of the world.
until recently.
I've always had bad anxiety but never as bad as recently.
about two months ago I had a terrible tooth ache.
I bought a bottle.of aleve and took about 20 in three days then realized u aren't supposed to.take more than three a day.
well the first panic attack happened the day I realized I took too much mixed with about four shots of espresso I overdosed on caffeine.
I was having sex with my.boyfriend and realized I wasn't paying attention to what was going on.
like I didn't realize he was in top of me my mind was every where else.
what caused my panic was when I realized I wasn't able to focus I was remembering that he told me earlier he was going to pick up his kids the next day. then I though eww why am I thinking about the.kids while this is happening so I tried so hard to focus on him and the more I tree the more I felt like a bad person for not being able to focus and freaking myself out asking why would the.kids come to my mind at a time like this. then my thoughts jumbled together and I had these hellish images of children in my head that scared me so bad I threw up at the thought. its been months now and I've learned to cope with the thoughts... I know everyone has bad images or thoughts enter their mind and they dismiss them because they aren't real to them.
but I obsessed over it fir so ling becaude I thought I was a monster. I wanted to shoot myself.
problem was before all that I loved to be Round children I loved kids! and wanted a few of my own.. but that panic scared me so bad I can't stand to be around them... I do.t want those thoughts To haunt me again..
this string of panic attacks these last few weeks have been over the things I just mentioned....
also a few days later my brother told me about his sex life... thatnight I dreamt about him trying to have sex with me and for a week or so I couldn't look at him without wanting to vomit
also I had a rash in my arm from bleach and I convinced myself I had aids.
as well as reliving things I did as an alcoholic that I'm not.proud of... my past is haunting me.
I've been so physically sick from all thisni can't keep anything down.
I've lost L
a lot of weight this month and I'm afraid it will never stop
I just want to feel normal. I want to have my.old loves back. instead my love for the kids and my brother and even my boyfriend have turned to fear.
I feel disconnected. like nothings the same I feel alien. like I can't have any emotional. towards anything but fear and the need to flee....
can anyone relate can anyone help?
ilthis has effected me so badly that I couldn't work... which caused me to fall into debt I have no electricity now and an eviction notice was delivered by a sherriff today... I can't focus on anything but my desire to either get better or kill myself. can anyone help me?!