Confusion
10-22-2012, 07:38 PM
This might be long...but I really, really don't know where else to go. Even working in therapy, or going to a therapist, I am still so troubled. I do not know how I let it get here. I really don't.
So, this all started out of something fairly small..and has simply snowballed by this point in time. I'm not a person with a real big history of anxiety issues, or etc. I'm currently going through an episode that seems to just constantly perpetuate itself, over and over again - even when I know it's just anxiety.
Exactly a week ago today, Monday, I had found a 0248 account belonging to my girlfriend that I'd had no idea about, mainly by accident; at first - I had no real issue with it, aside from being kind of annoyed I didn't even know she had it but..so? I wasn't that bothered. I started to read her posts and a couple of them every now and then (usually dated to points when we had gotten into arguments) that were usually her saying some nasty things about me (not..too nasty, I suppose.). Things like, for example, when I had cried after losing my temper with her one night (I had felt so bad over it..), she had said on her 0248 to some friend "Ha, cried like a bitch. He deserved it. On the brightside, I don't get to see him for three days" and such and such.
These things hurt, but I forgave her when I talked to her that same day because I knew she didn't mean it, and I knew she felt bad (just like I've said rough things when I was angry..we get through these things out of love, and often - I never think about them again and she doesn't either.)
The same day, we randomly ended up at some point getting into sex and I couldn't keep it up towards the end. Dunno why, just couldn't. Just went down, you know? Sometimes it happens..that's okay. I get that. But, for some reason I thought about it and thought about it and the next day when we tried to have sex again..same thing happened, it went limp because I kept worrying about whether or not it'd stay up. It's like "..will I stay hard? Will I get hard" pre-occupying myself with these thoughts just makes it into a cycle where it won't happen, because I worry about it not happening.
This..anxiety, this performance anxiety I was having began to slowly snowball a few days ago to where it is now. I randomly asked myself (while overthinking) "am I still sexually attracted to her oh god." I dismissed that..because I know I am. She's fricking gorgeous! That led to me questioning other things like whether or not I still loved her, etc. and I dismissed that too. Next time I saw her (Saturday, two days ago)..I broke down all over the place. I first (again) started worrying about my performance anxiety and that led to me having those other doubts I mentioned and it made me just lose it. I couldn't focus, think clearly, figure anything out, and just kept breaking down and crying. So..that experience made me question those things even further, to the point I was nearly convinced at one point yeah I don't love her anymore and yeah I should leave her but it doesn't make any sense to me!
I can't think of any reason why. No logical reason, except that nothing feels the same..but all of that started out of sexual performance anxiety. Even the first few days of that performance anxiety I was having - I didn't question my feelings for her. I've NEVER questioned my love for her during our relationship. Argument or not, sad or angry or happy..I love her. I know I do. None of this makes sense to me because all of these doubts, questions, etc. only manifested during some sexual performance anxiety. Logic dictates that I shouldn't be feeling this way and that it makes no sense! It's tearing me apart. She has been SO understanding throughout all of this, hasn't lost her patience with me, etc...
I talked to a therapist today and he told me to simply put it in the back of my mind, take some time off to myself (not seeing her until Saturday currently.) and I was like..yeah..good solution. Everything felt fine, I felt kind of okay after talking to him although everything was still in the back of my mind...then I talked to her on the phone, to tell her I won't see her until Saturday and she was again..very understanding. "Whatever's best for you" is what she's told me.
While I was talking to her, all I could think about was getting off the phone, because I felt so awkward due to all of my anxious thoughts manifesting themselves all over again. I couldn't focus on talking to her, I couldn't focus on the feeling of talking to her so it was as if I was numb..which I know I'm not! Anytime I think about her, I feel a mix of numbness and pain, pain because of my anxiety, and pain because of my fear. It gets the best of me and I start to cry again..because I don't understand it. I look at the picture of her on my phone(my background), into her eyes and I just flip. I'm like..I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THAT, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? WHAT'S GOING ON? I can't make it stop. She's so beautiful..so mature..I don't even know..she's just everything..and I know I love her, but I can't make these things stop.
My therapist told me it was just my anxiety, snowballing..and that's what I think it is too. Can anxiety make you question everything and make you numb, and finally......what the Hell do I do? I feel some relief knowing I'm not pressured to see her until Saturday..won't have to worry about breaking down in front of her but I feel like this is quickly causing my relationship to take a crash - which I don't want to see happen! I can't stop overthinking things and when I DO start thinking about things rationally, I start thinking about my sexual performance anxiety again..and I feel like..if I could just get my sex life back on track and get this performance stuff on my mind..I'd be fine. I'd be able to shed everything else. It's just like a double load..my anxiety has taken quite the tumble.
Someone, please..any answers, any advice..any insight..would be appreciated...this is coming from the heart here.
So, this all started out of something fairly small..and has simply snowballed by this point in time. I'm not a person with a real big history of anxiety issues, or etc. I'm currently going through an episode that seems to just constantly perpetuate itself, over and over again - even when I know it's just anxiety.
Exactly a week ago today, Monday, I had found a 0248 account belonging to my girlfriend that I'd had no idea about, mainly by accident; at first - I had no real issue with it, aside from being kind of annoyed I didn't even know she had it but..so? I wasn't that bothered. I started to read her posts and a couple of them every now and then (usually dated to points when we had gotten into arguments) that were usually her saying some nasty things about me (not..too nasty, I suppose.). Things like, for example, when I had cried after losing my temper with her one night (I had felt so bad over it..), she had said on her 0248 to some friend "Ha, cried like a bitch. He deserved it. On the brightside, I don't get to see him for three days" and such and such.
These things hurt, but I forgave her when I talked to her that same day because I knew she didn't mean it, and I knew she felt bad (just like I've said rough things when I was angry..we get through these things out of love, and often - I never think about them again and she doesn't either.)
The same day, we randomly ended up at some point getting into sex and I couldn't keep it up towards the end. Dunno why, just couldn't. Just went down, you know? Sometimes it happens..that's okay. I get that. But, for some reason I thought about it and thought about it and the next day when we tried to have sex again..same thing happened, it went limp because I kept worrying about whether or not it'd stay up. It's like "..will I stay hard? Will I get hard" pre-occupying myself with these thoughts just makes it into a cycle where it won't happen, because I worry about it not happening.
This..anxiety, this performance anxiety I was having began to slowly snowball a few days ago to where it is now. I randomly asked myself (while overthinking) "am I still sexually attracted to her oh god." I dismissed that..because I know I am. She's fricking gorgeous! That led to me questioning other things like whether or not I still loved her, etc. and I dismissed that too. Next time I saw her (Saturday, two days ago)..I broke down all over the place. I first (again) started worrying about my performance anxiety and that led to me having those other doubts I mentioned and it made me just lose it. I couldn't focus, think clearly, figure anything out, and just kept breaking down and crying. So..that experience made me question those things even further, to the point I was nearly convinced at one point yeah I don't love her anymore and yeah I should leave her but it doesn't make any sense to me!
I can't think of any reason why. No logical reason, except that nothing feels the same..but all of that started out of sexual performance anxiety. Even the first few days of that performance anxiety I was having - I didn't question my feelings for her. I've NEVER questioned my love for her during our relationship. Argument or not, sad or angry or happy..I love her. I know I do. None of this makes sense to me because all of these doubts, questions, etc. only manifested during some sexual performance anxiety. Logic dictates that I shouldn't be feeling this way and that it makes no sense! It's tearing me apart. She has been SO understanding throughout all of this, hasn't lost her patience with me, etc...
I talked to a therapist today and he told me to simply put it in the back of my mind, take some time off to myself (not seeing her until Saturday currently.) and I was like..yeah..good solution. Everything felt fine, I felt kind of okay after talking to him although everything was still in the back of my mind...then I talked to her on the phone, to tell her I won't see her until Saturday and she was again..very understanding. "Whatever's best for you" is what she's told me.
While I was talking to her, all I could think about was getting off the phone, because I felt so awkward due to all of my anxious thoughts manifesting themselves all over again. I couldn't focus on talking to her, I couldn't focus on the feeling of talking to her so it was as if I was numb..which I know I'm not! Anytime I think about her, I feel a mix of numbness and pain, pain because of my anxiety, and pain because of my fear. It gets the best of me and I start to cry again..because I don't understand it. I look at the picture of her on my phone(my background), into her eyes and I just flip. I'm like..I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THAT, WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? WHAT'S GOING ON? I can't make it stop. She's so beautiful..so mature..I don't even know..she's just everything..and I know I love her, but I can't make these things stop.
My therapist told me it was just my anxiety, snowballing..and that's what I think it is too. Can anxiety make you question everything and make you numb, and finally......what the Hell do I do? I feel some relief knowing I'm not pressured to see her until Saturday..won't have to worry about breaking down in front of her but I feel like this is quickly causing my relationship to take a crash - which I don't want to see happen! I can't stop overthinking things and when I DO start thinking about things rationally, I start thinking about my sexual performance anxiety again..and I feel like..if I could just get my sex life back on track and get this performance stuff on my mind..I'd be fine. I'd be able to shed everything else. It's just like a double load..my anxiety has taken quite the tumble.
Someone, please..any answers, any advice..any insight..would be appreciated...this is coming from the heart here.