Anxiety Ridden 20 Year Old

[cypress_2151]

Hey guys,
I'm a 20 year old from Ohio who has come here for a little advice and as a way to get some stuff off of my chest.
About 3 months ago, I got the news that my father had passed away suddenly, and to much shock to my whole family.
Having had struggled with major depression for years at that point, it didn't help, but I had dealt with such loss before
but it was a tremendous blow since I had no real mother in my life for the better part of 6 years due to alcoholism.
I dealt with this pretty well for a couple of months, feeling as though I would get through it and not succumb to it.
However, after two months or so, and some interpersonal drama, my anxiety levels were at a point I had never known.
I woke up one morning after heavy drinking and some previous anger thinking I had alcohol poisoning, or some fatal condition
I couldn't breath, almost fainted, and had a hard time formulating sentences and staying somewhat calm. It was not an easy day.
After waiting in the ER with my neighbor and roommate, my neighbor called a nurse friend saying I was fine and it wasn't anything bad.
I left and I figured it was a one time thing related to the alcohol. Obviously it wasn't since I'm here now. The attacks kept coming
and I ruled it down to panic with a side of hypochondria after some research and some help from a school therapist. I was put on some
medication and it seemed to work, although my life was still in a constant back and forth of feeling somewhat alright to having daily
fits of thinking death was rearing its head at me. I had no parent, the only person I truly loved with all my heart had passed, and I
felt hopeless most of the time. I had no previous problems with anxiety, so this was a shock to me. Things were seeming to get better
with the help of the medication and some reading and self help books and whatnot. Then news came that my mother had succumbed
to her alcoholism and she too had passed. This was not easy to deal with, although it wasn't nearly as bad as my father. Although
it didn't hit me as hard, it was still a reminder of how harsh the world can be. It made me all the more hopeless, although help from
my aunt (dad's sister) was a very nice reminder people were still there to help and care. Since then, my panic has gotten worse
as well as my anxiety, but it seems to have gotten better recently. I haven't gone to the doctor, although I know I should. However
I am afraid of what the results might be. My therapists tell me that my signs must mean its panic and not something else, but I still
worry daily. I feel like I'm burdening people who I tell this news to, so much of it remains to myself and very close friends. I came here
in hopes of maybe some advice or help. I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but that's kind of the bulk of it.

[catman20]

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. This is a suggestion and only a suggestion... Find something you enjoy and put it in your life. A new girlfriend or boyfriend would be great. Something thats gives you a reason to wake up. I have serious issues so trust me, I know how you feel. With just a little effort and the will to stay alive this can pass. For many of us, it ends in suicide. And death (though it may seem to be better at times) may not be better than what we suffer from. So it's in our best interest to live. Find something. There's so many things to do in this world. Just keep fighting no matter how bad you want to give up. And try to avoid being alone. That's one of my biggest issues. Hope I helped some. Get well soon. :)

[cypress_2151]

Thanks for the response, catman. For me, the sole thing that has given me so much inspiration over the years is art. It's what I've dedicated my life to, and it's what I'm attending college for currently. Things seem to be going decent in that way of things, but as art has always been, it's very illusive, sometimes rewarding, and at others very frustrating and a source of much depression and feelings of failure. I agree with a significant other, too, however, I've never been too successful with going through with relationships. I've gotten very close numerous times, but something in me doesn't feel ready or willing to give much of myself away. Problems with self hatred also come into play; I can never quite understand why somebody wants to be with me, and I end up having a sense of hatred for them for having feelings of intimacy for me. Only once have I really, really wanted to be with somebody who felt the same way back. I have bad trust issues as well, along with jealousy issues. It may sound strange, but if anything, this whole scenario has given me more reasons to live than I've known. I always thought I'd commit suicide in the face of such things, but that doesn't seem like an option to me, at least at this point down the road. I really appreciate the response, I'd say you helped!

[Hope43]

Thanks for the response, catman. For me, the sole thing that has given me so much inspiration over the years is art. It's what I've dedicated my life to, and it's what I'm attending college for currently. Things seem to be going decent in that way of things, but as art has always been, it's very illusive, sometimes rewarding, and at others very frustrating and a source of much depression and feelings of failure. I agree with a significant other, too, however, I've never been too successful with going through with relationships. I've gotten very close numerous times, but something in me doesn't feel ready or willing to give much of myself away. Problems with self hatred also come into play; I can never quite understand why somebody wants to be with me, and I end up having a sense of hatred for them for having feelings of intimacy for me. Only once have I really, really wanted to be with somebody who felt the same way back. I have bad trust issues as well, along with jealousy issues. It may sound strange, but if anything, this whole scenario has given me more reasons to live than I've known. I always thought I'd commit suicide in the face of such things, but that doesn't seem like an option to me, at least at this point down the road. I really appreciate the response, I'd say you helped!

Mine is a long story of battling depression and anxiety. Several years ago I found out I was pregnant. I was very happy and scare. First time I heard my baby's heart beat I was fill with unbelievable joy. I knew it was a boy. And then something happened. Six months pregnant I started having contractions and end up having emergency section. My baby was only 1 1/2 pounds and looked so fragile and defenseless. I went to the hospital every day. Some days he did ok other days I didn't if he was going to make it. One day he got very sick and since that day he got worst. I watch my baby getting sicker and sicker. I witnessed how he was losing his life little by little. He got swallowed up to the the point that I couldn't recognized him and then he passed away. I went to the most dark and deep depression I have ever been in my life. I was in a very dark place. I was angry, cried a lot and I though life wasn't worthy any more. I had the most indescribable pain and my heart was hurt. I though I was going insane. I hit rock bottom. I didn't want to do anything but one day I said to my self I can't let this ruin my life. I was severely depress but outside life was happening no matter how I felt and I was alive. I decided to do things to ease my pain and get better. First I decided to volunteer in the same hospital I had my baby. Helping others helped me to feel better. I took and art class to distract my self. I met new people and kept my self busy. I refused to stay home so I worked regardless how I felt inside and believe I was in so much pain. Little by little I started to feel better but I gave myself the permission of having those awful feelings. Took awhile but I could get out of that depress episode. What I'm trying to say here is don't fight those awful feelings but look for things to do. Think that it will get better. If u need a therapist go to see one. After that happened I have had other episodes that had triggered my depression, specially when bad things happen but now I know all the symptoms and eventually it will pass. Many times I wanted to die but I learned how to cope with depression so I am winning this war. Good luck.