Being bullied at work

[cyncyn]

Hi, I've been at my current job for 5yrs and can no longer take it. I'm hairstylist, work with my older sister and over 20 other women. I feel as though I work in a hostile work environment, it causes my anxiety & agoraphobia to shoot through the roof. There is a clique at work that picks on, talks behind everyone's back and generally makes life miserable. I have gone to management with complaints and have been told I was too sensitive. This has been going on & off for 5 yrs. I've been gossiped about for not being able to drive to work and have even heard my boss (the owner) talk about employees to a client about how half of her staff is on some sort of antidepressant and mgmt feels like the normal ones. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I've been up since 3am trying to sort this out in my head. I had an incident with a coworker where she tried to make me look bad in front of my client last Friday. I immediately went to my boss and told her I thought this person was purposely trying to humiliate me and it wasn't the first time. She brushed it off (my coworker is one of her pets) and told me to explain to the person that they hurt my feelings. So I waited until I calmed down and approached my coworker, she told me she knew I was angry and she was sorry. I told her that I was hurt and I didn't appreciate her trying to humiliate me in front of the client by saying that I did ok work for only doing bridal make up on two brides. (Not true, I've been doing brides make up for over 2 yrs & have done lots of brides) She said that what's the big deal I was joking, I apologized and I'm done with conversation and walked out on me! I went back to mgmt and said I tried to resolve this but she walked out. I also told them how I caught her & other coworkers laughing behind my back and when I asked what's so funny, they sheepishly said never mind. I told the asst. manager this as well and said I hate coming to work, I feel it was clique-ish like high school and last time I checked I graduated 25 yrs ago. She said she understood and was sorry I was treated that way. Well, in a staff meeting today my boss said that if you are miserable working here and don't know if you want to stay in the profession (which I confided to who I thought was a friend) then leave. I suspected that was aimed at me and asked my sister what she thought and she also thought it was meant for me. I am so hurt!! There is so much more to this story but can't type it all out. My sister and I got into a huge fight because she told me she never wanted to work with me AFTER I took the job! She was the one who suggested I work there! All I do now is cry, my husband yells at me to stand up to them or quit my job. I'm anxious because we need the money, I would be leaving all my clients and starting over. I can't stand the thought of walking back in there after being treated that way and having an employer say what she said. I'm sorry I just needed to vent.....

[Bluesookie]

Hey cyncyn.

I'm sorry for everything that's happening to you. That is, indeed bullying.
That happened to me too (not during so much time, as it seems to have happened to you). I had a coworker that tried to make look bad in front of others even though she was the one who failed. I managed to solve the situation and show everyone she was the one who made a mistake. Still, our coordinator, who is friends with her, tried not to take sides but, obviously took hers, since he never admitted her mistake and even asked me if it was me.
I thought it was all in the past but, I started therapy 2 weeks later with depression and anxiety (due to a lot of issues) and that was one of the things I had to work out.
Today, I feel confident about my work (not about other things in my life though...) and if anyone tries to bully me, I respond immediately, ignoring or showing confidence in what I do (depending on the attack).

I know it's easy to talk from the outside but, if someone spends his or her day making fun of what you do, believe me, You are not the one with the problem. You are doing you're job the best you can and know how, regardless of everyone else. If you want (or need) to stay in that job, than do it and try not to worry about others.

I saw you mentioned not being able to drive to work. I can so relate to that. THAT was probably (even though I didn't realized it at first) what made me have therapy. Looking back, I never saw anyone making fun of me because I couldn't drive but I always thought everyone was thinking I had some problem. Truth is, I did. I was the one that didn't feel confortable for not being able to drive.
I'm sorry, I don't know why you don't drive (it may have nothing to do with anxiety). But, in my case, therapy helped a lot, and today I feel much more confident in everything in my life for finally being able to drive anywhere I want.

[AceParadox]

That sounds terrible. I can't stand that kind of childish bullshit. They can't call themselves professionals if they behave like that - absolutely ridiculous.
I believe that your going to need to make a big decision here. You've tried talking to the people, you tried talking to management, none of it has worked. I think it may be time to seek a job in your field elsewhere as the place you are at now seem to be filled with people who think they're still in high school.

And what you worry about that MAY come true, money may be tight for a wee bit, transitioning may be a big chance and may temporarily increase anxiety (Whilst adjusting to the new job and all that), your clients will just have to understand. I mean, this is tearing you apart, if it keeps up and the stress piles on and on and on, you might break down :/

The road may be rough, but greener pastures would be on the horizon. Job hunting is rough so i can understand if your wanting to not quit, but... Idk, if I was you, I wouldn't put up with that horse shite anymore, I'd want to work in a professional environment not a gossip zoo.

I'd discuss this with friends and family first though. Also, possibly seek a therapist :] they can be suuuuuper helpful I hear :D

[cyncyn]

Bluesookie,

Thank you so much for your care and understanding. I've had two bad employers back to back. I have a driving phobia due to PTSD from a bad car accident when I was a child. I see now I make poor choices for employment based on my ability to get there, and stick out those choices because of fear. I realized this morning that I can no longer stay there for the sake of my mental health. I work with my sister and my old best friend (we transferred from another salon together ) my BF and I had a huge fight last December at work, the whole salon heard her screaming at me, I did what my doctor calls disassociate. I had just found out at 42 I was pregnant for the first time after being told I had a .5 chance of ever having children. I had to immediately go off klonopin and quit smoking, my anxiety went crazy to say the least. She went off on me because she was jealous, she had wanted a second child and her husband didn't. She screamed at me that I acted like I was the only woman to have gotten pregnant and I was a bitch. No one at work came to my rescue, I was told she was counseled by mgmt. My boss or co workers ever asked me my side and down right ignored me, they are afraid of her mouth. I miscarried at 10 wks, my baby no longer had a heartbeat. She text me she was sorry I miscarried, I ignored it. We went months without speaking, I interviewed for jobs I didn't get. She became friends with the "clique" at work who always picked on me. I ignored it best I could, then she started talking to me. I speak to her to keep peace, she lives in the same town as me (45mns from work) and has invited me to do stuff, I decline I don't trust her. My sister stayed neutral in all this, I guess she has her own problems. I'm hurt that not only did I lose my bf but my baby and now I'm being bullied out of my job. I made the decision to quit tomorrow and that will leave a bride without make up on her wedding day. That's not me to leave someone hanging, I don't feel I have a choice:(

[cyncyn]

Aceparadox,

Thank you for your advice. My anxiety is awful right now, I feel like a coward for thinking of quitting. All my life I've ran from bullies. I feel so depressed, I see my counselor Thursday. She has told me in the past to start thinking of an exit.

[Buttercup]

There are laws about bullying and discrimination in the workplace so if i was you I would start researching these and take the info to your boss (or even a lawyer). If you end up having to resign because of it then take them to court.

[Bluesookie]

Bluesookie,
I made the decision to quit tomorrow and that will leave a bride without make up on her wedding day. That's not me to leave someone hanging, I don't feel I have a choice:(

Well, you're the only one who can make that decision and no one has the right to blame you. Bullying is a serious matter and a lot of people have quitted their jobs because of it.
This is the time to put yourself first and think about your well-being :)

[buckeyegirl]

So sorry that you had to go thru so much. I too went through an extremely awful situation with a supervisor who treated me like dirt. It helped to ignite the spark of my anxiety issues. I am proud of you for quitting your job. Life is too short to work in a hostile environment and that type of stress is awful for anxiety. I am sending you lots of good vibes and thoughts.

[laureah21]

Ahhhh this really winds me up. My last employer was a bully, I find women in to larger a group get a bit strange ;p I am working with 80% men in my office now and it SOOO much better.
Anyway, the last job hey were picking on myself and others trying to get us sacked so they didn't have to pay redundancy [ackage (30% of the company was given redundancy), by using CCTV footage to catch us out leaving early or something. In the end it turned out th CCTV camera clock was 30 minutes fast! My manager got dismissed for bullying eventually, but I do believe i am suffering post traumatic stress from it.
I work at a different company now along with all my colleagues that had the same problem. I can't belive I didn't leave sooner. It is not worth it! Leave this place and find somewhear that respects you and looks after you, even if it means taking a small pay cut. Life is not worth hanging around such people. Maybe look for work whilst you are still employed, then hand in your notice once you find something. It will give you hope.

M e and my friends often remark on how amazing it was that we stayed for so long and put up with so much crap. I think it was in a way not believing in ourselves enough to move on. I am so glad I did... You can do it to, and you will wondeer why you didn't do it sooner.

[cyncyn]

Thanks all of you,

After much consideration I decided I am walking in there to hand over my key and pack my tools and grab my license off the wall. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as hell about looking for a new job. It stirs up all kinds of anxiety and with being agoraphobic I'm afraid I will become a recluse in the house. I know I can't go on working this way for someone I don't respect either. Tomorrow starts a new chapter for me, wish me luck! Thanks for the kindness :)