Foley89
10-15-2012, 12:14 PM
Hello everyone, this is a long read and it get's very personal but I am ok to share my story.
My GP referred me to a mental health service called Let's Talk Wellbeing in May 2010 due to the problems I was having with depression and anxiety. After having an assessment with them they thought the best way forward would be counselling but they never actually got back to me and I had to wait over a year to get another appointment and I did and I had another assessment and this time they said CBT would be best.
In September 2011 I started CBT with a clinician called Matthew Horrocks but I was only able to attend 6 appointments out of 12 due to my problems leaving my house and my depression and Matthew thought that the CBT I was getting was too intense and that I needed a less intense service and he referred me to Millbrook at Mansfield.
After waiting over 4 months for an assessment I finally had it on the 12th September 2012 at my house because I could not travel there again due to my problems and the assessor did not listen to a word I said, he ignored me, insulted me and was only worried about if he will make it to his next appointment on time or not and at the end of it offered me intense CBT again even though he knows it was too much for me at this time.
There is another 3 month waiting list to start with them and I am not confident they can help me properly, I think they are more interested in trying to rush my therapy/recovery so I am no longer on the NHS lists so I am forced to look for private places.
I will now go in to a little detail about my problems.
I am the youngest of 4 brothers and I was abused both physically and sexually when I was a child, I was molested by my step dad when I was 4 maybe 5 for a period of 7 weeks where he touched me inappropriately, doing masturbating motions with me penis and him trying to put his penis in my mouth. At the time this was happening I did not say anything due to the fear my step dad made me feel so I held this in until I was 17. The physical lasted through child hood and up to being a teenager and this has a major effect on my mental health. I have been struggling with depression since being a child and I never had any support from my family and my mother let him hit me as well as my brothers.
When I was 17, I was in America visiting my Aunt, Uncle and cousins and something happened over there which made me tell someone about what happened to me and my mother asked my step dad and he denied it and when I got home nothing happened and I went on with my life. Over the next few years my two eldest brothers had children and I felt I needed to protect them from my step dad because I did not want them to go through with what I did even though they are still really young.
In 2010 I came back home after a New Years party and I walked in to the living room when I saw my step dad with my niece on his knee and his hands were placed near her groin area and that just triggered flash backs and over the next few weeks I slowly reported this to the police and I eventually left there house and moved in to my own place and the police started investigating and eventually charged him for me as well as his niece (his sisters daughter), it was proved he did the same to her but attempted to rape her twice, once at Center Parks and another time at a house in Nottingham. She also held on to this for over 16 years.
It took a year to get to trial at Nottingham Crown Court and over that 12 months my mental health deteriorated further and I tried to take my life because of it. I was constantly threatened and intimidated by family members, all but one family member stuck by me whilst the rest turned their backs on me calling me a liar. The trial lasted over 7 days where I had to attend three to give evidence and at the end of the trial he was found guilty and then sentenced to 4 and a half years in prison, he was told he would be on the sex offenders register for life and was also given an SOPO order (Sex offender protection order) where he is not allowed to be near any one aged18 or under without supervision. After he was sentenced I was threatened more, I was also arrested three times due to 'Family' members calling the police saying I was doing it to them when it was not the case, they have also did it to my Uncle, the man who stood by me but we were never charged.
After nearly 23 years of this mental health abuse I am seriously getting close to the edge, I feel I am running out of options, I can't take it anymore, I can hardly leave my flat because of this, I have pushed all my friends away, I have no family and I just feel it would be better if I wasn't here anymore. I sit and night crying because I can't deal with this anymore, I am at rock bottom, I have tried to drink myself to death 3 times since February 2012.
I can't go out hardly because I lose concentration and I have nearly been killed six times because I have been stepping out in to busy roads, I can't cook because I lose concentration and there have been four occasions over the past year where my kitchen has been on fire because of this, I have flooded my bathroom numerous times because I forget I am running one and the water over flows and it takes a while for me to realize this. I can't be out in public much because the slightest thing can trigger me off and I can become violent, I fill up with rage I don't want to, but I can't help it. I have become violent in the past at my brother.
I can't live safe anymore and I need help with this. CBT was working but as I said before it was too intense, I need less intense CBT as well as counselling to help me with my problems. I don't think the NHS care to be honest.
My GP put me on Sertraline at 50mg for depression, he also put me on Amitrityline at 100mg per night to help with sleeping and it hardly does and he also put me on Propranolol and I am allowed to take up to three a day and they are 40mg each so high doses for most of them and he gives me Diazapam every now and then at a low dose and they don't help but a higher would probably help my anxiety.
If you’re able to help me or advise me I would appreciate it.
:confused:
My GP referred me to a mental health service called Let's Talk Wellbeing in May 2010 due to the problems I was having with depression and anxiety. After having an assessment with them they thought the best way forward would be counselling but they never actually got back to me and I had to wait over a year to get another appointment and I did and I had another assessment and this time they said CBT would be best.
In September 2011 I started CBT with a clinician called Matthew Horrocks but I was only able to attend 6 appointments out of 12 due to my problems leaving my house and my depression and Matthew thought that the CBT I was getting was too intense and that I needed a less intense service and he referred me to Millbrook at Mansfield.
After waiting over 4 months for an assessment I finally had it on the 12th September 2012 at my house because I could not travel there again due to my problems and the assessor did not listen to a word I said, he ignored me, insulted me and was only worried about if he will make it to his next appointment on time or not and at the end of it offered me intense CBT again even though he knows it was too much for me at this time.
There is another 3 month waiting list to start with them and I am not confident they can help me properly, I think they are more interested in trying to rush my therapy/recovery so I am no longer on the NHS lists so I am forced to look for private places.
I will now go in to a little detail about my problems.
I am the youngest of 4 brothers and I was abused both physically and sexually when I was a child, I was molested by my step dad when I was 4 maybe 5 for a period of 7 weeks where he touched me inappropriately, doing masturbating motions with me penis and him trying to put his penis in my mouth. At the time this was happening I did not say anything due to the fear my step dad made me feel so I held this in until I was 17. The physical lasted through child hood and up to being a teenager and this has a major effect on my mental health. I have been struggling with depression since being a child and I never had any support from my family and my mother let him hit me as well as my brothers.
When I was 17, I was in America visiting my Aunt, Uncle and cousins and something happened over there which made me tell someone about what happened to me and my mother asked my step dad and he denied it and when I got home nothing happened and I went on with my life. Over the next few years my two eldest brothers had children and I felt I needed to protect them from my step dad because I did not want them to go through with what I did even though they are still really young.
In 2010 I came back home after a New Years party and I walked in to the living room when I saw my step dad with my niece on his knee and his hands were placed near her groin area and that just triggered flash backs and over the next few weeks I slowly reported this to the police and I eventually left there house and moved in to my own place and the police started investigating and eventually charged him for me as well as his niece (his sisters daughter), it was proved he did the same to her but attempted to rape her twice, once at Center Parks and another time at a house in Nottingham. She also held on to this for over 16 years.
It took a year to get to trial at Nottingham Crown Court and over that 12 months my mental health deteriorated further and I tried to take my life because of it. I was constantly threatened and intimidated by family members, all but one family member stuck by me whilst the rest turned their backs on me calling me a liar. The trial lasted over 7 days where I had to attend three to give evidence and at the end of the trial he was found guilty and then sentenced to 4 and a half years in prison, he was told he would be on the sex offenders register for life and was also given an SOPO order (Sex offender protection order) where he is not allowed to be near any one aged18 or under without supervision. After he was sentenced I was threatened more, I was also arrested three times due to 'Family' members calling the police saying I was doing it to them when it was not the case, they have also did it to my Uncle, the man who stood by me but we were never charged.
After nearly 23 years of this mental health abuse I am seriously getting close to the edge, I feel I am running out of options, I can't take it anymore, I can hardly leave my flat because of this, I have pushed all my friends away, I have no family and I just feel it would be better if I wasn't here anymore. I sit and night crying because I can't deal with this anymore, I am at rock bottom, I have tried to drink myself to death 3 times since February 2012.
I can't go out hardly because I lose concentration and I have nearly been killed six times because I have been stepping out in to busy roads, I can't cook because I lose concentration and there have been four occasions over the past year where my kitchen has been on fire because of this, I have flooded my bathroom numerous times because I forget I am running one and the water over flows and it takes a while for me to realize this. I can't be out in public much because the slightest thing can trigger me off and I can become violent, I fill up with rage I don't want to, but I can't help it. I have become violent in the past at my brother.
I can't live safe anymore and I need help with this. CBT was working but as I said before it was too intense, I need less intense CBT as well as counselling to help me with my problems. I don't think the NHS care to be honest.
My GP put me on Sertraline at 50mg for depression, he also put me on Amitrityline at 100mg per night to help with sleeping and it hardly does and he also put me on Propranolol and I am allowed to take up to three a day and they are 40mg each so high doses for most of them and he gives me Diazapam every now and then at a low dose and they don't help but a higher would probably help my anxiety.
If you’re able to help me or advise me I would appreciate it.
:confused: