skybluebird
10-12-2012, 09:40 PM
Overr the past year I have been.. Having bad impulses. When I don't meet goals I have set for myself (like with school work/grades) or when I am alone with my thoughts (which are always negative, I focus on the bad things and find it hard to remember good things), I have impulses to hurt myself. I lost my pocket knife, so I usually just claw myself with my nails or scratch my hands or arms with the spiky gatorade tops. Now, let me tell you, I don't want to kill myself, I have a lot going for me because I am a straight A student. But when I get angry at myself I want to just clench my fists and feel the sting of something scratching my skin. I don't know, maybe cuz I feel I need to punish myself for having negative thoughts? I can usually control myself pretty well and I have never made myself bleed, though I have thought about it. When I also get these "episodes" my stomach starts filling with pain, like a cramp. Then it goes away when I'm done worrying, but that usually takes at least 15-30 minutes. The weird thing is, I am never like this when I'm with friends. Maybe because when I'm with them I don't think about the stuff I do when I'm alone..
Lately, though, my sadness of all of my bad thoughts are starting to get to me more, and haunt me more throughout my day. So sometimes I blank out during class and I am less motivated to do homework (even when the homework is worth a lot of points). My grandma has even picked up that I have been more mopy, but she just blames it on being a teenager; then that makes me wonder.. IS it just a phase? Is it just me being a teenager? I am a female in 9th grade, and my bad impulses have been lingering with me for a year, but the sadness thing has just started a couple weeks ago.
I am usually pretty good at hiding my feelings in public places, so no one at school would suspect I was anything but a goody-two-shoes.. I do put A LOT of pressure on myself to do well in school, and that has been one of the things causing my bad impulses. This basically started because I got a horrible grade on a test last year, and I just grabbed a spiky Gatorade too and just held it in my hand, letting it slowly sink into my skin, because I was so mad at myself.
Well my questions are: do you think there is anything wrong with me mentally? Could all of this stuff be a big anxiety problem or just a phase of being a teen?
Lately, though, my sadness of all of my bad thoughts are starting to get to me more, and haunt me more throughout my day. So sometimes I blank out during class and I am less motivated to do homework (even when the homework is worth a lot of points). My grandma has even picked up that I have been more mopy, but she just blames it on being a teenager; then that makes me wonder.. IS it just a phase? Is it just me being a teenager? I am a female in 9th grade, and my bad impulses have been lingering with me for a year, but the sadness thing has just started a couple weeks ago.
I am usually pretty good at hiding my feelings in public places, so no one at school would suspect I was anything but a goody-two-shoes.. I do put A LOT of pressure on myself to do well in school, and that has been one of the things causing my bad impulses. This basically started because I got a horrible grade on a test last year, and I just grabbed a spiky Gatorade too and just held it in my hand, letting it slowly sink into my skin, because I was so mad at myself.
Well my questions are: do you think there is anything wrong with me mentally? Could all of this stuff be a big anxiety problem or just a phase of being a teen?