PanicBaby
10-10-2012, 08:37 AM
"independent" one thing that my parents wont let me be,.. i tried everything to show them that i am a responsible teen,.. I study hard for college,i get good grades, i dont drink alcohol,i hang out with good people, i respect my parents and other elders,..but they still dont think i deserve to be independent on my own,.. they keep on babying me,.. and it troubles me because it has been dramatically affecting my social life and my growth as a teenager.
i became the kind of person that doesnt have a bestfriend or a group that i really belong to,.. i get along with a group of friends well during the first few weeks,.,.im really nice to them, im eager to be with them always,and im a happy person at school,. but after awhile,everybody gets close to each other usually in a pair then i eventually become the third wheel in a group, the kind of girl who they dont bother if i get left out or im alone and they are all together at lunch.then after a while i stop trying to be close to them,i get tired after all,. then im forced to find a new group that i feel like i belong to,but this situation repeats over and over,im sick of it and it has been a traumatic thing for me as a teen it gave me social anxiety( u know how important friends are to a teenager),..sometimes, i feel like its my fault because i love them to much that i become clingy to them, like im too dependent in my friends,. thats why i keep telling myself that i want to be a strong and independent person, i never want to be dependent on someone because i know how painful it is when they leave you,.. but its impossible when my parents wont entrust me with things that i KNOW i can handle myself if i try hard enough,.. i want to become someone that i would be proud of,but why do i feel like my own parents are stopping me?
just like what happened today,. i train martial arts with my friend and my brother,. but they cant attend today. i thought that this was a chance to become independent so i wanted to train by myself,. i had to force my mom to let me attend the training and after hours of talking sense into her, she finally let me go. Things went well in my training, nothing bad happened and i got to chat with my coach and my team mate, i was happy because i got to know them better. after my training, i called my mom to pick me up because she wont let me ride a jeepney at 7pm. i felt excited and enthusiatic that my shot at being "independent" was a success and i was starting to think that it could be a start to help me cure my social anxiety. When i got inside the car, my mom suddenly said to me that she will never let me train in the gym by myself anymore and that i shouldnt do something like that again. you know what else she said?she said "u know our family is tearing apart,dont add up to the problem."i didnt speak anymore because i might end up arguing with her and i was too busy thinking what the heck did i do?how am i adding up to the problem?. I was holding back the tears made by the disappointment that my parents cant even see the joy i feel when i did something i was proud of and the pain that struck me when she reminded me about the problems in our family that wont let us live in peace. she made it seem like i was such a pain in the neck. my family keeps on getting worse because my parents keep on fighting,THEY ARE SUCKING OUT MY LIFE,.i cant find my purpose,.they keep on saying u cant do this, u cant do that, i dont know what to do anymore,.. i feel too messed up, I never had a lovelife because im terrified of being close and dependent to someone who might broke my heart,im too tired to make new friends and push myself to be independent,too scared to try new things by myself and too broken to trust someone again thinking they will never leave me,..just like what i said before, i want to see a therapist but i cant talk to my parents about my problem because i realized that they are my problem and i domt want to tell them because they will only get hurt and they already have alot of problems,..should i keep trying to become someone that i would be happy about? or should i just sit quietly,do nothing about it and see whatever happens next?,.after all,it seems like every move i make is a mistake....
i became the kind of person that doesnt have a bestfriend or a group that i really belong to,.. i get along with a group of friends well during the first few weeks,.,.im really nice to them, im eager to be with them always,and im a happy person at school,. but after awhile,everybody gets close to each other usually in a pair then i eventually become the third wheel in a group, the kind of girl who they dont bother if i get left out or im alone and they are all together at lunch.then after a while i stop trying to be close to them,i get tired after all,. then im forced to find a new group that i feel like i belong to,but this situation repeats over and over,im sick of it and it has been a traumatic thing for me as a teen it gave me social anxiety( u know how important friends are to a teenager),..sometimes, i feel like its my fault because i love them to much that i become clingy to them, like im too dependent in my friends,. thats why i keep telling myself that i want to be a strong and independent person, i never want to be dependent on someone because i know how painful it is when they leave you,.. but its impossible when my parents wont entrust me with things that i KNOW i can handle myself if i try hard enough,.. i want to become someone that i would be proud of,but why do i feel like my own parents are stopping me?
just like what happened today,. i train martial arts with my friend and my brother,. but they cant attend today. i thought that this was a chance to become independent so i wanted to train by myself,. i had to force my mom to let me attend the training and after hours of talking sense into her, she finally let me go. Things went well in my training, nothing bad happened and i got to chat with my coach and my team mate, i was happy because i got to know them better. after my training, i called my mom to pick me up because she wont let me ride a jeepney at 7pm. i felt excited and enthusiatic that my shot at being "independent" was a success and i was starting to think that it could be a start to help me cure my social anxiety. When i got inside the car, my mom suddenly said to me that she will never let me train in the gym by myself anymore and that i shouldnt do something like that again. you know what else she said?she said "u know our family is tearing apart,dont add up to the problem."i didnt speak anymore because i might end up arguing with her and i was too busy thinking what the heck did i do?how am i adding up to the problem?. I was holding back the tears made by the disappointment that my parents cant even see the joy i feel when i did something i was proud of and the pain that struck me when she reminded me about the problems in our family that wont let us live in peace. she made it seem like i was such a pain in the neck. my family keeps on getting worse because my parents keep on fighting,THEY ARE SUCKING OUT MY LIFE,.i cant find my purpose,.they keep on saying u cant do this, u cant do that, i dont know what to do anymore,.. i feel too messed up, I never had a lovelife because im terrified of being close and dependent to someone who might broke my heart,im too tired to make new friends and push myself to be independent,too scared to try new things by myself and too broken to trust someone again thinking they will never leave me,..just like what i said before, i want to see a therapist but i cant talk to my parents about my problem because i realized that they are my problem and i domt want to tell them because they will only get hurt and they already have alot of problems,..should i keep trying to become someone that i would be happy about? or should i just sit quietly,do nothing about it and see whatever happens next?,.after all,it seems like every move i make is a mistake....