Lighter
10-09-2012, 01:49 AM
Well, ever since I turned 17, my life has flipped from bad to hell. Since I've been 12 I was stripped from my childhood, bullied at school, problems in the family, but life back then seem great to right now. Through high school I was a loner,not many friends but I still had a close group of friends, we had fun. We were kids, went biking, fishing, but it all changed when I turn 17. See, ever since I was a kid I've been preached by my dad to join the marines. Eventually I gave in and said I would, and believe me, there was no stopping my dad from there on. The day of my 17th birthday a marine recruiter called me and off I went, i was enlisted in the marines before the start of my senior year at school. Bam, was that an eye opener. Now, this is when I met Mary Jane as well, weed. I smoked with those "friends" and soon we broke up, went on our own paths, mine, not so good. I got mentally addicted to it, that's when my depression started, the weed was like a seed that sprouted untill it consumed me. By the time I was 18, I was smoking cigarettes and weed, lost all my friends and got discharged because I admitted to smoking. The shame I got from my family was and still is almost unbearable. for the majority of this year and the end of last, I had no job, no college because of bad grades, no friends, no girlfriend, NOTHING, I sat in my room alone and smoked all day, getting yelled at to get a life and get a job, I slowly turned into a different person. My schedule has been this: wake up at 2-4pm, find a way to get money to buy weed, get weed, smoke all night and watch tv and then sleep all day. I wasted almost two years of my life doing this. Now, at the end of may, this year, I got sick of everything and did the only thing I thought was reasonable. I didn't have any weed and I wanted to get high so I took a bunch of depression pills from my brother and overdosed and went to the hospital, I'm sorry this last year after the discharge in September, ill get back to may. The night I overdosed was the worse night of my life, I had such an anxiety attack that I was giving myself a heat attack, I thought I was going to die I was hallucinating from the pills it was the worst. That took the lid off my depression and opened it up, overflowing into an endless Dead Sea. My parents...oh my parents, the shame of being a good kid to an all out failure. Oh boy. Now at the end of may I quit both cigarettes and weed at the same time, don't ask me how but I did, just one day I dropped it, and telling my family and having the support helped buy time as well, I quit for two months and finally getting sick of the four walls I'm looking at now, I joined the army, by augest 8th I was enlisted. I was clean with I drugs, and for those two months i lost weight while running. On the night of augest 8th, I got high. Since then it's been every day, same schedule, nobody to talk to. Now it oct9 or 10th I don't even know what day it is half the time.. And I leave for boot camp in January and I'm still smoking and I have to take a drug test ANY day. That is scary. I can't tell my parents I'm depressed, I have before and all I or was a man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I'm so depressed I'm never excited anymore, I don't remember what it's like to be happy, some nights I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I was in 1st grade again. I don't know what to do, I'm scared, I'm lost, my mind is playing tricks on me, I have no energy, I can't clean my room and if I do it takes me all day, I don't want to workout because I think it's a waste of time, I see no point in showering unless I'm going somewhere, I'm like a zombie, it's sad and it's making me really scared, I feel like I'm dead inside and I've actually been putting suicide into consideration and I've never ever thought about suicide. I'm scared..