I really need someone to talk to!

[Lighter]

My life, in short, is a painful nightmare. I'm 19 years old and I'm so depressed I can't take it anymore, I used to think I was a good kid but even that has been stripped from me. I have nothing, I do nothing, I have nobody and nobody wants me. I have to talk to someone, if I don't I don't know what I'm going to do, please.. Anyone.

[Lighter]

I think I might actually hurt myself tonight I'm actually really scared

[Lighter]

I can't, I don't know why but that's not an option, I feel like all it would do is make things worse having someone I don't know telling me to calm down lol that's why I'm here. Look, nobody cares that I'm 19, or even that I'm depressed, especially those people they get paid to talk they don't actually care. I just wish I could actually speak with someone who had a little sympathy for me, or cared just a little. Just a little..

[jhunter89]

What's happened Lighter? x

[Lighter]

What's happened Lighter? x

Well, ever since I turned 17, my life has flipped from bad to hell. Since I've been 12 I was stripped from my childhood, bullied at school, problems in the family, but life back then seem great to right now. Through high school I was a loner,not many friends but I still had a close group of friends, we had fun. We were kids, went biking, fishing, but it all changed when I turn 17. See, ever since I was a kid I've been preached by my dad to join the marines. Eventually I gave in and said I would, and believe me, there was no stopping my dad from there on. The day of my 17th birthday a marine recruiter called me and off I went, i was enlisted in the marines before the start of my senior year at school. Bam, was that an eye opener. Now, this is when I met Mary Jane as well, weed. I smoked with those "friends" and soon we broke up, went on our own paths, mine, not so good. I got mentally addicted to it, that's when my depression started, the weed was like a seed that sprouted untill it consumed me. By the time I was 18, I was smoking cigarettes and weed, lost all my friends and got discharged because I admitted to smoking. The shame I got from my family was and still is almost unbearable. for the majority of this year and the end of last, I had no job, no college because of bad grades, no friends, no girlfriend, NOTHING, I sat in my room alone and smoked all day, getting yelled at to get a life and get a job, I slowly turned into a different person. My schedule has been this: wake up at 2-4pm, find a way to get money to buy weed, get weed, smoke all night and watch tv and then sleep all day. I wasted almost two years of my life doing this. Now, at the end of may, this year, I got sick of everything and did the only thing I thought was reasonable. I didn't have any weed and I wanted to get high so I took a bunch of depression pills from my brother and overdosed and went to the hospital, I'm sorry this last year after the discharge in September, ill get back to may. The night I overdosed was the worse night of my life, I had such an anxiety attack that I was giving myself a heat attack, I thought I was going to die I was hallucinating from the pills it was the worst. That took the lid off my depression and opened it up, overflowing into an endless Dead Sea. My parents...oh my parents, the shame of being a good kid to an all out failure. Oh boy. Now at the end of may I quit both cigarettes and weed at the same time, don't ask me how but I did, just one day I dropped it, and telling my family and having the support helped buy time as well, I quit for two months and finally getting sick of the four walls I'm looking at now, I joined the army, by augest 8th I was enlisted. I was clean with I drugs, and for those two months i lost weight while running. On the night of augest 8th, I got high. Since then it's been every day, same schedule, nobody to talk to. Now it oct9 or 10th I don't even know what day it is half the time.. And I leave for boot camp in January and I'm still smoking and I have to take a drug test ANY day. That is scary. I can't tell my parents I'm depressed, I have before and all I or was a man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I'm so depressed I'm never excited anymore, I don't remember what it's like to be happy, some nights I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I was in 1st grade again. I don't know what to do, I'm scared, I'm lost, my mind is playing tricks on me, I have no energy, I can't clean my room and if I do it takes me all day, I don't want to workout because I think it's a waste of time, I see no point in showering unless I'm going somewhere, I'm like a zombie, it's sad and it's making me really scared, I feel like I'm dead inside and I've actually been putting suicide into consideration and I've never ever thought about suicide. I'm scared..

[Lighter]

Did u get my long post??

[jhunter89]

Don't think so?

[Lighter]

It's too long

[Lighter]

Can i message you?

[Lighter]

This is really frustrating. I've typed two life story's and neither of them posted oh my god.

[Lighter]

Hold on please

[jhunter89]

Ok. Sure....

[Lighter]

There it's on a new thread..

[MLeFay]

Hi. I'm 30 years old. I have anxiety and depression problems too. If you want to talk to someone who cares you can talk to me. I have yahoo messenger. If there is anything you need or need to talk to someone let me know. I think you wanted someone to talk to? And I'm not sure if you got it.

[sazco]

Life only gets better if you make it better. As an adult we are responsible for creating the life we want.

[vonnhelsing]

Lighter, stay strong.
i dont have any messengers, if you have facebook add me on there. i've had depression and you CAN get out of it. you'll have a looong phase of feeling worthless and hopeless but eventually it reaches a stage where you say enough is enough and work on yourself. i had that whole phase where i wouldnt shower wouldnt clean wouldnt get out the house. i'd just lie in bed all day, crying and feeling like dying. make yourself feel better. watch movies you used to watch when you were a kid, go shopping buy new clothes, perfumes, shoes etc get a haircut, get a massage. sort yourself out and regain your self confidence. depression is all about feeling hopeless and a lot of the time it starts with low self-esteem. stop smoking weed, start hitting the gym. you'll feel the difference. take baby steps. there's absolutely no need to think about suicide. i know it's tough. stay strong..

[sazco]

if you or anyone needs to talk im on facebook as well. feel free to add me and talk. fb / jonathannshannon <----- since i cannot post links yet.

[Lighter]

Thank you everyone for your support. Recent events have lead me to believe I only have one option left, the army is going to piss test me any day so I have to hurt myself to get out of it.. It's the only way they won't piss test me and delay my ship date without kicking me out. I don't want to miss this opportunity I see this ad the only option I have left..

[trinidiva]

I can feel your pain man.....look, you have to decide that you want better for yourself and write down the steps that you need to meet your goals. Make them realistic, achievable goals. Don't beat yourself up if you slip on some of tgem, but trust me, you will feel a sense of accomplishment once you start to see that improvement.
You need the support from your family too, but you need to come clean to your family. It will release a huge weight off your chest, trust me. Don't worry about dissapointing anyone, you have to live your life for you!!!!!!
That includes doing what you want with your life. Do you really want to be in the military, or are you just doing it to please your family? I had to learn this the hard way. It took me years and years, the fear of disappointing my family, till one day, I had a breakdown of sorts and from that day, I have been living my life the way I want......doing positive things of course, but I've never been more content and happy. I still have anxiety issues, but I guarantee they would be far worse if I continued living life the way I had been.
I think you know that you don't need the weed. It probably allows you to take your mind off of things for a short time, but you know what, those problems are still there in the morning. I feel like you are ready for that change, to make the positive choices you need to make for you life, you just have to be brave enough to do it!!!!!

[nzbritt]

Hey I'm 25 just moved to Melbourne I have no friends or family here I'm by my self with my 16mnth old every day. If ya want ya can txt me or call I no how you feel. I used to cut myself to let go of pain and had thoughts of ending my life when I was your age now I'm left with Anxiouty every day. Your not alone youll never be alone. Lots of hugs and cuddles love Britt xx

[Genki1973]

Hey Btitt, good on you for putting yourself out there! Sounds like the two of you could really help each other!