Billdog
10-04-2012, 07:21 PM
I've had anxiety my entire adult life. It first expressed itself during my teen years through minor flare ups of OCD, punctuated by bouts of depression. When I was around 17 or 18, the OCD became full blown and crippled me for years. It was only through medication and years of therapy that I was able to function at all in society.
The nature (and subject matter) of my obsessions and compulsions have varied widely throughout the years - but one obsession has proven to be immensely powerful. For me, it's the ultimate scary thought.
The obsession centers around a particular manifestation of my anxiety - a cluster of obsessional, perceptual and somatic symptoms that occur simultaneously and (thank God) infrequently. However, just because these symptoms are infrequent doesn't keep me from spending a lot of time obsessively worrying about them - and that they will one day drive me crazy. Paradoxically, if I spend too much time worrying about this particular kind of anxiety atack, it can bring it on. So, I try to shut off all thoughts and memories of it - not always an easy task for an obsessional person like me.
I'm an MSW by profession - with past experience as a clinical therapist. So, I've poured over the DSM for clues as to what this thing might be and- as far as I can tell - it seems to contain elements of the following disorders: a routine panic attack, depersonalization and hyper-vigilance.
It may start with me feeling a little anxious, or "not myself," then I will start thinking: Oh my God. This is it! I'm about to have another attack. Then I will start to quietly (very discreetly) go into a near hysterical panic. This all happens inside. No one would ever know, because I fake "normal" so well. But inside my body, it's like the lower decks of the Titanic right after she's hit the iceberg. The water is rushing in and everyone is screaming their heads off "We're gonna die! We're gonna die!"
While all this is going on, the hyper-vigilance kicks in, and some part of my brain begins monitoring every minute perception, every somatic fluctuation - looking for any anomalies that might indicate a loss of control. The chest constricts, the clamy cold sweat begins. Naturally, this feeds the whole cycle of anxiety, depersonalization, hyper-vigilance and (curiously) OCD. The obsessional component is the strongest - because it LOCKS onto the whole crazy crisis going on inside my body. I can walk around, do things, even interact with people, but the crazy shit is still going on inside - like some hacker virus silently running in the background of my computer, destroying every file it finds. This is not to say I'm functioning normally while this shit is going on. I feel the panic inside, so quiet, yet so balls-to-the-wall hysterical.
Plus, my perceptions are effected. Things seem to go a little blurry - hence the depersonalization component. I become hyper-acutely aware of every sound, every tactile sensation, every movement - with concern for any movement that might be too fast (as indicative of the panicky hyseria tearing away at my insides). That inner hysteria is like a low-level fever consuming me from the inside out - a slow motion nuclear bomb detonation. My feelings don't function appropriately during these episodes. This is horrific for me, because I'm a person who FEELS his way through the world. I've learned to trust my feelings and intuition in most situations. They are usually more reliable than my logic. But when I'm going through one of these nightmarish episodes, my feelings and intuitions go right off the tracks. It's horrible. Honestly, the best words I can use to describe this whole experience is: It's like dying inside.
Strangely - or perhaps not so strangely - is the compulsive component to all this. When I'm going through one of these soul-killing episodes it feels as if I need to perform some action, some ritual, to make it all go away. The problem is, that compulsive ritual is not always clear.
Whenever I hear people talk about successful treatment programs for anxiety disorders, I 'm tempted to dismiss them with the thought "That's for people who suffer from straight on anxiety, or panic attacks, or even OCD; but they don't have this weird cluster of pscho symptoms that I obsess about."
I've had panic attacks, and anxiety, and depression - and they're all terrible - but it seems like this is different, even though it contains elements from several different disorders. This cluster of symptoms strikes fear in my heart like nothing I've ever known. Were it to (God forbid) ever take me over, I don't think I'd have any option left but suicide. THAT'S how much it frightens me. And, like all anxiety triggers, any thought of it, any recollection of how if "feels," any external association with a time or place when I had an attack - provokes a strong, fearful response. It's always "What if" with this fear. Like "What if THIS time, it destroys me."
I guess what I want to know is, have any of you ever experienced anything like this before? Or, have any of you clinicians worked with clients reporting similar symptoms?
Thanks for reading, and I apologize for the long-winded post.
Billdog
The nature (and subject matter) of my obsessions and compulsions have varied widely throughout the years - but one obsession has proven to be immensely powerful. For me, it's the ultimate scary thought.
The obsession centers around a particular manifestation of my anxiety - a cluster of obsessional, perceptual and somatic symptoms that occur simultaneously and (thank God) infrequently. However, just because these symptoms are infrequent doesn't keep me from spending a lot of time obsessively worrying about them - and that they will one day drive me crazy. Paradoxically, if I spend too much time worrying about this particular kind of anxiety atack, it can bring it on. So, I try to shut off all thoughts and memories of it - not always an easy task for an obsessional person like me.
I'm an MSW by profession - with past experience as a clinical therapist. So, I've poured over the DSM for clues as to what this thing might be and- as far as I can tell - it seems to contain elements of the following disorders: a routine panic attack, depersonalization and hyper-vigilance.
It may start with me feeling a little anxious, or "not myself," then I will start thinking: Oh my God. This is it! I'm about to have another attack. Then I will start to quietly (very discreetly) go into a near hysterical panic. This all happens inside. No one would ever know, because I fake "normal" so well. But inside my body, it's like the lower decks of the Titanic right after she's hit the iceberg. The water is rushing in and everyone is screaming their heads off "We're gonna die! We're gonna die!"
While all this is going on, the hyper-vigilance kicks in, and some part of my brain begins monitoring every minute perception, every somatic fluctuation - looking for any anomalies that might indicate a loss of control. The chest constricts, the clamy cold sweat begins. Naturally, this feeds the whole cycle of anxiety, depersonalization, hyper-vigilance and (curiously) OCD. The obsessional component is the strongest - because it LOCKS onto the whole crazy crisis going on inside my body. I can walk around, do things, even interact with people, but the crazy shit is still going on inside - like some hacker virus silently running in the background of my computer, destroying every file it finds. This is not to say I'm functioning normally while this shit is going on. I feel the panic inside, so quiet, yet so balls-to-the-wall hysterical.
Plus, my perceptions are effected. Things seem to go a little blurry - hence the depersonalization component. I become hyper-acutely aware of every sound, every tactile sensation, every movement - with concern for any movement that might be too fast (as indicative of the panicky hyseria tearing away at my insides). That inner hysteria is like a low-level fever consuming me from the inside out - a slow motion nuclear bomb detonation. My feelings don't function appropriately during these episodes. This is horrific for me, because I'm a person who FEELS his way through the world. I've learned to trust my feelings and intuition in most situations. They are usually more reliable than my logic. But when I'm going through one of these nightmarish episodes, my feelings and intuitions go right off the tracks. It's horrible. Honestly, the best words I can use to describe this whole experience is: It's like dying inside.
Strangely - or perhaps not so strangely - is the compulsive component to all this. When I'm going through one of these soul-killing episodes it feels as if I need to perform some action, some ritual, to make it all go away. The problem is, that compulsive ritual is not always clear.
Whenever I hear people talk about successful treatment programs for anxiety disorders, I 'm tempted to dismiss them with the thought "That's for people who suffer from straight on anxiety, or panic attacks, or even OCD; but they don't have this weird cluster of pscho symptoms that I obsess about."
I've had panic attacks, and anxiety, and depression - and they're all terrible - but it seems like this is different, even though it contains elements from several different disorders. This cluster of symptoms strikes fear in my heart like nothing I've ever known. Were it to (God forbid) ever take me over, I don't think I'd have any option left but suicide. THAT'S how much it frightens me. And, like all anxiety triggers, any thought of it, any recollection of how if "feels," any external association with a time or place when I had an attack - provokes a strong, fearful response. It's always "What if" with this fear. Like "What if THIS time, it destroys me."
I guess what I want to know is, have any of you ever experienced anything like this before? Or, have any of you clinicians worked with clients reporting similar symptoms?
Thanks for reading, and I apologize for the long-winded post.
Billdog