Enduronman
10-02-2012, 05:44 PM
This post won't be typed in any sort of cryptic manner, I wish you all to understand and this will also help me too.
I was forced to figure out the answers to many of lifes questions lately and to try to understand why I behave as I do, why I think as I do, why my physical body is going through the things that it is? My findings are quite troubleing, even to myself. I have always been hyper-sensitive, keen, aware, of my surroundings, people, myself, situations, events. I was born different then all others around me. I recall that and the things that I observed even from 40 yrs ago. I was super intelligent, smart, witty, and very quickly the answers to things asked would come. A class leader, successful, awarded, but there was something different about how I got to where I was. I was deviant, sly, slick, and could think of things that other kids my age could not. I never failed to perform or to meet my own personal demands of myself until I was 13 yrs old. Then, I snapped. I gave up on what society thought was important for me to know or to learn and chose to go my own way in life, to pave my own path, to blaze my own trails, regardless of what anyone else said or thought. I was no longer compliant with the world. My fingers are literally numb right now because they're freezing, even though I'm sitting in my warm home, and I too know why they suddenly are? My brain yet again has triggered the adrenal system to pour out disproportionate amounts of the chemicals needed to survive..a battle, on a battlefield. Only problem is, there is no battle anywhere and no one to battle. My system is limiting blood flow to my extremities to protect my vital organs in case I am shot or stabbed. Ridiculous! This is the very feeling, or at least one of them, that I had worked so hard to stop, end, cease. It has returned almost instantly, all by itself although I was forced to reach this tipping point yet again even though I tried to prevent this from happening. This feeling, this frame of mind, this condition, is not pleasant and I never wanted to live this again. I must start over again in attempts to remove this triggered aspect of my being. Amoung dozens of other things that I'm already dealing with too.
Now, to go from brainiac, to an out of control destructive criminal with 30+ arrests prior to age 18, to immediately stopping the deviant activities at age 18 because I was facing an 8 year prison sentence, to immediately becoming a successful addition to a normal society, marriage, 3 kids, a Grandson, a business, a home, to divorce, bankruptcy, child custody case, to my state Gov stealing $8000.00 from my bank account, to realizing my oldest daughter is an addict and nearly dead, to not just a disease but 2 lifelong diseases, to 3 months of disablement and being self-employed, to where I am today and listening to a voicemail from my idiot X wife asking when I'm going to pay last months support plus $200 in clothing expense that I agreed to pay,kinda takes a toll on a person..My fingers are still freezing so this isn't helping.
Here's the bottom line. The answer to how I made it to this point in life, with the conditions and disease that I now have is because I was born a PSYCHOPATH...genetics are hard to fight a war with over an entire lifetime. I've grown very weary...
So there, no riddles.
Have a splendid evening..
Mr. Enduronman.
I was forced to figure out the answers to many of lifes questions lately and to try to understand why I behave as I do, why I think as I do, why my physical body is going through the things that it is? My findings are quite troubleing, even to myself. I have always been hyper-sensitive, keen, aware, of my surroundings, people, myself, situations, events. I was born different then all others around me. I recall that and the things that I observed even from 40 yrs ago. I was super intelligent, smart, witty, and very quickly the answers to things asked would come. A class leader, successful, awarded, but there was something different about how I got to where I was. I was deviant, sly, slick, and could think of things that other kids my age could not. I never failed to perform or to meet my own personal demands of myself until I was 13 yrs old. Then, I snapped. I gave up on what society thought was important for me to know or to learn and chose to go my own way in life, to pave my own path, to blaze my own trails, regardless of what anyone else said or thought. I was no longer compliant with the world. My fingers are literally numb right now because they're freezing, even though I'm sitting in my warm home, and I too know why they suddenly are? My brain yet again has triggered the adrenal system to pour out disproportionate amounts of the chemicals needed to survive..a battle, on a battlefield. Only problem is, there is no battle anywhere and no one to battle. My system is limiting blood flow to my extremities to protect my vital organs in case I am shot or stabbed. Ridiculous! This is the very feeling, or at least one of them, that I had worked so hard to stop, end, cease. It has returned almost instantly, all by itself although I was forced to reach this tipping point yet again even though I tried to prevent this from happening. This feeling, this frame of mind, this condition, is not pleasant and I never wanted to live this again. I must start over again in attempts to remove this triggered aspect of my being. Amoung dozens of other things that I'm already dealing with too.
Now, to go from brainiac, to an out of control destructive criminal with 30+ arrests prior to age 18, to immediately stopping the deviant activities at age 18 because I was facing an 8 year prison sentence, to immediately becoming a successful addition to a normal society, marriage, 3 kids, a Grandson, a business, a home, to divorce, bankruptcy, child custody case, to my state Gov stealing $8000.00 from my bank account, to realizing my oldest daughter is an addict and nearly dead, to not just a disease but 2 lifelong diseases, to 3 months of disablement and being self-employed, to where I am today and listening to a voicemail from my idiot X wife asking when I'm going to pay last months support plus $200 in clothing expense that I agreed to pay,kinda takes a toll on a person..My fingers are still freezing so this isn't helping.
Here's the bottom line. The answer to how I made it to this point in life, with the conditions and disease that I now have is because I was born a PSYCHOPATH...genetics are hard to fight a war with over an entire lifetime. I've grown very weary...
So there, no riddles.
Have a splendid evening..
Mr. Enduronman.