Abel_DC
10-02-2012, 11:38 AM
Hello,
about me- I'm in my forties, married, have a career, and have been blessed in many ways. And yet there have been cycles in my life where a change our doubt has devastated me.
A year ago I lost a home and it devastated me. I couldn't work and took disability. My marriage was stressed and suffered. I suffered for 5 months loosing almost 30lbs from not being able to eat. Eventually with medication and therapy I came through it. This was not the first depressive/anxiety episode in my life but was the largest and lasted the longest.
Flashing to today: last week we closed on a new home and moved in. What should be a happy occasion, leaves me crying each night. I'm literally afraid to go home. its not really "mine". Did I make the right decision [my parents and wife have said yet]? Why can't I get comfortable in the new place. Some people have told me this is normal, and yet I feel anything but. I was taking Alprazolam (0.5MG) in secret to stop from bursting into tears during our first dinner night (with my parents) at the place. I am just so ashamed of it that I feel that it is compounding. My wife is understand but is being firm in not letting me belabor it. She tells me if I just give it time I will come around- we still have boxes so I guess that as I unpack it will feel better. But I am just so scared of going home that I really don't want to.
This is a new community and so I see the neighbors and they look so happy. I wonder why I can't be like that. Why do I suffer from what brings other pleasure? Part of the writing is to get all the thoughts out of my head, it was a therapy technique I tried before. So forgive my rambling. I want to head this off before it becomes worse.
When we were in the process of looking and buying I was the 'rock' being confident and solid for my wife. Is all that insecurity coming out now? If feels like it- but it also feels that it never ends. I do not want to cry every night for this.
can anybody relate?
about me- I'm in my forties, married, have a career, and have been blessed in many ways. And yet there have been cycles in my life where a change our doubt has devastated me.
A year ago I lost a home and it devastated me. I couldn't work and took disability. My marriage was stressed and suffered. I suffered for 5 months loosing almost 30lbs from not being able to eat. Eventually with medication and therapy I came through it. This was not the first depressive/anxiety episode in my life but was the largest and lasted the longest.
Flashing to today: last week we closed on a new home and moved in. What should be a happy occasion, leaves me crying each night. I'm literally afraid to go home. its not really "mine". Did I make the right decision [my parents and wife have said yet]? Why can't I get comfortable in the new place. Some people have told me this is normal, and yet I feel anything but. I was taking Alprazolam (0.5MG) in secret to stop from bursting into tears during our first dinner night (with my parents) at the place. I am just so ashamed of it that I feel that it is compounding. My wife is understand but is being firm in not letting me belabor it. She tells me if I just give it time I will come around- we still have boxes so I guess that as I unpack it will feel better. But I am just so scared of going home that I really don't want to.
This is a new community and so I see the neighbors and they look so happy. I wonder why I can't be like that. Why do I suffer from what brings other pleasure? Part of the writing is to get all the thoughts out of my head, it was a therapy technique I tried before. So forgive my rambling. I want to head this off before it becomes worse.
When we were in the process of looking and buying I was the 'rock' being confident and solid for my wife. Is all that insecurity coming out now? If feels like it- but it also feels that it never ends. I do not want to cry every night for this.
can anybody relate?