Howdy. :)

[Coritou]

Hello everyone,

Last night I had a realization that the issues I have are not going to just go away. Maybe I can control them, but since I do not have any health insurance whatsoever, or the finances to afford any sort of medication or counseling, I have to find some other means of letting everything out and hopefully getting some sort of help.

I'm 21 years old, currently enrolled in community college (full time, 16 credit hours) to try and do something with my life. I've been on my own and away from my family for almost three years now (in a different state) and it's been really hard, but somehow I'm still alive and not doing nearly as bad as I could be. All my life I've had anxiety problems, but to my knowledge I have never been diagnosed with anything. I see myself as having social anxiety disorder as I have all of the symptoms. Being around a lot of people just doesn't work for me, I always want to be alone and away from the crowd, even when it came to my own family. I constantly fear others are talking about me or judging me and it really gets to me. I've also suffered from depression for quite some time now; my feelings toward my situation, upbringing, and the fact that I don't feel I am where I should be at this point in my life, are really eating away at me and making it hard to function every day. My life isn't awful, but it's just really inconvenient: No car because I have no money, no money because I have no job, no job because I don't have transportation.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship which seems to have amplified my anxiety through the roof. She's currently attending college in another state and I'm hoping to move there either later in the year or next year, depending on if I can come up with the money somehow and also find a place to stay, close to where she is. Although I've known her for nearly a decade, it's really hard for me to trust her and that she will stay with me. Her life is so perfect compared to mine and I find myself becoming extremely anxious, jealous, paranoid, and fearing that she will find someone else who has a life that matches her own. All of these feelings along with my feelings of inadequacy are tearing me apart. My anxiety and depression take me to the point of losing my appetite completely, and not wanting to drink anything or even sleep.

Whether it's some sort of anxiety disorder or depression disorder, it comes (more often than I'd like) and goes. But when it does come, I sometimes get to the point of thoughts of suicide. Medication or counseling again, are out of the question unless I find a job with good benefits or win the lottery. I really need friends, but I live in kind of a desolate area and don't know anyone, or have the money to really go out and do anything. So the web is really all I have... I apologize for the lengthy post, but I wanted to give a little personal background on myself while at the same time trying to provide some insight to my problems.

Thank you, to anyone who cares and takes the time to read. :D

[Enduronman]

Newbie,..welcome.
1. There are mental health facilities and clinics scattered throughout this entire country to assist you. With no insurance, with no money, with no ride..You just have to make 1 call and they'll work around ALL of those things that you consider to be obstacles and also creates the feelings that you're inadequate or not a vital part of your life or society itself. Quit kickin yerself around about it, there are MILLIONS of kids in yer same position.
2. The anxiety/social anxiety will continue to strengthen if you don't at least try to find some local agencies to assist you. Also, considering you're in college, they also have guidance councelors and human resources departments for this very reason because they have too..so if the other option fails then utilize this option.
3. Having this type of social disability at a college is not helping matters either because I'm sure that there are other kids there that feel just like you do, and desperately just need a friend to talk too and spend time with. The only way to get this barrier down is through therapy, and from the looks of this post an AD med and possible an anti-anxiety med as well. You wont need $ for these with your present life position, in fact it'll help you to get what you need much faster. Trust me...
4. Being away from family brings on certain separation anxiety all its own and also the long distance relationship is yet another extremely troubleing issue too because that's when your mind wanders and brings in all the stupid "what ifs" syndrome..That just feeds this whole nasty condition so it will grow stronger and stronger if left untreated friend..

Another thing to remember, even though you feel like you're banging your head on a brick wall and really down in the dumps..there are WAY more people out there in WAY worse shape then you bruh. Embrace and accept what your life has offered you to this point and start refining it before it wraps you up and consumes you like it did me..

You've gotta find the means to correct this severe problem before it becomes catastrophic.

Enduronman..

[Coritou]

You're right, about everything...I really should look into getting help more. I just feel like it'll be impossible and that I have to do everything on my own, as I have had to already for the most part. Also sorry for the double-post. I tried to delete one but it didn't seem to work. Guessing this was because I am a new members so this feature may not yet be available.

[Enduronman]

Your challenges may seem daunting to you but in all reality bruh, they're not..Don't make me list my challenges here for you, yer head would spin my friend. Just make the move on Monday and start walkin down a new path that you're going to create.

E-Man.