Anxiety, depression and the nature of existence.

[Deoxy Starchaser]

A thank you in advance for anyone who reads this and replies as this is about more than getting answers. I want to feel reconnected with people and even if this isn't real life it helps a little. I have hardly left the house in months, I've lost contact with all my friends and my anxiety condition worsened since. Yesterday, in fear and desperation, I contacted an old friend of mine, explained to him my situation and agreed to meet later today.

I'm a man of science by every definition of my nature. I seek the objectifyable facts about life and this has been the cause of some behaviour others may seem 'odd'. It gives the impression that I have some 'what's the point' mentality for the most part when it comes to socialising. This isn't bothersome to me, everyone is different and this is me. I have no credentials or anything but I take a deep interest in physics. In general just like that, but moreso when it involves the very nature of our universe. Particularly its timeline. Even more particularly its end.

The time I've spend alone in my apartment gave me time to think, look up stuff. Video games and masturbation only take so much of your time. The more you process what I learn from the study of the fundamental properties of our universe the more anxious I became. I became more and more aware about the inevitable end of our universe and thus the end of ideas and values. When I feared my mortality I told myself that even if technology doesn't make me live 'indefinitely', anything I contribute to humanity, and my kin, will continue forward, shaping the collective human experiment. But what point does it all make if our current theories are anywhere near accurate? That at the end this will all just repeat itself. As I write this I keep asking myself, "how many times has Deoxy Starchaser written this on anxietyforum.net?", "Is that even a valid question, or is asking 'how many times' redundant as it implies time outside of our universe"?

I don't want to be ignorant of what we learn as we progress but I need help living in the moment. I want help accepting and coming to peace with whatever existence is and presents. I want to learn how to accept love and love back. I don't feel suicidal, but I am sick of this feeling, a feeling of 'what's the point?'. I want to live for the moment like I used to. I want to see a point in the menial things again. I want to really enjoy just being a fool with my friends. I want to enjoy art and music. I want to be fooled by the idea of free will again. I'm sobbing as I write this , please understand my urgency. Thank you!! <3

[AceParadox]

Hello, friend.

I'm sure if I didn't have a tension headache I'd be able to understand your 2nd to last paragraph better. my minds all foggy atm. From what I could gather you, you needed company even if it isn't irl. Know that we're all here for ya :D Everyone is in the same boat here, so we care for each other because we're alike in the fact we all suffer from anxiety.

I tried the same thing as you. Video games and masturbation. It's not enough. I re-subscribed to WoW because it's a social hub literally, and I knew I could distract myself within the game easily (ex-addict). Leveling, raids, BG's, going for achievements with friends. It worked for a while, but I noticed I was getting addicted again. So I quit... I went to League of Legends and got really competitive in it which worked great for distracting me from my anxiety. But, because I had repressed all this emotion in my waking life by playing video games, it came to me in the form of nightmares (and it still does).

There is much to life though. The purpose of these menial things, is to live. All of it is a part of life, and if you look closely you will find all is beautiful. I look outside and see the leaves all changed colors for autumn, and the sun glistening off them. I hear the neighbor kids playing in the yards, I smell people Barbequeing, I see the cute girl across the street smile at me when I actually venture out of the house. And I think "Damn. I'm missing out...I used to be one of the top heart throbs in my high school class. I was voted Best Actor in the theatre.. and theatre.. I had so many friends, and not its all gone... I've hidden myself away, cowering." and I realize it's time to go back out and enjoy life. It's time to be all I can be.


Apologies if this doesn't even make sense or relate to what you wanted, I'm tired too haha. Anyway man, you're not alone. WE're here for yaaaa. don't give up and stuff.

[Siegfried]

Hello Deoxy

Thank you for sharing this with us. We are all on the same boat: having to come to terms with the mortality of our values is what one may be pardoned for calling "the human condition". Some people do not seem to think about it, bless are they! Some of us do. You got to articulate your condition through science, but humans have found many other ways of expressing themselves - the notion of god, magic, poetry, art, philosophy, myth, etc. - and the only piece of advice I can give you is to try and find other expressions of those fears, and understand that we are all on the same boat. Together. And it is beautiful as it is. I suggest you read Richard Rorty Irony, Contingency and Solidarity, and I'll leave you with a couple of passages you may find inspiring, but only when you get over the notion of timelessness and get back to being satisfied with mortal great great grandchildren:

"But every one remembered; what she loved was this, here, now, in front of her; the fat lady in the cab. Did it matter then, she asked herself, walking towards Bond Street, did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely; all this must go on without her; did she resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? but that somehow in the streets of London, on the ebb and flow of things, here, there, she survived, Peter survived, lived in each other, she being part, she was positive, of the trees at home; of the house there, ugly, rambling all to bits and pieces as it was; part of people she had never met; being laid out like a mist between the people she knew best, who lifted her on their branches as she had seen the trees lift the mist, but it spread ever so far, her life, herself." Virginia Woolf in Mrs. Dalloway

"THOU, too, sail on, O Ship of State!
Sail on, O UNION, strong and great!
Humanity with all its fears,
With all the hopes of future years,
Is hanging breathless on thy fate!
We know what Master laid thy keel,
What Workmen wrought thy ribs of steel,
Who made each mast, and sail, and rope,
What anvils rang, what hammers beat,
In what a forge and what a heat
Were shaped the anchors of thy hope!
Fear not each sudden sound and shock,
&rsquo;T is of the wave and not the rock;
&rsquo;T is but the flapping of the sail,
And not a rent made by the gale!
In spite of rock and tempest&rsquo;s roar,
In spite of false lights on the shore,
Sail on, nor fear to breast the sea!
Our hearts, our hopes, are all with thee,
Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears,
Our faith triumphant o&rsquo;er our fears,
Are all with thee,&mdash;are all with thee!"

Henry wadsworth Longfellow

[Deoxy Starchaser]

Apologies if this doesn't even make sense or relate to what you wanted, I'm tired too haha. Anyway man, you're not alone. WE're here for yaaaa. don't give up and stuff.

It does make sense!=] I've drifted down this slippery slope where I swapped my perspective with the theoretical perspective of the 'beyond the universe'. Now nothing seems to be worth anything. I find a new song, I listen to it and it appeals to me, but a big part of me rejects it as 'too menial' (Currently, /watch?v=H4tyvJJzSDk .... I want to genuinely like this but I can't), what is the point in enjoyment if it is all going to end? I need to climb back out of this slope. I have convinced myself that life is too short for anything, on the bright side I am aware that life is too short for anger and hate, but in the process I also convinced myself that life is too short, limited even in the best case scenario, for happiness, love and companionship.

I've never expressed this to anyone, but also in the process I have become attached to my identity, my ideas, values and experiences. And I fear their demise much like a mother or father would fear the death of their children. Somewhere in there I have also fallen deeply in love with a construct of my imagination, anatomically she is not human, an animal but not quite, not really an antromorph either, but still has many human inner characteristics, strengths and weaknesses. I am discouraged from giving the full details for fear of giving a weird impression on you, but all I can say if that she's from a current popular cartoon show. I've taken the show canon about her, filled the gaps with my mind and I feel genuine love and lust for her, and I'm scared to lose her, I'm afraid she'll become too 'mundane' in a finite universe. I retain my hope that bioengineering will one day enable me to create her (see how weird I get with this?), and I finally get to hold her in my arms even for 1 minute before I die. (I broke to tears the moment I wrote that, damn). Maybe this is 23 years of loneliness talking, coupled with a feeling of urgency from my anxiety, normally I wouldn't be this open about this with anyone. But then again, life is too short to hold back on my emotions. The hope of her being brought to life has kept me going, it is a possibility that toughs of suicide will arise if I wake up to find I am absent from her imaginary yet warm embrace.


In hope that I have not weirded you out too much, I thank you for hearing me out. As I wrote this I was driven to tears a few times and I had the aforementioned song playing in the background. Writing this post gave it more value and I feel calmer knowing that soon I'll click 'post quick reply' and give voice to my feelings. It took A LOT off my chest, even if it's to people I don't know.

And thanks Siegfried. No matter how many times people assure we're all in the same boat it never ceases to make me feel better. I appreciate the passages too :)

[Deoxy Starchaser]

This 'revelation' of the finite state of our existence is a recent development. I am desperately hoping that it is just a passing phase, much like the various stages of anxiety I've had before where each week i'd be afraid of a different terminal condition, and each week presents itself with a myriad of different feelings and symptoms. This time the symptoms are minimal but. I feel hot and on edge, sweating despite moderate temperatures. I want to get lost in someone, let my cares dissolve in someone's arms.

[dazza]

I hate to be simplistic, but it sounds like you need a shag me old fruit.

[MeToo]

A Shag? That sounda a but too Beavis and Butthead doesn't it? I've had the odd person say that to me, but then if I did follow that advice I'd worry about getting the woman pregnant (no contraception is 100% effective) or that she might decide later she didn't really want to do that and say it was rape.

Regarding the OP, the universe can't end, time can't end. If the universe and "time" end what happens after that? There would still have to be some semblance of existence and time. Whilst I'm not fully aware of your personality and situation, I would suggest you may just be over thinking things a little. The timespans involved with the universe etc are so incomprehensible to us mortals that it just doesn't bear thinking about. Concentrate on the here and now. I know that feeling of "whats the point" and life having no purpose, some people just resort to drink in that situation but I'm not suggesting you do that, but I am saying find some distraction, often for me a distraction can bring a temporary respite from everything. This distraction can be a really engrossing book, a DVD, or some household task

[jhunter89]

I wouldn't recommend shagging old fruit :D

[Deoxy Starchaser]

HAH!:p I know I went off on a tangent on my loneliness but let's forget I ever said that, at this stage even if I get a girl in my bed I'll end up with my head against her chest, shivering and talking about the Poincaré recurrence theorem. Besides I pretty much lost all my libido =/. It would just be an escape from constantly feeling on edge, I want to feel normal again, focused.

MeToo, I'm not going to go into theoretical physics here, it's far too broad, but to make my point clear I was not referring to a hypothetical end-state of existence, just our universe. The something rather than nothing aspect has always fascinated me but the insignificance of us in that system is itself beyond comprehension. I suggest you watch this: /watch?v=1GCf29FPM4k

The current source of my anxiety comes from the idea of free-will becoming less and less relevant. The more I got into physics the more I understand the implications of cause and effect, and everything seems to have lost its point. This wasn't a problem until anxiety took over, I was pressured to get out of the house to experience new things and get my mind of the constant fear. But the more I try to enjoy the 'simple things' the more my mind tells me there is no point to this. This is why I got so... desperate. I want to see a point in all this :( I miss being a little more carefree than this and living for the moment.

I've been trying my best to just forget about science altogether. I can't handle that part of reality anymore.

[jhunter89]

Gosh you got a lot swirling around that ol' noggin of yours. Whenever I think about the universe and how massive it is and why and what the fuck is it anyway? My brain just goes ARRRGHHH! let's think about something else :) lol

[AceParadox]

Ah I see, I see. That must be really hard on you, it's hard to turn your back on something believed for so long, believe me I know. But it CAN be done :D

You can still go back to the "living for the moment" thing. You just have to take a step out your door, and listen. Listen to the birds chirp (Or cars honking depending where you live xD), look around you and just take it all in. I did this once. You see the couple kissing on the street, the look of longing in their eyes as they part, or you see the kids playing catch or whatever the smiles on their faces the joy in their laugher. You just gotto try to see things from their point of view, especially the kids part because you see kids don't care about if the universe is going to just stop or something like that, they'll just shrug and keep playing. Because... because life is about living, and enjoying the time you have no matter what may lie in the future. There is only "Here and now", just think like that or try to. Like right now, I don't care about the possibility that I may have heart burn in a bit after eating these delicious hot wings, I'm too focused on enjoying these hot wings. The world may end tommoro (sorry for those who fear this), but damn these wings are good. Know what I'm saying? :P


Oh and in the libido catagory... You ever try maca root capsules? I've started to use them again, just to see what affect it has on my anxiety and what not, and Holy jeez. Sex drive went up like BAM. Gives you a hardon like a rock though, you could literally bat a baseball with it. Ahem. yeh anyway hope I made some sense in my post, not sure if that's what you needed to hear or not.

[dazza]

Let's think about SEX! lol

No, seriously fella... one of mans primal instincts is to have sex / pro-create / sausage time / bang / hump / shag / bedroom rodeo / give it sum' / park the car in the hairy garage... and so on.

If we go for LONG periods without this, we end up looking for alternatives to keep us busy... like; masturbation, video games and THINKING TOO MUCH.

I'm serious.

We've all been down that "what's life all about"... "how big is the universe"... "where does the universe end... because it must?" road and it gets you nowhere.

Come back down to earth and smell the coffee. Leave that thinking for the loons!

[AceParadox]

Dazza is right! Man deoxy, if I was near you right now, I'd suggest we hit up the club. Meet some ladies and Get the joys of life back and flowin through your veins. Gotta live! I think I just might do that tommoro night. Friday after all. and I've kicked video games out of my life...time to get back on the market.

[Deoxy Starchaser]

Gosh you got a lot swirling around that ol' noggin of yours. Whenever I think about the universe and how massive it is and why and what the fuck is it anyway? My brain just goes ARRRGHHH! let's think about something else :) lol

As much as I value the mind I envy you, thinking too much about the state of the universe can be unhealthy. Especially when you're not sure if your anxiety exaggerating it or if it's the thinking that's causing the anxiety. lol.

I want to think more like you do jhunter, I want to be fascinated by cosmologically trivial things again. Fuck, I want to fap without thinking what will happen in 10e+2799 years from now.

Well I just finished downloading Guild Wars 2. Hopefully this will give my brain some rest.....XD

[AceParadox]

Heard GW2 is pretty awesome. PvP is fairly balanced. Good PvE content and what not. Let me know how it is. Don't forget to pop out for fresh air thoouuughhh lol :P

Even though I can't play it xDDD

[jhunter89]

Fap? There are many things we will never understand, it's just not worth thinking/worrying about! Enjoy your video games :D I cannot play them because I am shite and it winds me up haha

[jhunter89]

Dont worry I know what it means now lol

[Deoxy Starchaser]

Oh and in the libido catagory... You ever try maca root capsules? I've started to use them again, just to see what affect it has on my anxiety and what not, and Holy jeez. Sex drive went up like BAM. Gives you a hardon like a rock though, you could literally bat a baseball with it. Ahem. yeh anyway hope I made some sense in my post, not sure if that's what you needed to hear or not.

Thanks for the advice by the way, temperature is still very hot and humid where I'm from but when winter sets in it will make for great walks, the rain makes everything so much better :).

I've looked up maca roots and you've got my interested in giving them a go. Do I need a prescription?

[AceParadox]

Haha, yeah gotta love the rain and after it rains. I, for one, am a big fan of walks after it rains. Smells great.
As for maca, I'm pretty sure you don't. I bought mine off amazon. Nature's Way brand. The thing that interested me at first was that Incan warriors used it before battle to fortify their stam and energy. If you do try it, take 1/4 the recommended dose to start off, as it takes some working into. I did tons and tons of research (as I do with every new herbal thing I wanna try) before buying it and there are no known side effects. Some people get a stomach ache if they take full dose straight off.

But, boy did it give me an energy boost or what, apart from the libido and such, I could powerlift weights like a boss, my reflexes were faster, I was more aware of my environment, and just felt good. But yeah I recommend giving it a try.

Oh, what class you gunna roll in GW2?

[Deoxy Starchaser]

It's worth a try, it sounds like just what I need right now, so thanks. Had some time to think today and I'm in the process of sorting out my head and I feel [a little] better in general.

I'm going asura Asura, maybe play with other races in the far future but I usually stick to just one account. As for class, either Elementalist or Mesmer. I'm partially considering Ranger too. Right now giving it a go with my Necro, my gtx670 can handle it pretty well, 50-60fps maxed out. If you ever start playing let me know ;D

[Deoxy Starchaser]

It's worth a try, it sounds like just what I need right now, so thanks. Had some time to think today and I'm in the process of sorting out my head and I feel [a little] better in general.

I'm going Asura, maybe play with other races in the far future but I usually stick to just one account. As for class, either Elementalist or Mesmer. I'm partially considering Ranger too. Right now giving it a go with a Necro, my gtx670 can handle it pretty well, 50-60fps maxed out. If you ever start playing let me know ;D

[AceParadox]

Ah nice nice, if I ever pick up the game for casual fun in the future I'd likely go elementalist, I guess they have a move where they turn into a tornado and just spin through everything lol. Seemed like fun. GTX670? Wow, my rig is so outdated haha. I was running a 3.2 quad with an ancient GTX260 and 8 gigs of ram. Surprisingly the GTX260 could run games pretty decently up till now. I was just happy I could run New Vegas, and Skyrim on high settings. ARMA 2 however, nopppee, which was particularly sad because I love sandbox style games. Ah well, yeh I'll let you know. Probably giving video games a good long break though for now. Have fun :]

[davidvanjack]

I'm scared of universe. Of the sun, moon, earth. I think that they are greater organism. And sometimes to all that fear i have feelin that we are in some kind of a game. And that are aliens who manipulate us. . . That was the things that i loved the most. To investigate the galaxy, to meet alien. I was concies that the earth is just a bigger organism and the whole universe long time ago i was having anxiety panic attacks. I'm from serbia by the way. The natural cure exist but we must to find it. i really want to stay in contact with you. We all can find cure together :-)

[daisy84279]

Wow Deoxy. It's like I was reading my own thoughts when I read your post. I feel exactly the same way. To be honest, I always wonder if I feel real emotions. Or do I just act like I do? Like when I hear someone has died, I just can't get that feeling of sadness and sympathy like I feel I should. When I'm happy, or think I am, I second-guess myself and wonder if I'm just really faking being happy. How does someone be happy? What does it really feel like? I feel so disconnected from humanity. It's almost like I don't feel human anymore. I yern so badly for that feeling. To be care-free, to just sit back and enjoy life. But I too am distracted by the "what's the point?" thought process. No matter how hard I try, it always seems to sneak back into my thoughts. I'm a very analytical person, and I think that is my downfall. Sometimes I feel like my brain is computer, contstantly processing all that is happening around me and coming to conclusions based on the input I'm getting. And like any computer, there are no emotions, no feelings, no tears. I do cry a lot, but it's out of frustration and depression of not feeling like I really fit in here on this planet.

[dazza]

>I do cry a lot, but it's out of frustration and depression of not feeling like I really fit in here on this planet.

Sounds like someone else needs a right good shagging? pmsl

No sex = detachment from life = no point in anything = depression

:-)

[daisy84279]

Lol daza you are right on that one. It's probly been about 2 years for me

[dazza]

Well, there ya go... alienated from the rest of the human race through no intimate human contact.

Seriously, sex can do so much for our inner being. It can make us feel alive... feel wanted... feel normal.

After all, the only conclusion we can make to the "meaning of life" is to procreate, or at least perform the act!

When people go for long periods without "it", they begin to question "what is my purpose?" and go down weird routes, like... thinking about how big the universe is... trying to make sense of their existance.

[AceParadox]

Either that or just head out and find a hobbie that involves other people. Sports can make you feel wanted, alive, and normal and it can even increase your performance in the sack as well ;] More stamina, energy and what not. If you don't like sports, try something else like join the theatre! My days as an actor were THE BEST. Loved every minute of it. Or maybe a chess club. Just anything to do with other people :D

Whilst enjoying yourself doing that, you'll likely meet a nice girl or guy, and well you already have something to talk about, get a date, play your cards right and get invited in for a hot coffee.

[dazza]

>play your cards right and get invited in for a hot coffee

Reminds me of an Austin Powers line:

Girl: "Would you like a coffee or something?"

Austin: "Let's have something first then coffee later... YEAH BABY"

[AceParadox]

Hahahahaha xD!

[tainted lotus]

I am new here and am just thankful to have other people that suffer from anxietey, panic, phobia's, depression, what ever! Even though it makes me sad so know that other's suffer, there is some comfort in know that I do not suffer alone...

[AceParadox]

well if I've not said it already, Welcome aboard :] Yep you sure are not alone. I always like to wonder, when out and about and walking through the mall, I think "How many people here other than me suffer from anxiety?" I bet it'd be quite a few.

[dazza]

well if I've not said it already, Welcome aboard :] Yep you sure are not alone. I always like to wonder, when out and about and walking through the mall, I think "How many people here other than me suffer from anxiety?" I bet it'd be quite a few.

Interesting you say that... I'm finding myself doing the same recently.

I "think" I saw one woman in her early 50's having an attack at a road-side service the other week.
Her family sat her down and gathered around her while she appeared to be deep breathing and looking flustered.

I nearly went over, but stopped when I thought I may embarass her.

We're a special breed. Keep an our out for our anxious brothers and sisters... lol

[daisy84279]

What's funny about my situation daza, is that I'm engaged. We may have had sex about 3 times since we have been together. And that's 3 and a half years!

[dazza]

What's funny about my situation daza, is that I'm engaged. We may have had sex about 3 times since we have been together. And that's 3 and a half years!

That's NOT funny... even though I'm laughing... that's not funny! lol

[AceParadox]

In school, there was a reason I could keep my six pack, even though I didn't really play any sports. I had the best cardio program available to man. I'd go out to an all you can eat buffet and just pig out, and my buddies would be like "dude, your gunna gain so much weight eating like that" and I'll say "Naw, I'll burn it all off tonight." ;]

[jhunter89]

I can't be arsed with it myself. If my fella asks me I'm usually like. "do I have to do anything?" lol!!

[AceParadox]

Haha, J xD :P

[jhunter89]

Maybe I need some of that maca root stuff you was on about Ace. Lol! ;)

[ananxiousgirl]

Thank you for sharing.

[AceParadox]

Haha well worth a try, J :D
Worked for me. Heard Deoxy was gunna give it a go too.

[Deoxy Starchaser]

Very sorry I haven't been on in a long time, have not been feeling too well.


>I do cry a lot, but it's out of frustration and depression of not feeling like I really fit in here on this planet.

Sounds like someone else needs a right good shagging? pmsl

No sex = detachment from life = no point in anything = depression

:-)

I never had sex. Somewhere along the line I figured women just wait for men to woo them and I got the feeling the playing field wasn't levelled. I don't feel happy having to involve myself in a psychologically tormenting mating ritual to get sex.

[laurandisorder]

Interesting you say that... I'm finding myself doing the same recently.

I "think" I saw one woman in her early 50's having an attack at a road-side service the other week.
Her family sat her down and gathered around her while she appeared to be deep breathing and looking flustered.

I nearly went over, but stopped when I thought I may embarass her.

We're a special breed. Keep an our out for our anxious brothers and sisters... lol

Particilating in athletics, I helped soooooooooo many kids who had panic attacks due to hyperventilating. I felt useful and so proud that I could help them out with breathing and relaxing without getting flustered.

People would be amazed at how many young people deal with anxiety. And you know what? It's always the best and brightest!

As for the sex thing, to each their own... I prefer it to be a two person job, but if my depressed (and possibly soon to be ex?) fiancé is MIA, I can take care of myself ;)

[dazza]

Very sorry I haven't been on in a long time, have not been feeling too well.



Somewhere along the line I figured women just wait for men to woo them and I got the feeling the playing field wasn't levelled. I don't feel happy having to involve myself in a psychologically tormenting mating ritual to get sex.

Ya know, there's a direct relationship between this quote and the number of women you've made LURRRVVVV to, lol