DragonLilly
09-26-2012, 10:15 PM
Hey guys, I felt the need to vent out everything that's been hurting me. I have no one to talk to and I really need to let it out. This may be long.
My name is Jessica, I'm 21 years old and very depressed.
Lately I have been having severe down turns where I am considering either suicide or murder. I get in really angry moods and just want to yell at anyone who hurts me or gets too close. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am so desperate now that I just want to let it all out, even if if does hurt someone. My mind feels like it might fall apart and my chest feels heavy with emotion.
My depression is based on a few major issues: Abuse, abandonment, loneliness and neglect.
When I was a child I was raped by my dad, and because my mum had severe depression I was neglected, often lacking basic needs such as food and hygiene. My first memories are of my dad beating up my mum and of him killing animals.
My mum left my dad and re-married. Too bad my step-dad was also a jerk. He threatens me and is perverted, he tries to walk in on me in the shower and steals my underwear. It freaks me out and I now refuse to do my washing or take showers when he is home. It makes life very difficult.
Five years ago my step-dads brother attempted to rape me on Christmas day. Ever since I have stayed away from him but when I see him down the street he acts intimidating to upset me, I am terrified. My step-dad and his parents blamed me for the incident and spread rumours around my home town saying I was on drugs and mentally unstable.
During high school I began to be bullied by most of my peers and was constantly threatened and left out. My only friend deserted me and began to tease me too. They would throw my bag in the bins or up a tree and make fun of me in class.
In year/grade 10 I dropped out because of my depression. My aunts, uncles and cousins all turned around and bullied me for doing this. They invited me to a birthday party and then teased me, they said that "they always knew I would amount to nothing and end up on the dole." I was heart broken because they had always supported me through school and told me they were proud of me. When I left it was like I no longer mattered to them.
I started to become socially afraid. I stopped leaving the house and no one ever spoke to me. One night I grew desperate and had an argument with my mum telling her to leave my step-dad. I was tired of the abuse and wanted a new life. He overheard this and came into the room and attempted to strangle me, he said he was going to kill me.
I left home and moved in with some people I didn't really know. It went well for a while but they couldn't handle my depression and started to bully me and tell me I was a sook and I complained too much. One night I had had enough and went out with my mum. I got a call and was told I was being kicked out.
I returned to live with my mum and her husband. I was terrified and spent every moment locked in my room, I only left when my step-dad was at work in which I showered and did my washing. I had now become very ill with an illness called Fibromyalgia, so now my body was in constant pain and I found it hard to do anything anymore. I spent most days in bed resting.
My young sister became very ill with a rare chronic illness. She had to go to the hospital in Sydney to get treatment and my mum went with her. I was now left to face my step-dad alone. Mum could no longer stand up to him and keep me safe.
My depression got worse and I began to have seizures. I began to talk to myself constantly because of loneliness and I lived in constant fear for my life. The only company I had now was my cat, although it scared me because my step-dad threatened to hurt him and I didn't want my only companion taken from me. I spent a lot of time finding ways to keep my cat safe, as well as myself.
I began to become incredibly ill and my depression was sending me nearly insane. I decided that I had no choice but to move in with my mum and sister who were staying at a charity house in Sydney. Sadly I had to leave my cat behind and I hoped that he would be alright.
Two months after leaving, my cat died. He had gotten a disease and had to be put down.
In Sydney I tried to get help for my depression since my home town had very little to offer. I got a higher does of medication and did my best to cope. Due to Centrelink requirements I started Year 10/11 at TAFE. (I had attempted Year 10 five times before this but failed to pass each time.)
So now we are up to date. I'm living in Sydney at Ronald McDonald House, I have no where to live and once again I am failing my studies because I cannot cope. I want to have my own place but because of my situation I cannot get one. Rent is too high in Sydney and without a job it's impossible. If I go back home I have to live with my step-dad and my life would be really hard. Besides it's a farm house and I can't drive (remember the seizures?), so I have no way to get to work if I got a job.
I could get a job in Sydney but it's difficult to find work and there are other issues too. RMH (Ronald McDonald House) means I don't have my own space and I live in a small shared room with my mum and sister. This makes things harder and due to obvious reasons, everything I own is back at the farm apart from a few clothes.
Lately I have had this urge to want to murder my step-dad, I know it would do me no good but I feel he is ruining my chance for a life. I doubt I will act on it but I can't deny the thought is there.
Also lately I have had this wanting to slice up my face, I'm not sure why, I just want to get a knife and slash my skin into many cuts. I think it's because I hate who I am and when I look in the mirror I cannot recognize the face looking back as me. So I want to fix it by cutting it up.
I've been very lonely and there are days where I cannot tell reality from fantasy. I have no sense of time and people are like shadows to my mind. I no longer accept compliments as I have been let down too many times, if someone tries to tell me I'm OK I just get angry and/or laugh at them.
I don't hate who I am really (apart from my appearance), but I am afraid of what others think. I think they will hurt me if I am not good enough, so I shy away from everyone. I cannot form friendships and I freak the moment anyone gets too close. So I am alone, I even see my family as enemies because I have no trust.
I am getting help but I am afraid it isn't quick enough. Not to mention I am slowly lacking motivation to help myself, it's like some days I'm content to just let myself slide into madness. My mum is no help, she's afraid of me which I think is really stupid. She cowers from me and keeps telling me I am going to hurt her. I have no idea what she is talking about as I am really protective of her and would never harm her, I hate that she doesn't know me well enough to realize this. :/
Anyway I have no one to really give me a helping hand, I am fighting this alone and I hate it. I get counseling but again it's not enough and while I will be getting extra help later via my doctor it's not fast enough. I feel I need help now. Though again, my trust in people makes me recoil at the thought of speaking to someone about all this.
It's different on the net though, you guys don't know me in real life so I feel less judged, hence why I can say what I want. In real life I would just get mad and withdraw.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. *sigh*
My name is Jessica, I'm 21 years old and very depressed.
Lately I have been having severe down turns where I am considering either suicide or murder. I get in really angry moods and just want to yell at anyone who hurts me or gets too close. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am so desperate now that I just want to let it all out, even if if does hurt someone. My mind feels like it might fall apart and my chest feels heavy with emotion.
My depression is based on a few major issues: Abuse, abandonment, loneliness and neglect.
When I was a child I was raped by my dad, and because my mum had severe depression I was neglected, often lacking basic needs such as food and hygiene. My first memories are of my dad beating up my mum and of him killing animals.
My mum left my dad and re-married. Too bad my step-dad was also a jerk. He threatens me and is perverted, he tries to walk in on me in the shower and steals my underwear. It freaks me out and I now refuse to do my washing or take showers when he is home. It makes life very difficult.
Five years ago my step-dads brother attempted to rape me on Christmas day. Ever since I have stayed away from him but when I see him down the street he acts intimidating to upset me, I am terrified. My step-dad and his parents blamed me for the incident and spread rumours around my home town saying I was on drugs and mentally unstable.
During high school I began to be bullied by most of my peers and was constantly threatened and left out. My only friend deserted me and began to tease me too. They would throw my bag in the bins or up a tree and make fun of me in class.
In year/grade 10 I dropped out because of my depression. My aunts, uncles and cousins all turned around and bullied me for doing this. They invited me to a birthday party and then teased me, they said that "they always knew I would amount to nothing and end up on the dole." I was heart broken because they had always supported me through school and told me they were proud of me. When I left it was like I no longer mattered to them.
I started to become socially afraid. I stopped leaving the house and no one ever spoke to me. One night I grew desperate and had an argument with my mum telling her to leave my step-dad. I was tired of the abuse and wanted a new life. He overheard this and came into the room and attempted to strangle me, he said he was going to kill me.
I left home and moved in with some people I didn't really know. It went well for a while but they couldn't handle my depression and started to bully me and tell me I was a sook and I complained too much. One night I had had enough and went out with my mum. I got a call and was told I was being kicked out.
I returned to live with my mum and her husband. I was terrified and spent every moment locked in my room, I only left when my step-dad was at work in which I showered and did my washing. I had now become very ill with an illness called Fibromyalgia, so now my body was in constant pain and I found it hard to do anything anymore. I spent most days in bed resting.
My young sister became very ill with a rare chronic illness. She had to go to the hospital in Sydney to get treatment and my mum went with her. I was now left to face my step-dad alone. Mum could no longer stand up to him and keep me safe.
My depression got worse and I began to have seizures. I began to talk to myself constantly because of loneliness and I lived in constant fear for my life. The only company I had now was my cat, although it scared me because my step-dad threatened to hurt him and I didn't want my only companion taken from me. I spent a lot of time finding ways to keep my cat safe, as well as myself.
I began to become incredibly ill and my depression was sending me nearly insane. I decided that I had no choice but to move in with my mum and sister who were staying at a charity house in Sydney. Sadly I had to leave my cat behind and I hoped that he would be alright.
Two months after leaving, my cat died. He had gotten a disease and had to be put down.
In Sydney I tried to get help for my depression since my home town had very little to offer. I got a higher does of medication and did my best to cope. Due to Centrelink requirements I started Year 10/11 at TAFE. (I had attempted Year 10 five times before this but failed to pass each time.)
So now we are up to date. I'm living in Sydney at Ronald McDonald House, I have no where to live and once again I am failing my studies because I cannot cope. I want to have my own place but because of my situation I cannot get one. Rent is too high in Sydney and without a job it's impossible. If I go back home I have to live with my step-dad and my life would be really hard. Besides it's a farm house and I can't drive (remember the seizures?), so I have no way to get to work if I got a job.
I could get a job in Sydney but it's difficult to find work and there are other issues too. RMH (Ronald McDonald House) means I don't have my own space and I live in a small shared room with my mum and sister. This makes things harder and due to obvious reasons, everything I own is back at the farm apart from a few clothes.
Lately I have had this urge to want to murder my step-dad, I know it would do me no good but I feel he is ruining my chance for a life. I doubt I will act on it but I can't deny the thought is there.
Also lately I have had this wanting to slice up my face, I'm not sure why, I just want to get a knife and slash my skin into many cuts. I think it's because I hate who I am and when I look in the mirror I cannot recognize the face looking back as me. So I want to fix it by cutting it up.
I've been very lonely and there are days where I cannot tell reality from fantasy. I have no sense of time and people are like shadows to my mind. I no longer accept compliments as I have been let down too many times, if someone tries to tell me I'm OK I just get angry and/or laugh at them.
I don't hate who I am really (apart from my appearance), but I am afraid of what others think. I think they will hurt me if I am not good enough, so I shy away from everyone. I cannot form friendships and I freak the moment anyone gets too close. So I am alone, I even see my family as enemies because I have no trust.
I am getting help but I am afraid it isn't quick enough. Not to mention I am slowly lacking motivation to help myself, it's like some days I'm content to just let myself slide into madness. My mum is no help, she's afraid of me which I think is really stupid. She cowers from me and keeps telling me I am going to hurt her. I have no idea what she is talking about as I am really protective of her and would never harm her, I hate that she doesn't know me well enough to realize this. :/
Anyway I have no one to really give me a helping hand, I am fighting this alone and I hate it. I get counseling but again it's not enough and while I will be getting extra help later via my doctor it's not fast enough. I feel I need help now. Though again, my trust in people makes me recoil at the thought of speaking to someone about all this.
It's different on the net though, you guys don't know me in real life so I feel less judged, hence why I can say what I want. In real life I would just get mad and withdraw.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. *sigh*