controlling relationship triggered off panic and anxiety attacks

[xmyimmortalx]

Hi everyone so im 21 and have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years with my boyfriend (first serious relationship) we are both 21. Before i met this guy i was such a happy out going girl who used to enjoy life and socialising. Then i met thhis guy who at first was so lovely i couldnt believe i had met someone like him. He made me feel like no one else did. I love him more than anything. As the months went on he became very jealous of me having facebook etc. Looking at my phone. Then it gets to the point he made me delete facebook.. then it came to the point were if i wanna go out with friends he would cause a massive row. So it would ruin my night. He would control me tell me to go home. Call me nasty names and threaten hes gonna cheat. All because i wanted to go out with friends (girls) now i am so scared and feel like i need his approval to go anywhere. Then he would ask every little detail like who with? How long? What money? What clothes?.. it got so bad he would ignore me for days on end. I am so afraod that whenever my friends ask me i say no. Cause i cant deal with it from him. So you can imagine how stressed and trapped i felt. Also if me and him go out together he would argue because he accuses me of looking at other men which i am not. So i am so anxious to look in a direction where a man is. He would call me slut and anything you can think off. I would feell so depressed by thos and not enjoy the night. He watches every move i make... now to the panic attacks, this recently started 2 months ago. I think it may be caused by all thw stress ive been through with this guy. I would be out somewhere to the town or even on a bus and it would start. My heart would start going so fast i cpuld feel it pumping all over my body. I feel i cant breathe. I get hot and sweaty and feel im gonna pass out. My head feels like its not there. Its terrifies me that i have to ask someone for help if im alone. I have been to the doctors atleast 8 times since this occured and have put me on medication called librium. This does help me but i have had to go on the sick at work because i cant cope being in a busy enviroment i work as a sales assistant. I feel so depressed and trapped. I dont feel i am the girl i used to be. And i dont have the guts to do whats right cause i love my boyfriend and if i broke up with him i think id go worse . I have panic attacks everyday until i got this medication but i still have them but try to cope with it but now i am off work i cant handle the pressure. Also my boyfriend goes clubbing 3 times a week. Or more and im sat home asleep he will ring and accuse me i am in a night club but im not. I really need help :,(

[AceParadox]

Heya :D,

Let's see. How about we start from how it was before you began dating him. You said you were very happy and outgoing, and now further into the relationship, you aren't happy at all, suffering from panic attacks, on medication for it, under heaps of stress and what not. In my opinion, this relationship is destroying you, and will only do more damage the longer it goes on. He's controlling you, and is paranoid, and those negative emotions/traits tend to be very bad for people like us with Anxiety. I had to distance myself from an old friend of mine after I started getting anxiety, because she would always be so paranoid and panicky, and that would in turn make me panicky, and I couldn't deal with that if I was going to attempt to get better. I don't want you to feel like I'm telling you that breaking up with him is the only way out though. You could try having a sit down and talking it over with him. Let him know you are 100% faithful, that you are feeling down and just need to be with friends, and such. If he goes off the rail, and explodes into 'WHAT??! But I'm here! you don't need friends!", then well... Yeah he might not be the best to keep around if it's stressing you out so bad.

No worries about going worse if you broke up with him, because then you can be with your friends who will be there for you and take you out places and do things like old times. There are more guys out there. You're 21. That's still very young, there are many years ahead to find somebody. :]

The key thing here is, that this guy (though he may not mean to) is destroying you. Paranoia and control is not good for anxiety at all. Not in the least. I hope I don't come off as pushy or anything like that or rude. Just trying to help by voicing my opinion and what not :]

Cheers!

[xmyimmortalx]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah i understand everyone has told me to leave him but i just cant and am afraid. I want him to be the person i fell in love with now hes this person who made me so stressed depressed. I cant talk to him he never understands. He says i dont have panic attacks he says how is it panic attacks if it just happens and not panicing over anything. Today ive had to come home from work and back on the sick. He jasnt once asked if im ok hes out. This is a long distance relationship (hes in the navy). He can do what he wants but i cant. He has paranoid issues. He wants me control me andi cant get out :( he triee to make me jealous by saying girls come up to him etc. But i cant have fb i cant have boys as friends. He has utterly messed my head up..

[dazza]

Dump him... asap

You're going out with a nut-job and he won't change. I guarantee it.
It'll just get worse.

Although you can't see it now, I imagine ALL your anxiety will dissappear once he's out of your life.

Seriously girl - you must get rid.

[AceParadox]

Indeed. It may be the hardest thing in the world, but it looks like it has to be done. Also, if he doesn't understand you at all or try to see things your way, how can that ever work out? Your life will be so much better once he's out. You'll actually be able to get a facebook, and have guys as friends, and likely what Dazza said as well; Your anxiety and such will likely completely disappear. You'll be able to be happy again.

It at first, may be VERY difficult. But just be like the birds, and sing after every storm. Keep your head high as best you can, and the sun will start to shine brighter in your life. But so long as this relationship continues, your life will be rather cloudy and dark. Have hope :] You will find another who's better and more understanding. Who's fun-loving and won't mind you going out with your friends, and when you get back, he might even have prepared a romantic dinner and rented your favorite movie. Greener pastures await.

[lsapphirel]

Please ask yourself, is this how you want to your life to be? Be married and have kids with him? Cut the loss. Leave.

Yeah, i made it sound easy, but ive gone through it, in time to come, he'll start laying hands on you, and even if youre pregnant, he dont care, he'll tear you apart mentally and physically, and when the child is born, he'll abuse you again and again and he will abuse the child too, is this the life you want?

These are just the frame, i havent got into details yet. I was with my ex for 5 years. When i decided to leave, i didnt even cry. There were no more tears. I wasnt sad. I felt relieved. Yes, not all men are the same, he might not do what i just stated. Not yet, you are allowing him control. Like i did, i was terrified of him. It never got better, it got worse, it left a scar, and it brings you nightmares.

This guy doesnt love you, hes addicted to you. And so are you to him, if not youre just scared. Love is not what you and him have at this point.

Hope youre okay. Please look after yourself, you dont have anything to lose, he does.

[dazza]

This sounds like the type of guy who's control will eventually lead to violence.

And let's not have all this "ooooooooh but I still love him" bull-mud. You can't love someone who treats you like shit.

The only way you could love such a guy is if you loved to be controlled, but having developed anxiety disorder from it... clearly you don't love it! lol

[lsapphirel]

And let's not have all this "ooooooooh but I still love him" bull-mud.

The key to leave is to not think, no looking back, no feelings, no explanations, no nothing. Just dont care, dont bother, look at him in the eye and say goodbye and leave. (yes, i know, its too cold and seems super easy, but i was too sick of his explanations and all the pleadings and everything only to find myself trapped again over and over for 5 years).

[trinidiva]

Ultimately, we can give you the advice to leave him, but the choice is yours. Only you can make the choice about what type if life you want to live.

If you want to live a life of someone who has a partner that controls your every move, who your friends are, when you can see them, how to dress, how to act, then continue thid relationship. This is surely what it will lead to, and much worse.
If you want a partner who loves, respects you and treats you as an equal, then leave this relationship now and make yourself open and available to meet that person who is out there.
I will leave you with this. My aunt was in a relationship very similar to her. He started out very sweet and flattering....slowly things began to change,even before they got married. He would get upset if she went to a party or even spent time with her sisters. Our family begged her to leave. She wouldn't, saying that she wanted her kids to have a mother and father together undefined one roof. Well, it turns out that her kids have a father, but no mother anymore. He beat my aunt to death. She was only 39. Please, now I am asking you, please leave. This guy is not healthy for you, and no one deserves to be treated how you are being treated. Just think about it.

[Tshoverton]

Im in the same boat as you girl except I have been with mine for 12 yrs and we have 2 kids together.. It makes it even harder to deal with. Im not allowed to hang out with no friends either but yet they can do as they please. Its made my anxiety worse.

[firefly06]

Leave ASAP! It only will escalate. And being long distance makes it so much easier, please get out before you end up moving in together and he starts with physical abuse! It always starts with controlling and then it escalates, almost always!! I know from experience :/ it will hurt at first but the relief in the end will be worth it and you're friends will be there for you through it, I'm sure they miss you like crazy!!