Hi everyone - does anyone relate to me?

[lottietucker]

Hi all

I'm 40, from the UK and currently suffering from acute anxiety. It is with me all the time, just at different levels of intensity. Mornings are particularly bad - I wake up every morning having a panic attack. I am on the verge of tears a lot of the time. I have lost interest in everything. I take enjoyment in nothing. It's so debilitating that when I can I just curl up on my bed in my bedroom and watch endless repeats of things on my ipad - well I say watch. I'm not really watching them - it is just noise. It has been so bad in the past that I have attempted suicide on more than one occasion.

The anxiety I think is based on being alone. I have no living family, no friends (lost them all due to my condition), no partner (my ex dumped me three years ago) and I can't bare being alone. I can't function on my own. I live on my own with my 6 year old son and my two dogs. I am on benefits because I am classified as being disabled (in receipt of DLA). I am constantly worried about money, getting chucked out of my home (I rent), worried about my benefits being reduced, being alone. I stress about going out anywhere - I'm almost agoraphobic. Just taking my son to school in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon causes me a great deal of anxiety. I stress about everything - emptying the dishwasher, mowing the lawn - even writing this! I hate feeling this way but nothing seems to work. I try distraction techniques but the anxiety forces its way through anything I distract myself with. Deep breathing etc have no effect. I just can't stop the feelings.

I'm under the care of a psychiatrist and am on a cocktail of anti depressants and anxiolytics but they don't seem to work. I'm at my wits end. I can't bare living like this.

I'm sorry if none of this makes much sense. I'm just writing as it comes to my head. Does anyone understand me?

Lottie

[Enduronman]

40, female, morning anxiety (cortisol at highest levels)..hormones are WAY out of wack, deep rooted depressive symptoms related to continually contemplating the "past", which in turn creates the constant worry, then triggers the adrenals to dump even more of an out of balance variation of hormones, you need a friend badly for various reasons and explain this "cocktail" the yer Psych has you on please?

Yes, we all understand you..it all makes sense.

Enduronman. Welcome BTW! :)

[lottietucker]

I'm on mirtazapine, olanzapine, pregabalin, zolpidem and zopiclone. I feel lonely constantly and just can't cope with everyday things on my own. I can do things with someone else - strange I know. I want to get back into a relationship with someone but finding it hard like this. On a dating site though.

[lottietucker]

And btw I've been diagnosed as having recurrent depression, borderline traits and generalised anxiety disorder. Although I am under the care of a psychiatrist my mental health team don't have a psychologist on board ATM so I am not receiving any therapy and can't afford to go private.

[Enduronman]

I can fully understand the sense of "being" now after you disclosed the cocktail of meds. Holy hell! A prehistoric anti-depressant, an atypical antipsychotic, a medication that is used in America for neuropathic pain yet used in Europe for GAD, and (2) sleep aids called ambien and lunesta. OMFG!!! I can tell just by reading your first post that there's a sensible, logical, rational person trapped within you yet this mix of meds is kinda freakin ME out a lil bit..and I don't freak out. How long have you taken these, and especially the mirtazapine and the zopiclone specifically??...

Hell I think I just got dizzy! and I'm 8,000miles away!! LOL!

I'm here to help you figure this out, and I can see why you have NO $'s...

Enduronman..:)

[lottietucker]

Ive been on the zopiclone for nearly 10 years with a recent increased dose to 30mg/day. The mirtazapine Ive been on for 3 months or so having been changed from fluoxetine.

BTW, here in the UK we don't pay for Rx meds if you are on benefits which I am! Phew!

[lottietucker]

Have replied but not showing up!

[lottietucker]

Have sent a reply 4 times but not showing up! Don't know what's wrong. :(

[Enduronman]

Maybe yer Psych deleted it!!...I also would like to add in here that the fact that Dr's in the UK DO NOT prescribe (benzos) that often but then throw everything at a patient including the kitchen sink too seems to be common also! :)

[lottietucker]

Been on mirtazapine for 3 months after coming off Prozac.

[lottietucker]

Zopiclone: 10 years. Recently been upped to 30mg/day

[lottietucker]

Btw don't pay for drugs in UK cos I'm on benefits.

[Enduronman]

Ok..obviously the Remeron isn't doing as it is supposed to do after 3 months then. If I may ask, why wean off of Prozac?.. Did you experience increased anxietal symptoms with it as well as this mirtazapine? How long taking zopiclone (Lunesta)?... Tryin to figure this out as the AD yer on causes insomnia, which tells me in also probably causes heightened anxiety, which tells me why yer quack Psych would prescribe you (2) sleeping aid type meds...OMGAWD!!! :)

[Enduronman]

Zopiclone for 10 years!! OMGAWD!!! ..uhhhhh....uhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'M THINKING!!! :/

[lottietucker]

Was taken off Prozac cos it wasn't working.

[lottietucker]

And yes I experienced anxiety with Prozac too.

[Enduronman]

Yer Psych is Psycho! 10 years of (zopiclone) which has caused a continual state of amnesia like depression. Then they throw AD's at you which exacerbates and aggravates yer anxiety. Then they throw an atypical antipsychotic at you because you don't know which way is up or down. Then throw in some supposed anti-anxiety med (pregabalin) which is only used for neuropathy over here...I think you need a new and real Doctor!!.. IMHO!!

E-Man..:)

[Enduronman]

I'm just being honest here..to help you, not harm or freak you out. It SEEMS as if yer Psych or Dr. or whoever has created this "Frankensteinishness" with this screwed up mess of a medicinal hodge podge disarray of chemicals bubbleing in the vials and lightning like sparks and humming sounds!.. I can now "see" how you feel, honestly..

[lottietucker]

Well guys I'm totally confused now. I'm scared to come off my drugs. When I was taken off fluoxetine in preparation for going onto mirtazapine it dropped me so low I took 40 paracetamol in an attempt to end my life. I have to admit to overdosing quite a bit when I'm stressed. I know I need talking therapy but my mental health team can't provide that as they don't have a psychologist at the moment.

I've women up this morning with my usual morning panic. I'm just so fed up with my current situation. Not just the anxiety and depression and all that comes with that but other aspects of my life too. And it is those aspects I worry about the most. Just don't know what to do.

[lottietucker]

I am anxious about my current situation. Not much money, fear about benefits being reduced, fear about having to leave this house and how I would move on my own and find a place that accepts pets. I can't cope on my own very well. I feel overwhelmed. I get very anxious about going out of the house and social situations. I've never really worked. always been the housewife in previous relationships. I wouldn't be able to find a job that pays more than benefits - a common occurrence here in the UK I understand.

I hate being on my own. I need someone to share responsibility with. I am so scared of everything. I don't think it's the drugs that are making me anxious but it is the anxiety that makes me overdose on occasions. Sometimes I OD just to escape the mental anguish. Twice I have made a serious attempt to end my life.

I am at my wits end. I feel trapped and lonely. I cry nearly everyday and feel like it most of the time. Just can't cope with this anymore.

[lottietucker]

Btw my psych is using zopiclone like I would expect a benzodiazepine to be used. I'm taking them when I get really anxious up to four a day. I have to admit sometimes I need more than four and I buy them off the Internet to make up the difference. They do work temporarily. But the anxiety comes back when they wear off.

[jhunter89]

I hate being on my own too. I'm not really close to anyone in my family, except my mum and were not really that close. I have a partner but only one friend and I don't even like him that much. I'm very afraid of ending up alone one day, I dont see much point in living just for me? It's quite sad really. You gotta pull yourself out of this, if not for you then for your son, he's entirely dependent on you and must be so horrible for him to see his mummy this way x