Anxiety hurting home life; big fight with husband, now very depressed

[littlelightning]

My husband and I are no longer in love... He says I worry too much and it makes him not want to do things for us... Our house is in shambles. Only one of 3 bathrooms work and it is so bad the tiles will fall off the wall when I clean it. He can't keep a job and he wants a get rich quick scheme instead of working hard intellectually.

When we met in college, he wasn't this way. Then his dad killed himself and it went down hill.

I want to get back to where we were before and I have asked how I fix this. But, he won't answer me.

Last night I was upset and yelled at him. He started pushing me and tried to grab my hands and arms and hurt me when I put my hands up to defend my head and face. He did this to me while holding our 3 year old son. I asked him to stop and to stop teaching our son to mean his mom-my son hits and slaps me when I try to get him to do something he doesn't want to.

My husband can't see how what he is doing is so wrong. We need a provider and need a loving husband to hug me and me when my anxiety runs high, instead of hurting me and calling me names.

How do I deal with this????

[alankay]

Well I think he might be frustrated and depressed. I would come out and ask him if he's feeling low compared to the past and mention he might need help if he cannot comeout of his funk alone. It's a tough one for sure. Alankay

[Buttercup]

It sounds like he did not deal with the grief off his father dying. Having a parent die is horrific and in such awful circumstances will leave him with so many unanswered questions. It likely changed his whole view on life and not for the better. Did he get any counselling at the time his father died? It might be an idea to seek professional help for the both of you so you can get through this and move on to happier times.

[littlelightning]

I think we both need therapy. For him, for me, for the both of us. If someone is so angry at you, how do you talk about therapy?

[littlelightning]

It sounds like he did not deal with the grief off his father dying. Having a parent die is horrific and in such awful circumstances will leave him with so many unanswered questions. It likely changed his whole view on life and not for the better. Did he get any counselling at the time his father died? It might be an idea to seek professional help for the both of you so you can get through this and move on to happier times.

Neither one of us got therapy. We were in college and all I could think about was keeping both of us in school. The school never offered us counseling to think of it. You hear that all the time now???

[Buttercup]

It's a really sad situation you are in. But remember that once there were better times, you were happy and in love. You can get back to that but it will take hard work on both sides. As you say though, how do you talk to someone when they are in such a bad place? Maybe try and talk to him about it when he is calm?

[littlelightning]

It's a really sad situation you are in. But remember that once there were better times, you were happy and in love. You can get back to that but it will take hard work on both sides. As you say though, how do you talk to someone when they are in such a bad place? Maybe try and talk to him about it when he is calm?

Thanks. I think I need to know what I am going to say so I don't provoke him to get enraged. I have been struggling with that a lot here lately.

[Enduronman]

My answer to your question? Get the hell out of there with your son now. Go to a relatives house whether closeby or far matters not, just get out before you're unable to call, type, ask for help on your own. Once you are away, apart, safe, then you along with help from others whether that be here or in other forms from other people..you can begin to formulate a real solid plan of action and this is not an easy problem to address.

1. Get out, with your children to a safehouse.
2. Then, update us and also make him aware that what you've done is for YOUR AND YOUR CHILDRENS SAFETY!
3. If he should attempt to bother, harass, communicate, or approach you from that point after you said not too..THEN CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY PLEASE.
4. You're going to make it through this, so are your children,..we are not worried about him at this moment in time and will deal with the whole big picture once the dust settles..including him and this familys issues..

Thats my answer.

Enduronman.

[FedUp]

You need to leave him! I was in an abusive relationship for 10 yrs! When my child became in the middle of it one day, I opened my eyes. They do not change!!! Please leave him now

[Enduronman]

Hey FedUp,

Please PM this member in need and give her some advice, guidance, support, and convince her to do as you just typed NOW.

Thank you..

Enduronman.

[FedUp]

Endoronman: Done. :)

[Sedigive]

I agree. If he is abusive, leave. Your son is already picking up on his behavior and will interact like that with anyone he gets into a relationship with. Your leaving may be a wakeup call for him. It was for my Dad. I have personal experience. My Father was an alcoholic and would get abusive in that state. My Mother left him with us in tow and it caused him to take action. He got help and my family was put back together. They were together until her death 30 years later. He has never touched a drop since then.

[so_over_it]

I think, at minimum, you should seperate and get yourself and child out of the situation.

He needs to deal with the death without hurting the ppl he loves. I wouldn't consider divorce quite yet, I think he needs to pull his head out of rear and seek help. A trial seperation would benefit both of you.

If you are no longer in love then you might be able to figure out if there is any love there. Even a little love can re ignite a spark. Abuse should never be tolerated and I'm sure that if he loves you that he'll promise you the moon in order to keep you. He will continue to hurt you if you stay with him, period. If you still love him after some time away then he needs to choose whether or not he is willing to go to therapy, on his own or risk losing both of you.

[aforce]

make out list of things which your husband dont like of you and your list which you dont like abt him...sit and make list and clear it up ...agree on some common things ....

[trinidiva]

I think you need to talk to him when things,are calm. Remind him of how good things used to be, and ask him if he wants to get back to that point. It's going to take work. You have to let him know that you understand that he's hurting and frustrated, but he can't keep putting his hands on you, its not healthy. Ask him if he is willing to do the with to change. If he says yes, then suggest that you both go and see a counselor....him to talk about his feelings making him depressed and for you to discuss your anxiety. If he isn't willing to do that, you honestly need to start thinking about moving on. You can't make someone see something they do not want to see.