psychosomatic
03-18-2007, 08:34 AM
I'm posting this in the hopes that there is someone out there who took the strange approach to life that I took, and has experienced symptoms similar to what I feel now. At the very least, it will serve as a warning to those who think they can perfect their character; it is a good idea, but the rampant anxiety that arises destroys you. I am currently 19.
First I'll just provide a little background. When I was in early elementary school, I was very shy. As i grew older, I made friends, except they weren't the kinds of people I enjoyed to have in my company. They always talked about games and boring or immature subjects. The other "cooler" kids (i suppose) were interested in fun things, interesting things. And so I wanted to be with them...except everytime i tried, i would freeze or have an anxiety attack. Unfortunately, I think i took it the wrong way and concluded that I had to change my character. I started to experiment with my mind by altering my mental states (ie. infusing myself with a happy feeling, copying another person's way of speaking, constantly stimulating a certain cortex in the brain...different ways of changing my personality by acting different. Artificial acting would then, theoretically, become my new personality over time). I tried this for the four years of high school, but the experiments were failures, even though I had temporary successes (but that's all they were, temporary). My social anxieties grew, extreme depression set in around grade 11...got better in my final year, but essentially I couldn't really talk to anybody and I was facing the failure of what i thought were workable, ingenious plans
So now i'm in university. 1st year i decided i would try "naturalism" and be myself. I had at most two friends this way, i was anxious or apprehensive about talking to anyone else, no matter how hard i tried (i suppose a repeat of elementary school, except the friends I had were actually cool and interesting!). But the limited friendships again drove me to change...that's when i realized I had a SECOND natural state! There was a more "witty" version of me in my subconscious that I could activate by thinking in a certain way (i suppose this is a resurfacing of my artificial mentality from high school). This is what I used in second year, the year i'm currently in, which is currently ending.
I liked this state better than my natural state...it felt more interesting. Anxiety still persisted, but I found a small group - with enough effort, I actually managed to have fun and socialize with more people. But the negative affects of anxiety still strained me, forced me to avoid parties that i SHOULD have gone to, but i knew i would have been inept in that social situation. After increasing anxiety and trauma about my hopeless situation, what did i do?
I meditated. I cleared my mind of all negative thoughts, feelings, connections - and then, after, i felt calm for the first time in my life, and could talk to people without anxiety. But the problem was, my personality had changed. I became a dull, boring..almost emotionless person that couldn't have fun with his old friends anymore. I hated who i had become, tried to find my original self..but that was difficult with such pervasive effects...meditative bliss comes back automatically in the mind. I think that whenever i am feeling anxious, my mind just goes back into this shell of protection. So 1 and 1/2 weeks after this incident (present day), I am seeing a therapist and i feel like the symptoms have worn off...but i still have trouble being myself. Even if i did, would my anxieties ever subside once i do become myself?
My drive for perfection and constant worry about reaching this "perfect" state in time to still have fun seems to have ruined me, except i needed it to avoid being so boring. I think the truth is that I wasn't ever boring, i just needed to let my personality develop. Communicating with friends at school certainly wasn't artificial, it must have been natural..a part of my younger self that i need to release - if only it could happen now. So now i almost feel completely ineffective in communication, but i'm trying real hard to let my thoughts out so i could have fun like i used to...defeat the meditative and anxiety affects with this one mentality.
I feel like i've become a psychologist over time...but at least i'm still hopeful that things will still work out. After all, my natural state is always in me, but its always being distorted by anxiety or the dull, meditative feeling (which actually makes you sleepy sometimes). Anyways - If anyone has any suggestions or has been in a similar situation, I'll definately appreciate your help! But i suppose therapy is the best solution...meditation definately isn't.
First I'll just provide a little background. When I was in early elementary school, I was very shy. As i grew older, I made friends, except they weren't the kinds of people I enjoyed to have in my company. They always talked about games and boring or immature subjects. The other "cooler" kids (i suppose) were interested in fun things, interesting things. And so I wanted to be with them...except everytime i tried, i would freeze or have an anxiety attack. Unfortunately, I think i took it the wrong way and concluded that I had to change my character. I started to experiment with my mind by altering my mental states (ie. infusing myself with a happy feeling, copying another person's way of speaking, constantly stimulating a certain cortex in the brain...different ways of changing my personality by acting different. Artificial acting would then, theoretically, become my new personality over time). I tried this for the four years of high school, but the experiments were failures, even though I had temporary successes (but that's all they were, temporary). My social anxieties grew, extreme depression set in around grade 11...got better in my final year, but essentially I couldn't really talk to anybody and I was facing the failure of what i thought were workable, ingenious plans
So now i'm in university. 1st year i decided i would try "naturalism" and be myself. I had at most two friends this way, i was anxious or apprehensive about talking to anyone else, no matter how hard i tried (i suppose a repeat of elementary school, except the friends I had were actually cool and interesting!). But the limited friendships again drove me to change...that's when i realized I had a SECOND natural state! There was a more "witty" version of me in my subconscious that I could activate by thinking in a certain way (i suppose this is a resurfacing of my artificial mentality from high school). This is what I used in second year, the year i'm currently in, which is currently ending.
I liked this state better than my natural state...it felt more interesting. Anxiety still persisted, but I found a small group - with enough effort, I actually managed to have fun and socialize with more people. But the negative affects of anxiety still strained me, forced me to avoid parties that i SHOULD have gone to, but i knew i would have been inept in that social situation. After increasing anxiety and trauma about my hopeless situation, what did i do?
I meditated. I cleared my mind of all negative thoughts, feelings, connections - and then, after, i felt calm for the first time in my life, and could talk to people without anxiety. But the problem was, my personality had changed. I became a dull, boring..almost emotionless person that couldn't have fun with his old friends anymore. I hated who i had become, tried to find my original self..but that was difficult with such pervasive effects...meditative bliss comes back automatically in the mind. I think that whenever i am feeling anxious, my mind just goes back into this shell of protection. So 1 and 1/2 weeks after this incident (present day), I am seeing a therapist and i feel like the symptoms have worn off...but i still have trouble being myself. Even if i did, would my anxieties ever subside once i do become myself?
My drive for perfection and constant worry about reaching this "perfect" state in time to still have fun seems to have ruined me, except i needed it to avoid being so boring. I think the truth is that I wasn't ever boring, i just needed to let my personality develop. Communicating with friends at school certainly wasn't artificial, it must have been natural..a part of my younger self that i need to release - if only it could happen now. So now i almost feel completely ineffective in communication, but i'm trying real hard to let my thoughts out so i could have fun like i used to...defeat the meditative and anxiety affects with this one mentality.
I feel like i've become a psychologist over time...but at least i'm still hopeful that things will still work out. After all, my natural state is always in me, but its always being distorted by anxiety or the dull, meditative feeling (which actually makes you sleepy sometimes). Anyways - If anyone has any suggestions or has been in a similar situation, I'll definately appreciate your help! But i suppose therapy is the best solution...meditation definately isn't.