Enduronman
09-04-2012, 08:26 PM
Hey all,
I do believe that it is therapuetic to be able to sit down here and just punchout some words sometimes to help relieve abit of internal stresses and tension. I appreciate all of you that take the time to offer me up some opinions and support too as I do my very best to assist any of you, in any way possible. I've gotta get this jumbled f**kin mess of thoughts outta my head, and now because I am not going to try to figure this one out as it already has been. It just took 6 wasted f**kin years to learn it for myself. I always thought there was something that wasnt quite right, but I chose not to allow it to affect me or the relationship that we once had either. I tried to just accept her, the way she was for the most part but many times I would get so infuriated I would voice my opinions about her after "reading" her behaviors, actions, words, moods..I would put it all together, and say "this is yer f**kin problem that will not stop happening because you allow it to keep happening, over, and over, and over again". The same as how she speaks and had conversations with me as she would repeat the same sentence or words over, and over, and over again. Hell I would count the times, and tell her 19, 20,21,22,23..and so wtf is yer point and what are you looking for or seeking to find?..Literally just like a dog that chases his own f**kin tail but not just once or twice because he realizes he can't ever catch it,..but every f**kin single day, around and around. Dizzy beyond belief.
Ok, here's my point. It took me 6 years of being with a woman that went to school till she was nearly 30 yrs old, has degrees of all sorts, certificates, credentials, plaques, awards, a politician, holds the highest seat in this county, for over 20 years, highly educated, extremely knowledgeable, highly intellectual, high performer, to finally realize today..that she is semi-retarded. Yes, I'm being serious. This semi-retardation of hers has literally ripped my insides apart by her inability to perceive things "in the real world". I would always say, "This isn't unicorn, fairy, butterfly land with pots of gold at the end of rainbows"..On this day, I pay for her flawed genetics, and the fact she was deprived of oxygen at birth and the Dr. that delivered her told her parents that she was going to be retarded. Well, he was right..she is and she's 50 years old too.
Basically, she had no idea that the actions, goals she was trying to obtain, dreams she had, aspirations of things she wanted..would literally stomp on me and my heart as hard as it did. I told her everything that she was doing, and what she had said and done in this past month..made no sense whatsoever and here's why. Her reply, "I had no idea that this would happen and cause you to feel the way you now do, but now I can see why you feel this way..I never looked at it like that and it seems pretty harsh too."...Ya think..
We live, we learn, she is now gone for good. There is no turning back, because it is how she is, and it is how she will always be..You can not alter genetics, it is how she is wired, how she is programmed, how she functions as herself.
I wish her the very best, at whatever that may even be from one minute to the next minute...
Best wishes,
Enduronman.
I do believe that it is therapuetic to be able to sit down here and just punchout some words sometimes to help relieve abit of internal stresses and tension. I appreciate all of you that take the time to offer me up some opinions and support too as I do my very best to assist any of you, in any way possible. I've gotta get this jumbled f**kin mess of thoughts outta my head, and now because I am not going to try to figure this one out as it already has been. It just took 6 wasted f**kin years to learn it for myself. I always thought there was something that wasnt quite right, but I chose not to allow it to affect me or the relationship that we once had either. I tried to just accept her, the way she was for the most part but many times I would get so infuriated I would voice my opinions about her after "reading" her behaviors, actions, words, moods..I would put it all together, and say "this is yer f**kin problem that will not stop happening because you allow it to keep happening, over, and over, and over again". The same as how she speaks and had conversations with me as she would repeat the same sentence or words over, and over, and over again. Hell I would count the times, and tell her 19, 20,21,22,23..and so wtf is yer point and what are you looking for or seeking to find?..Literally just like a dog that chases his own f**kin tail but not just once or twice because he realizes he can't ever catch it,..but every f**kin single day, around and around. Dizzy beyond belief.
Ok, here's my point. It took me 6 years of being with a woman that went to school till she was nearly 30 yrs old, has degrees of all sorts, certificates, credentials, plaques, awards, a politician, holds the highest seat in this county, for over 20 years, highly educated, extremely knowledgeable, highly intellectual, high performer, to finally realize today..that she is semi-retarded. Yes, I'm being serious. This semi-retardation of hers has literally ripped my insides apart by her inability to perceive things "in the real world". I would always say, "This isn't unicorn, fairy, butterfly land with pots of gold at the end of rainbows"..On this day, I pay for her flawed genetics, and the fact she was deprived of oxygen at birth and the Dr. that delivered her told her parents that she was going to be retarded. Well, he was right..she is and she's 50 years old too.
Basically, she had no idea that the actions, goals she was trying to obtain, dreams she had, aspirations of things she wanted..would literally stomp on me and my heart as hard as it did. I told her everything that she was doing, and what she had said and done in this past month..made no sense whatsoever and here's why. Her reply, "I had no idea that this would happen and cause you to feel the way you now do, but now I can see why you feel this way..I never looked at it like that and it seems pretty harsh too."...Ya think..
We live, we learn, she is now gone for good. There is no turning back, because it is how she is, and it is how she will always be..You can not alter genetics, it is how she is wired, how she is programmed, how she functions as herself.
I wish her the very best, at whatever that may even be from one minute to the next minute...
Best wishes,
Enduronman.