Hi there!! (^.^)

[lulaboo]

First of all my name is lulaboo or Heather and I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for having a site to come to and discuss the big problem in my life with others who know what I'm going through.
BIG HUGS to Bridgie because she's the one who gave me the link here :D

I have to admit I am EXTREMELY shy and not very good at making introductions for myself, even on a message board where I have all the time in the world to think of something to say. LOL I never can seem to do more than draw a blank and stare at my 'puter screen and go uhhhh...

I'm not really sure when it all began but last October I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder when a panic attack resulted in my going to the hospital emergency room. Since then It's been a day by day struggle for me to put my life back together again and it's a struggle I'm determined to win. :D

I should be able to say a bit more about myself tomorrow after a night of sleep (insomnia sufferer too ) I just wanted to say thanks once again for being here and letting me join. :D

[shoe]

welcome to the site heather =)

I'm totally shy myself, and I always cringe when I have to introduce myself to others. On the internet its not so bad cuz I can take all the time I want to think it through and can backspace and erase and edit my message again and again before finally clicking 'submit' (which happens more than I care to admit :P)

Just curious, you didnt say exactly what type of anxiety disorder you were diagnosed with - is it social anxiety? (only a guess because you said you are extremely shy). Anyway, I hope this place is helpful to you :)

[Bridgie]

Welcome Boo! I'm so glad you made your way here! This seems like a great place for all of us to help each other! :lol:

[lulaboo]

Thanks for the welcomes and I know exactly what you mean with thinking it all through and editing a message over and over again shoe. lol I have to admit it amazes me how some folks can practically write books in record time for posts and it seems to take me a good hour on occasions just to get a paragraph out when it comes to posting about myself :D
And Once again big hugs to Bridgie because this link came at a time when I needed it!!

To be honest I'm not really sure which disorder I have. I do know that I have a social anxiety but to what degree I'm not certain because initially I had been waaaaaay misdiagnosed when I began to realize that I had a real problem. So a little backtracking and background is in order.
I'm 31 years old (be 32 in September who knew I'd have made it this long WOO HOO!! :D ) For most of my life I've been extremely shy which had alot to do with the fact my family had to move around alot as I was growing up. A little insight into that was I had been to at least ten different elementary schools in four different states before I reached the seventh grade.
You'd think that would make one a little more outgoing like in the cases of my younger sister and brother but because I was the oldest of the three I was the one responsible for their care because my dad had a full time job which kept him on the road alot and my mom had to work a few part time jobs at one time just to make sure the bills were paid. So in essence it was having more responsibilities and knowing more about the world and adults and their problems than any kid rightly should by the time I was thirteen I was honestly too busy to have any social interactions with the kids my age.
When I was fourteen however and saying I knew about adults and their problems...I was fully aware about why my family decided to move to a small town where my aunt lived because I knew what filing for bankruptcy was and what an affair was who was doing it and why without ever having to be told, plus one of my major concerns before had been helping to take care of my mom and dealing with her problems with alcoholism which put her into the hospital more times than necessary as that was the time before depression was known as a legitimate medical condition as opposed to a dirty word people could use as an excuse to not cheer up. It really upsets me to know that many felt that way about this sort of thing back then but times have changed and for the better in regards to help.
So as I was saying by the time I was fourteen things did get alot better for the family with the change of scenery (Mostly lived in the larger cities so it was pretty nice to live in a smaller town where the lifestyle was a bit more laid back) My dad was able to get a job with his company where he could be home on a nightly basis but he had to drive more than an hour each way to get to or from work so he was home pretty late. My mom had been going to counseling alongside getting a job in town where I'd walk her home from work. So despite the fact I had a little more freetime on my hands to be a kid (At least enough to make some friends my own age for once) I had 'good' excuse to avoid too many social interactions with kids my age aside from going to school because I was taking care of the kids plus we had moved into a house with a good plot of land and got back into the hobby as a family of breeding/showing dogs. The dog show aspect basically ate up my weekends and even though I had to be alot more sociable when it came to being at those functions, it was bacause the focus and conversation was more about the dogs than anything else, I was able to be more sociable beacuse I was just the presenter of the real item of interest. lol
When I was 17 my moms medical bills were paid off, my dad was making alot more money with his job and they both decided my mom would be able to stay at home full time and work more at the kennel. By then I had goitten a feel of making money and decided to go to work with my dad part time in the summer which resulted in my making a career in the same company for the 11 years to follow.
In spite of the fact I had to be alot more sociable when it came to working retail (I started out in Spencer Gifts as a part time associate and ended up baing manager of not one but two chain stores by the time I left the company) It was because I took on alot more 'behind the scenes' tasks with merchandise setups, store remodel/relocations, paperwork as well as in company security tasks that I was great at my job. Unfortunately being so good had it's price because I was sent to alot of different stores until I got the opportunity to manage my own leaving absolutely no time for a social life of my own due to all the travel I had to do. So I had that much of an excuse to make very few friends outside of the company.
It wasn't until almost eight years ago that I had more time for a social life when I got to manage a temporary/seasonal Halloween shop which was very close to where I lived. It's also where I met the man who eventually became my ex-husband. I initially hired him on as a part timer because he was tall enough to reach things without a ladder (lol!!) we became friends and the relationship seemed to 'blow up' from there. unfortunately having more of a 'work life' than anything else in the years before any personal social interactions I had were involved with co-workers whom I had known for years so when it came to having out of work friends I heavily relied on my then boyfriend to be my spokesman for introductions. In as much as I made some really great friends that way I hate to say I was naieve but I really didnt want to think there were people in the world who were more interested in making themselves feel better about themselves instead of making their partners feel good about themselves also but that's the sort of person I ended up with and I let him use the excuse of having a rough life before he met me to let him get away with too much. Unfortunately I had enough common sense to realize from the start that the relationship wasn't going to work out but considering I was always the type of person people could go to when they had problems, I wanted to prove to him I cared and wasn't the sort of person who would leave him unfortunately that backfired and ended up doing worse to me in the long run. To start out with I resorted to 'cutting' in an effort to punish myself because I decided it wasnt worth arguing about who was at fault for any problems in the relationship we had. It was all my fault and my job was getting in the way of everything...When a point in time came that my district manager took me aside and had a talk to me about the changes in my personality as well as what he saw that i was doing to myself physically (This man I had known since I was little because my dad worked for Spencers ever since I was five, so he of all people I knew would be able to have any say so about any changes they'd honestly notice about me)
Instead of taking his sage advice and getting help for myself at that time, I opted to leave the company because it was easier to use the excuse of all work and no play makes Heather a bad fiancee (lol) Anyway, there was only so much I could take of that and when i finally addressed the issue of cutting myself to punish me for thinking about getting angry with my fiancee. I said no more it was time for him to grow up and start taking some responsibility for the problems we then had. Unfortunately by then I had a new crutch in the way of alcoholism which eventually turned into a drug addiction.
Luckily (?) it wasn't illegal ephedrine but because of that reasoning I was dumb enough to justify it's use. By the time I woke up and realized I had a severe problem I was taking around fifty pills a day and what really hurt was why I was taking them. It was the only way I could convince myself that I was happy enough to stay with my husband. That only dawned on me last year in April after a huge fight we had I was trying to walk away from it and he provoked me with threats. Being a bit bigger than me I can understand why he thought he was able to intimidate me into taking the blame again but by then I had it and unfortunately it ended in me becoming violent just to get away from him for five minutes. It was because I felt nothing for kicking a steel door in on him that I had to sit down and have a long talk with myself and realized alot of what was going on. It was the second time I said I wanted a divorce but because there was a 'legitimate' reason to blame and it was all my problem I let him talk me out of that decision.
But because it would be more embarassing for him to be married to anyone with that sort of problem I also let him talk me out of going to any rehab programs for help. I was back on the pills until my overdosing caught up with me in June of last year. After I was out of the hospital somehow i managed to find the strength i needed to kick the habit I had but having my family and friends as a support group was probably the big help for me and I've been clean of that crap since August of last year.
It didnt really dawn on me that i had developed a terror for taking any form of medication until October of last year.
It was early September that i recall having a headache from a nicotine withdrawl (figured I'd give up smoking while I was at it) and took some aspirin when the attack hit me. At first I thought it was a heart attack but something didnt feel right about that explanation. So I got online and looked up heart conditions in Webmd and somehow found my way to a link on anxiety and realized in part what I was going through was a panic attack.
Not knowing what the trigger was however I just associated it with a nicotine fit and followed the suggestions for at home care on dealing with the episode and for a few weeks it worked until i had to go grocery shopping all by myself
LOL for 12 hours I was a wreck, Idid manage to get my shopping done but by the time my husband came home he found me in the corner of our bedroom and I wasnt coming out unless he promised to take me to the hospital because I knew something was really wrong with me. Unfortunately I had it in my head that if I personally said anything about it, I was going to die right on the spot so my husband did all the talking for me and I was prescribed Wellbutrin to help with my nicotine fits. That was September 24th of last year.
LOL didnt do much to help with my panic attacks considering that was a side affect of the drug until I got used to it.
Within 2 weeks I was back at the hospital because I finally made a connection (during a severe panic attack) with a cause because I noticed more panic attacks happening just before I would have to take my medicine which was twice a day. I was able to tell one of the doctors the real problem and he decided I should talk to one of the staff councillors who was still there.
Really funny arguement ensued between the Councillor and my husband he decided he should do the talking for me when I began to talk about having panic attacks because i was taking medicine. He decided to tell her my problem was just nicotine fits and all I needed to do was cheer up. She let him know a few facts about what I was really going through and the last thing I needed to do was cheer up when my problem was calming down so I could take the medicine I needed. I was then prescribed lexapro as well as ativan to help get me through any attacks I had but because taking medication was a problem for me she also advised that I see a therapist to help resolve that issue. A few weeks later when I finally managed to convince my husband we'll be getting councilling or else we were referred to a wonderful man who was able to give me a few tips on how to beat the milder attacks as well as convince my husband that i really did need a personal councillor for the other problems i had because I couldn't talk about them when my husband was around.
It was in March of this year that I realized some of my panic attacks were actually triggered by my husband because I had to rely on him so much for any courage.
Needless to say he wanted to blame alot of other things being my fault for my new found courage without him and as scary as it was I told him that was it and I meant it that time. Wasn't all that difficult as I thought it would be but then again, I was in councilling and on medication. That ran out when I moved away to be with family to think a little more about what I really wanted to do about my marriage as well as help my aunt take care of my grandma who has alzheimers. I decided to end it after my husband paid a few visits afterwards to check up on me bacause i just couldn't calm down when he was around. When he was gone even if I wasn't on the meds I was fine but when he came by I was a nervous wreck. I was actually doing fine over the last few months until I started getting up the courage to get my life back on track. Now all of a sudden I can't even screw up enough courage to ask for a job application, let alone go out the door to try and find a job.
I used to be able to do this all this stuff and I have to laugh at myself when I think about how stir crazy I'm getting because I want to get out and feel like I'm doing something for myself again but at the same time I'm only courageous enough to walk down to the gas station and buy a pop when I really mean to go down there and ask for a job app.
It's been so frustrating for me that I've been suffering insomnia again and getting major stress headaches and I freak out when I take so much as an aspirin or a sleep aid to deal with those but the good news is I have fought the urge to have my aunt take me to the hospital when I have a real bad panic attack and last week I did talk to my dad about going to his doctor to see about getting on a prescription thats better suited for what I need and I'll probably have to go back into therapy again. but it's just getting to that point Good Grief I need my teddybear :lol:

[Bridgie]

{{{{{{{Boo}}}}}}} I am sorry you are going through all of this! Your anxiety has been brought about by real life situations and people, and I hope you find a way to cope with it. If it's any consolation, I think you are one of the most outgoing people I have met on the net! I know how it is to want to be around people, but just can't summon the courage! Well, hopefully here we will all find the answers!

Love you Boo!
Glad to have you here!

[shoe]

lulaboo,

wow, thats been a rough ride you've been on! I'm glad you are rid of the man that has caused you so much grief as well as the alcohol, smoking, and drugs.. Boy, I can see how all that mess could cause you to be where you are at now!

It sounds like you are a very strong woman though, and I'm sure you can overcome these problems. It might take a little time and effort but you sure are capable of it =)

[Quinn]

Just curious, do you have anxiety attacks when you feel forced to rely on someone in one way or another?

[lulaboo]

Thanks Bridgie and Shoe it's definitely been one heck of an experience and one I've always did my best to find something positive to come out of it all. And that was finding out all over again that deep down I'm a wonderful gal and someone else is missing out on that. Unfortunately as much as I'd like for it to even having a positive way to look back on what happened doesn't solve the problem, but it's a good start and step in the right direction because it's helped to get me through some of my depressed moods :D


That's a very interesting question Quinn, I'd have to say yes and no.
Yes because ever since I was very young and up until last year before the first time I was hospitalized, I was always the person everyone else could go to for help and support so I basically escaped being in that situation by making sure everyone else could rely on me. Now that I'm thinking back I realize I was too afraid to think about the fact that I would or could need to rely on anyone for any reason.

And No because of the same reason that I was always the person everyone knew to go to. It's been more of the reason why I've been having so many depressed moods. I was always able to help everyone out and now it's me that needs the help and I'm confused as all get out on what to do. :oops: