Im very new here, but i would love some feedback.

[layne]

Hello all. I'm a 24 year old lady, I've had undiagnosed anxiety centered tendencies since I was an early teen, it left me incredibly shy, unsure and nervous. I hated high school and felt nothing but relief to be leaving.
After I left high school I went to college, and I got a boyfriend, friends who were abit more like me, and whilst the feelings never wet away, they did lesson to the point where they were easy dealt with.

But over the last year or two, the anxiety very slowly, but very surely has gotten worse, way worse, panic attack everyday at work worse.

Now Im writing here because I desperately need words of wisdom from those who have suffered, are suffering, or knows someone who has, my anxiety seems to be dictated predominantly by one particular person...my boss.

Please don't judge me for the situation I'm about to lay out, I'm aware it's wrong, I'm aware of all moral implications, I'm aware it makes me look like a tart, but I can assure you, I didn't mean for any of it.

My boss has been working with me for about a year now, he has a seven year relationship, its a small sales team so when working there's usually only two staff on at a time. I started to notice that he was putting me on with him alot, and I'm spending alot of time with him, I started to feel attracted. He told me he had feelings, I told him no, he's a boss, and another's.

My anxiety saw it fit from that point on to step in and take it from there, I've never had a panic attack or an anxiety attack in my life until this point, it was like he'd flicked on the switch, as that was it, ever since that day I get so sick and I dread the thought of Woking with him, even though I like him, he deals with my attacks really well, which endears me to him, yet he is the source for them. Which I cannot ignore. I thought with a bit of exposure to him (I have no choice but to work with him) might settle and prove to my anxiety that there is no need, but I had a week off coming up, and he seized the moment and kissed me, I kissed him back.

I felt so weird afterwards. It was like a step forward (I have intimacy issues too) and two giant ones back.

Now my anxiety is back in black and I don't know what to do, I'm sorry this has been such a long post, I must of needed to talk about it more than I thought.
Any feedback is massively appreciated, but please no karma or slut comments, I'm here because I need help with the reasons I'm feeling so awful.

Thankyou in advance x

[layne]

I forgot to add, since 6 months ago I was officially diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder.

[Enduronman]

I believe that I have told many of our members here that I have been through everything I had ever seen anyone type on this screen so that's why I can relate, and yet today another "issue" that I have also been through myself and lived through myself suddenly pops up..kinda weird but I think I can help to shed some light on this issue too. It has nothing to do with slutty karma comments either, it is human nature and none of us are perfect and nor do any of us always make the logical or rational decisions at any given moment so that's why we're called human.

I too had an experience kinda like this in 2005. My best friends wife and I were very close as I was with my friend as well. I saw them both every single day. It got to a point whereas I realized that I was truly unhappy in my marriage of 13 years but the unhappyness started the day we were married as I remember the comments that my then wife made about my Mother and Grandmother. I knew from that day forward, oh boy..here we go. I already had a 3 yr old little girl with her, and 2 more children followed. Anyway, in Feb of 05 my best friends wife made a comment that was painted on my memory "I've got a problem and I think you know what it is"?..From that point forward, my marriage unfolded and so do hers too. Yes, it was a time of extremely high anxiety also and looking back on it I know why?..I could not perceive what was right, wrong, or real. It was just a complete disarray of s**t and a trainwreck that I could not pinpoint. Much of it was caused by what my brain perceived as (guilt). Although its 7 years later, I can see and did earlier on that my marriage was BS anyway and I was not happy and nor was my wife at that time and nor were the other couple either. I am WAY better off now not listening to my X wifes crazy crap and idiotic behavioral issues. So, after a 9 month long divorce and a 14 month long custody battle..here I stand.

So, that being said. Here is the thing thats eating you alive inside. You're wondering yourself what is right, and what is wrong? You also feel some sense of guilt, betrayal, or mistrust in regards to the fellas GF or spouse and wonder if she should know or be told? It is these thoughts that are causing and feeding the high anxiety..

Here's what you've gotta do to figure this out, to remove the neg thoughts that are obviously tearing you apart inside just like they did to me.
1. You have to decide whether this is a (business) relationship, or an (intimate) relationship within your own mind as it can NOT be both? An (intimate) relationship, especially with a Boss is going to be a trainwreck in the making and there are no ifs, ands, or buts involved.
2. That is when you have to verify or clarify your position here at your job? Do you value your job? Do you have other options?
3. None of this will "get better" in your mind until you answer those questions? Do you honestly care about this guy, or is it just happenstance that you're both together alone and is he purposefully teaming up with you to get to you?..Is he manipulating his position or power over you to his advantage?..
4. You either have to "come clean" in order for your thoughts to become clean to expel the guilt, OR approach this individual and tell him your opinions and decisions in regards to the relationship with him, OR find another job where you are free and clear of all these (chronic stress inputs). I know right where you are in your mind..They are tough decisions, BUT until you make them you will be tormented by Mr. Anxiety and his Cousin Fear..
5. To confront, or not to confront is your objective..You honestly DO NOT have any other choices in this particular ordeal or issue Layne..

No medications are going to fix, help, or alleviate this one. Neither is a therapist or councelor either. These decisions must be your own, your own choice, your own method but to continue to ignore this highly volatile situation is only going to make this anxiety disorder that much harder to defeat.

You've gotta draw up a plan of attack that suits you. Write it up, and follow it as it is in sequence and order. It is those things of (sequence and order) that will get you out of this "Anxiety Matrix"....

There is no right answer and there is no wrong answer here..your answer. Remember, it takes (2) to make a relationship work and (2) to make a relationship fail..not just (1)...

Hope that helps friend...

Enduronman..:)

[layne]

Thankyou very much for your response and for not judging. I may have posted about this alot sooner on any forum had the unending comments of abuse on any other similar case I've read about not always ensued.
And your absaloutley right, something has to change, leaving things the way they are will result in me walking out one day, with no financial security or back up.
In regards to my feelings for the boss, I would have to say mine differ from his. He is a very intense person in his own right, he chatters non stop, he flirts non stop, and he let's it be known at every occasion that his relationship is dead and that he believes it's me he wants.
The only problem is I dont.
I agree his relationship probably has reached the end of its run, and that the excitement of a someone new has turned his head and he's ready to follow that direction with his feet, I also think he believes that we would be a good team, a healthy couple, and so on. But we wouldn't, his almost non existent guilt for what he is doing to his partner is quite alarming, and whilst I don't think he knows how much pressure he is putting on me, his expectations of it all working out in the end are overwhelming.
I don't mean this in an egotistical way whatsoever but I have always gotten alot of attention off men, the ones I want and the ones I dont, but anyone with anxiety can tell you this isn't always the dream realised, it's a bed for anxiety to breed and manifest.
When I returned to work after my week off, I had a rather nasty welcome back attack, which left me pretty powerless on the floor, we sat and talked as I calmed down, I told him I would never sleep with him whilst he had a girlfriend, that even if he didn't he was my boss. He responded my saying he would leave her, and change shop. He didn't regret the kiss, he wanted more and so on, and with every word he said I could just feel it getting more and more yucky inside.
Have I led him along? Or has he extorted his power in making me work every shift with him and gradually building up my trust levels to the point where he not only knows how to get me into a state of anxiety, but how to play the hero with the ice cubes and the apples and get me out of it?
Ultimately I want to find another job, ad neve ever let myself get into this situation again, but for now I just want to go to work and jus work.
Thankyou Again though, I relaxed a little just reading your post x

[Enduronman]

Have you lead him along?..Maybe subconciously you have, he writes your paychecks. Do I think he abused his privelege of power?...Yes. Did he cause this great stress, fear, anxiety, guilt within you?.. Yes.

You know what?...Bingo! This just came to me and it will work but you have to make up the story in your own words.. Make up some BS to tell him about you and make it sound like you've never told anyone else this, and you're very concerned about this, and because of this there is no way your relationship would work out because whatever it is that you decide that you have is "in remission"...LMAO!!! If you want this stupid f**k to get lost and get lost real fast (at least avoid you) then make up a story but be sure whomever he may know thats close to you (outside of work) also knows the same BS story and ask them (your friends or family) to just become real overly quiet and bothered if he should ever inquire about you. HILARIOUS!!!!

Obviously, you dont want the relationship, you just want the job and to work...SO,..there ya go!! Just BE SURE that it makes him suddenly (AW, FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, WAA)..but yet still must keep you in his employ!..Gawd I'm awnry!!...Don't repeat that...

Payback's a BITCH!!! BAHAAHHAAAHA!!!!

Enduronman...:)

[Enduronman]

PS: Go find the movie Office Space tonight and plan your strategy while you watch it and LYAO!!! LUMBERG!!! bhaahaahaaaha!!!

[defmunel]

Office space is a great movie!

[Enduronman]

Uh...yeah....about that. :)