Anxiety in my relationship

[Layley]

My anxiety is causing real problems in my relationship. I trust my fiance completely he has given me no reason not to. But when he goes anywhere without me, doesn't text me back immediately, doesn't call, so on and so forth, I get overwhelmed and FREAK OUT. I think I had my first real attack today. My palms got sweaty, I got naseaus, my vision blurred, my heart was racing, and I started hyperventalating. I haven't went to a doctor or therapist yet but I'm starting to think I need to. I always expect the worst, and when I get in my overwhelmed mode, I don't think rational and I think negative and I will say anything.. sometimes really dumb things that are starting to ruin our relationship. He started working off shore, 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off, and I have gotten worse. He's offshore now and at a hotel for the hurricane and I just threw a major fit and got so overwhelmed over a situation that shouldn't have esculated, and had the attack. He is now really upset with me about the things I said while I was overwhelmed and not talking to me, which is only dragging me right into another attack. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to him after I have a fit like this. I need help calming down.

[jhunter89]

I have a similar problem. What are you afraid of? What did you say that upset him?

[Layley]

He told me his coworkers were going to go to the bar tonight. I told him I'd rather he didn't go so I wouldn't be anxious all night worrying about him being out drunk across the state from me. He got mad for a legitiment reason. So then I realized I need to stop trying to tell him what he can and can't do for my sake, and told him he could make his own decisions, even if they make me uncomfortable, and that upset him bc I wouldn't let it go. he said he wouldn't go and I kept on nagging about it trying to justify what I had said before, and how I felt about it. So I made an issue that he let go of become dwelled upon.

[Layley]

and what i'm afraid of is honestly other girls looking at him as if he were single. Even though I know he wouldn't act upon it I'm SO insecure I want him to carry around a sign that says he belongs to me. I guess my problem is I'm possesive of him. And I don't want him to get drunk and forget to talk to me, or lose his phone, or get hurt or anything bc he is still getting paid and he has to go back to work when the hurricane passes.

[jhunter89]

I completely understand that. My boyfriend is going for a night out in Wales in a couple of weeks for his friends birthday. (we live in England) I know I'm going to be up all night worrying. It's a constant battle in my head cos there's things I don't want him to do but I want him to be happy. Give him time to calm down and look at it from your prospective, it's not a big thing that's happened here.

[jhunter89]

I'm the same lol, I'm jealous of any girl my bf pays any attention too, which I need to learn to control or may end up pushing him away.

[Layley]

So we are all in the same boat. Yeah mine turns 21 in 2 weeks, and has plans of going to the Casino for his birthday. In the back of my mind I'm already freaking out about it. I see all of these other girls who are so cool with their's going out and doing what they want, and they don't think twice about it. And I'm the one blowing mine's phone up and having a fit until he gets home, and then I'm all sick about it and secretely mad, and jealous of the people he hung out with.

[dazza]

If you don't have trust then you don't have a lot really.

AND... if you don't allow one-another out with their friends then it's doomed from the outset. Nothing worse than being forced to stay in just because one of you is untrusting.

UNLESS you have proof that the partner will or does cheat then you really need to calm it.

If there's a legitimate reason for your anxiety then maybe it's time for a re-evaluation of the relationship?

My ex. was the same. Drove me nuts so eventually I left.

If he's gonna cheat then that says he ain't happy, which in turn says the relationship is dead anyway.

[dazza]

21?

God... far too young to be settled anyway (in my opinion)

Start thinking of settling when you're in your thirties and live a little until then!

[jhunter89]

I'm very fortunate my bf doesn't go out much. Couldn't you go to the casino with him? Or do you have any girly friends you could hang out with while he's gone? I just tell myself if I keep trying to control him he won't want to be with me. Maybe you should see a doc/councellor and maybe get some anti anxiety meds for such occasions.

[jhunter89]

My boyfriend has given me reason not to trust him but I worry more about him getting hurt or taking a funny turn more than anything else

[Layley]

I trust him it's not about trusting him at all. It's about my insecurities. And we have been together for 5 years so gettin unserious really isn't going to happen, and we both have mature lifestyles and we have been living together for 2 years. But on his birthday he is dedicating his actual birthday to hang out with me and go out with me, then he wants to go to the casino with just his guy friends. and I agree we do need time to do our own things without each other, I promise you I understand all of that. But not having anxiety while letting it all happen is my issue.

[jhunter89]

Have you got any friends you could go out with? You just gotta keep your mind preoccupied. You know he's not going to go off with another woman, he'll be there with friends who'll look out with him. Ask him to ring you at some point in the evening to let you know hes ok. If he's kind and understanding I'm sure he won't mind.

[dazza]

Last post before bed! zzzzz...

A little anxiety is a good thing - it shows you care.

A lot of anxiety isn't. It appears like you don't trust.

So you need to put your own insecurities to bed somehow.
Dare I ask what those insecurities are?

Don't feel attractive? (does he make it obvious he still fancies you? - probably not if you're insecure)
If so, why don't you feel attractive? (what bugs you about yourself?)

Personal - but is everything OK in the bedroom department?

will read this in the morning!

Night all!
xx

[jhunter89]

Is that question aimed at me?

[dazza]

Nooooo... LayLeyyyy

ahhhh gaddd... need bed... night (again) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

[jhunter89]

Oh.. Don't give a shit about me then? Ughhhh.
Kidding!