One step forward 10 steps back !

[jessy]

Why oh why can't I get on with life & be normal & happy ?
I'm absoluetly drained & worn out from this constant anxiety & sadness that consumes me .

I just want to be able to live a normal life , be a normal mother & wife . I feel totally lost yet again & I can not feel anything other than fear & sadness .

I'm to ashamed to talk about some of the things I've done even on here . So I just post how I'm feeling .

Sometimes I feel as if I'm going demented , life is passing me by & I'm a failure , I'm a horrible person when this takes over ,
I really don't know how the hell I'm going to get through this lifetime
This pain gets to much to bear

[NatalieRegina]

It can be very draining to feel the constant work of living with it- I totally understand. There are hundreds of people in this forum that feel exactly the same way you do, so you're in good company.

Something I used to tell myself when I felt like I was going crazy was this- crazy people don't know they're crazy. So if you're suspecting it, you're probably not. :)

And kudos for being a wife and mother- that's hard work, anxiety or not. :)

[dazza]

>I'm to ashamed to talk about some of the things I've done even on here

Ooooh... c'mon, dish out the dirt!

>This pain gets to much to bear

What pain? physical, mental or both? (and what sort of bear? Polar, grizzly or teddy?)

[jessy]

I just can't talk about it , not at the moment anyway .

As for the pain , the mental pain !!
I can deal with my physical pains .

As for the bear Dazza , teddy bear !! Haha

Thanks for the replys , I'll check in again soon , got a dirty 12 yo to contend with , smelly & dirty & a soaking wet muddy footy kit & boots to sort out !!
Ahh the joys

[jessy]

Well I'm sat here waiting for the plumber to arrive
Anxiety's bad & depression not lifting .
I'm just hoping & praying that I start to feel better soon .
Being alone most of the time doesn't help , but I've no social life , no friends , I can't drive so I'm pretty limited .

[jessy]

Ps. I also think that my husband is fed up of me , he must be . I know I am !

[kzac]

Are you on meds? Go to your gp and just tell them everything trust me they will of heard worse!! Your husband is prob just worried for you, its hard when people dont understand my husband trys but i dont think you can understand unless you have been there! Its so hard i know but stay positive when you think ' my husband is pissed off with me' stop yourself and think ' no he loves me' always try to find the positive and repeat it to yourself over and over and over!!

Kellyx

[trinidiva]

Jessy
Is it because of the anxiety why you can't drive? I'm kind of limited in my driving....I work from home because of it....I can't drive on the highway......but I DO force myself to drive locally, to the grocery store,kids school and after school activities. Even that was hard in the beginning, but now it is much easier.
I know what you mean about your husband getting fed up, I feel the same way with mine...but seriously, I have to talk about these anxious feelings....if I don't, I feel like I will lose it!!!!
Hang in there, I hope you start to feel better....just remember, you are not alone..a lot of us are going through the same thing.

[jessy]

Yes I'm on med's , but they don't seem to be working that well ATM !!
I've been on so many different things , I hate the thought of starting all over again , I don't think my g.p really knows what to suggest any more. , most things haven't worked or have made me worse .
What I'm on now has suited me up untill this last few weeks where they don't seem to be doing a thing for me .
I will try & keep the positive thoughts coming & just keep carrying on , just hope this eases up soon ,
Thanks for your reply
Hope you are doing o.k
Jessy x

[jessy]

Trinidiva
I used to drive , I had a bad accident back in November last year & can't drive now , my car was a total loss & I can't afford a new one .

My eldest gets the bus to school & youngest starts in a week , the school is about a 15 min walk away ,
It's rural where I live so I am very isolated & because of my anxiety & depression I've not made any friends or been social for many years.

I know it must be hard for my husband & I do worry he's fed up of me , I also feel I'm a pretty useless mother aswell , I just hope I start to feel a little more in control of myself & my emotions soon !

Thank you for your kind words , jessy x

[kzac]

Is there another doc u could see the pills are not working i no its like starting again and its shit but u being like this is shit too! Do you speak to a counsellor at all? U could try to every night get in to bed and write a diary of that day be completley honest write all you feelings emotions thoughts and worrys on paper then put it under your bed and go to sleep listening to a relaxation tape. Do this every day and it will start to help. Stay positive you will come through this.

Kellyx

[jessy]

That's a very good idea Kelly , I am going to take your advice & do that ! .

I had a rubish night , hardly slept .

I have seen a cbt therapist in the past , never tried a councillor though .

I want to try & move forward , not sure therapy is the best option for me .

I am very reluctant to try any more med's , I faced so so many in the past & gone through all the side effects & crap that goes with trying out what suits .

I currently have lorazapam as & when needed , max 4mg a day , sometimes I need less sometimes the full dose & I take an anti depressant at night (Dosulepin) , it's the only A/D that "has" helped & "usually" helps me sleep

As I said its the last 3 weeks that I've been terrible & this is a mystery to me , why it's come back full force , I can only hope I start to feel a bit more in control soon . If this carries on I'll have to see the doctor , but he will not know what to do either , this is half the problem ! It's all guess work & I've had so many years of all this that my faith in doctors & the mental health team is very low . I'm sad to say , they have been less than useless :-(

I'm sure if I could afford private health care , it would be a different story , but I can't
Jessy x

[kzac]

Im really lucky i have a great doctor an that really is half the battle, i did a self esteem course to which was really good! The diary does help and relaxation tape he lped me sleep better cuz i dont know about you but if ive had a crap nights sleep i feel more anxious the next day! I take sertraline 150mg daily and diazepam when needed but i havnt touched the diazepam in a year but it always in my purse!!! I found sertraline suits me i still get anxious but i can cope with life on them, lol! You have got to stay positive and tell yourself all these things will help you! Be a little easier on yourself im sure your a great mom and a good wife regardless of what is happening on the inside be kind to yourself and keep telling yourself that you are great cuz you are!!!

Kellyx

[jessy]

Thank you so much Kelly , I'm feeling a little better today , fingers crossed !!
X