Hypochondriac *LONG*

[defmunel]

It all began 2.5 years ago when my heart started racing after I ate a big meal. It would happen every now and then. Fast forward 1 year, my grandmother died from a heart attack (age 83) and I finally decided i should go to the doctor to get checked out and talk about my anxiety. The doctor did nothing for me but deepen my fear. My heart rate was through the roof (163 bpm) and my blood pressure was elevated (132/90). She ordered a heart monitor, did an ekg (normal) and sent me on my way. I felt like she wasn't listening to me about my anxiety. I never did the holster test. I decided to start taking my blood pressure on my own. It's very good (110/70 roughly). My heart rate is usually good (65-85 bpm) but sometimes it goes higher than that. It seems like every 2 months I get major heart related anxiety. I used to google every symptom, but have stopped. I've been seeing a new pcp, who is very sensitive to me and my concerns. She is very loving and kind. I give her my daily recorded blood pressure readings and she says they look fantastic. I had a full physical done in march. Blood work all came back great. Fantastic cholesterol numbers. She listened to my heart and said it sounded great even though it was beating fast (upper 90's - 100's). She said a fast heart rate is nothing to be concerned about , especially because it isn't constant. Fast forward to the last month. I had a panic attack relating to my heart. My lower back was hurting, my heart was racing and I felt like my left arm was going numb. I called a family member who helped me through it and I also to 1/2 of my Xanax. After 4 days of anxiety, I got through. Just last week, my friends husband was out running with some friends and just collapsed and died. He was only 37. Now the anxiety and panic has flared. Same symptoms of lower back pain and numbness in my arm. I worry that its a sign and i need to do something about it rather than wait For something terrible to happen. That's my fear, that I'm going to die at a young age. Leaving my husband and son alone. I'm only 29, 5'4" and weigh 118 lbs. anxiety sucks. Plain and simple. My dad is a therapist, and has given me a lot of cbt tools to use. I do the best I can, but when my thoughts overtake me, I'm done for. I don't want to rely on medication because I want more children. I can't take Xanax while pregnant. My husband is so good to me, and supportive. I'm so grateful for that. If you have any words or encouragement or help, please, pass them along. I know I am not alone in this.

[alekumo]

You know. I admire your honesty. I also think that since you are pregnant it wouldn't hurt to have it checked. I had a friend who had a pinched nerve. It is most likely anxiety but better to get it checked out for you and baby.

[dazza]

If your dad's a therapist, your husband is supportive and you know you're not alone then you should be in a pretty good position!

I didn't have any of these "tools" to begin with (not calling your dad or husband a tool, by the way... I mean "instrumental")... so things were pretty bleak for me during the early (undiagnosed) stages of anxiety disorder.

My principle fear was (and to a much lesser degree, still is) heart related - so I know where you're coming from on this.

Here's how it works...

FEAR and RATIONALITY are effectively enemies, each with their own strength levels, where rationality is normally the stronger.
(From a biological perspective - this balance is created through various neurotransmitters & chemicals within the brain)

A goodie versus baddie scenario, if you like.

The brain is like a sponge - it absorbs and retains.
Each time you throw a major worry at it, the brain will retain it and eventually overflow, by which time fear has overpowered rationality. (Ut oh!)

It is at this point where anxiety disorder develops - since FEAR is now dominant. (Holy smoke!)

Now that fear has dominated your brain (while rationality lies wounded in the gutter), you're in serious trouble.
Fear is a tyrant, it is lapping up further worries, growing stronger and stronger until eventually it is strong enough to activate your primal defense mechanism - fight or flight mode! (shittttttttt!)

Now things are really kicking off and this is where you are right now.

In short;

o your brain has been dominated by the FEAR tyrant (Grandma / 37 year old runner / general fear of heart attack for some time - accumulation of worries). Rationality lies battered and bruised.
o FEAR loves to trigger fight or flight mode
o the only way to solve this is to reduce FEAR's power using various (cognetive) techniques

Positive facts to dwell on:

o The 37 year old most likely had an underlying heart condition. A mere run doesn't just kill us, unless there's something wrong with the heart or heart inputs in the first place
o For any genetically healthy (but not necessarily very fit) person, they will given warning signs of heart stress long before they simply drop dead!
o Your Grandma was 83 - that's a fantastic age!
o You've been checked out and all is well
o You suffer anxiety disorder and physical symptoms thereof. These include increased heart rate (excess adrenalin) and numbness as common symptoms.

[defmunel]

Thanks for the encouragement. You know, I wish I was pregnant, but I'm not. I am trying to fight the anxious feelings without medication, because when I am pregnant, I can't take any.

My dad is a great man. And although he doesn't have anxiety himself, he helps a lot. When I call him crying because I'm in a panic, he listens, and gives any guidance he can. I am blessed to have him.

I know the odds are in my favor. All of my grandparents have lived and are living long healthy lives. I've lost two, and both lived into their mid 80's. My other two are living healthy, and in their late 80's. My husband reminds me of this a lot.

I've always been a worrier. ALWAYS. My dad remembers me even worrying a lot when I was in elementary school. My living grandmother was diagnosed with GAD about 5 years ago. Perhaps she had it before, but never did anything about it. My mother has social anxiety. My sister and brother both suffer from a small amount of depression, but both are able to combat with therapy. No meds. I'm sure this a bit genetic.

I hate that this is my burden, but even though I suffer with this, I couldn't be happier and more blessed with those that surround me with love and support.

Ebb and Flow