hello everyone!

[socalledsuccessfulgirl]

Hi guys! Just registered here and am excited by the prospect of talking to people who have also struggled with anxiety and really know where I'm coming from. I'm an 18 year old female and have been struggling with a nasty GAD/PTSD/anorexia combo for the past several years, with pretty severe panic attacks accompanying my PTSD. I have been in therapy since September 06 and have been on and off several perscription meds for awhile now (I had to stop Prozac and Lexapro because of the side effects I was experiencing but have recently had luck with Risperdal). While I feel like I've made some progress, I think I could still use a whole lot of help.

I've hung around this forum for awhile now, just reading posts up until this point, and am thankful I stumbled across it. It definitely helps to read about the experiences of others and know that I'm not alone. I'm a huge perfectionist out there in the big bad real world, and often feel very isolated, almost like I'm living a lie. I figured it was about time I came clean somewhere and let my guard down (while still carefully cloaked in anomnity, of course :tongue: ).

Anybody else feel somewhat guilty about their anxiety disorder and not want anyone outside of immediate friends and family to know? I know that trying to put on a "I've got everything under control" face for the world only makes things worse for me, yet I constantly do it anyway. And is anyone else on here dealing with an anxiety disorder/eating disorder combo?? The two usually go hand in hand for me... :unsure:

[juliana]

Hi there! I'm glad you decided to join us.

I can relate to your feeling of wanting to hide your condition from others. I often feel like a fraud. I spend so much time acting. When I meet new people, I never tell them about my panic attacks or that I had agoraphobia for over 3 years. I want them to think I'm perfect. I told some co-workers after I had been working with them for 2 years and they were shocked. I come across as very self-assured and confident and I'm the one who is always calm and focused when things get busy and stressful at work.

In 2005, I was very nervous about going back to work. Not just because of the challenges I would face, but also because I had been away from full-time work for 4 years and I thought there would be questions about that. I certainly didn't want to tell the truth about why I had been at home for 4 years. Fortunately, I was a graphic designer and had done some freelance design work during the time I was ill, so it didn't appear as a gaping hole to potential employees. There were no questions asked.

I'm at a new job with a higher profile now. I haven't told any of my co-workers about my past or about my ongoing struggle with anxiety. I'm afraid they wouldn't think I was capable of doing a good job if they knew the truth. I feel like it would put me under a great deal of scrutiny and they wouldn't have the confidence they have in me right now.

I try to be as open as possible with family and friends. I also think it's important to attack the stigma attached with the conditions we have, but I'm a bit of a hypocrite in that department. I ACT like I'm fine and put on a facade for most of the world. Only the people I know well and trust know the truth.

I haven't struggled with an eating disorder like you but I know that it's very common. I'm glad you've found a medication that seems to be working for you and you're getting therapy. It sounds like you're well on your way to getting better.

Being an actress all the time gets exhausting sometimes, doesn't it?

Welcome! I look forward to getting to know you better.

[socalledsuccessfulgirl]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome! Nice to know I'm not the only one putting up a facade for the world sometimes. It's definitely tough and it does get quite exhausting and frusturating.

But I too fear that people won't think me capable if they know the truth. I occupy quite a few authority positions both around my high school campus and in other settings. After graduating in a couple months, I'm off to a prestigious university on the other side of the country. Part of me feels like I don't belong there, because I feel my anxiety and my panic attacks and my eating disorder make me weak and less worthy to be there. While I work hard to project the image that I'm nothing less than a completely happy, successful young person, I'm just thankful people don't see the wreck that I become when I'm home at night studying like a maniac until 4 in the morning (terrified I'll earn a grade that reflects less than what I know I am capable of) or when I'm staring at a plate of food (terrified to eat it because my body might become something less than perfect). :cry: One of the reasons I sought therapy so young was so that I could conquer these issues before I begin a real career someday (and also because I didn't want to end up in an in-patient treatment center for my eating disorder and lose my chance to study at my dream school).

So far it's been a much harder battle than I thought it would be, and I too wish I could somehow help erase the stigma and be truly open about what's going on with me to the people around me. Keeping the GAD and anorexia a secret has been hard enough, but internalizing my PTSD and all my fears surrounding it has been hardest of all. I hope that someday I can feel okay with letting my guard down around more people in my life and that I can feel less guilty about the things I have been through and the ways in which I have responded to them.

All of the things you said about fearing scrutiny from your co-workers sounds just like what I fear. Every time I'm absent from class because I had a panic attack the night before, I start to worry that people will suspect and lose confidence in me. For some reason, I'm just not ready to let people think of me as anything less than perfect.

But until I'm ready for that, at least I can be honest here. :)

[juliana]

You have a brilliant future ahead of you. It's exciting that you're going off to university soon. One of the great things about living in a new place is that it gives you the freedom to reinvent yourself in a way. Maybe you'll reach a point in your therapy where you can feel more comfortable with letting people know you're NOT perfect... and maybe when you start the next phase of your life at university, you will be the lovely, smart, interesting NOT PERFECT girl. It's our imperfections that make us fascinating.

Other people get irritated by perfection anyway. ;)

It's very smart of you to be going to therapy. You want to be healthy... and that's the most important part. I know it's hard. It's way harder than we imagine it will be, but it can bring about some wonderfully positive changes.

I'm glad you found a place where you can be honest. Open up, chat, share... There are lots of wonderful, understanding people here.

P.S. I love the quote you have at the bottom of your post. Elizabeth Bishop is one of my favourite poets. She was from Nova Scotia (like me).