healed? [Archive] - Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks

juliana

03-02-2007, 09:32 PM

Hi Briarose. I wouldn't say I'm necessarily "healed" but I have come a very long way. For over 2 years (and counting...) anxiety has NOT controlled my life. I was 30 when I first started having panic attacks and then developed agoraphobia. I'll be 37 next month, so I'm getting better as I get older. ;)

In May of 2004 I was so agoraphobic I rarely left my flat. Even going out on my own deck would bring on a severe panic attack (terror!!) and I would rush back inside after a few minutes. I often went weeks or months without stepping outside at all. I even had trouble going down the interior stairs to the front door when friends or family came to visit. I eventually gave most of them keys so they could let themselves in so I could avoid having to go to the front door. I had been like that for over THREE YEARS.

Just the thought of having to leave my flat for a doctor's appointment would fill me with intense anxiety for weeks in advance and on the day of the appointment I would be shaking, crying and incredibly nauseous and I would feel like I was choking. The friend or family member who was driving me to the appointment would practically have to drag me to the car. For the few minutes I was in the car, I would be fighting the overwhelming urge to escape. I had to stop myself from opening the door and jumping out while we were driving. I couldn't handle feeling trapped. When I was at the medical clinic, the nurse would put me in a recovery room by myself to wait because I couldn't handle sitting in the regular waiting room with other people and bright lights. I had trouble talking to my doctor about how I was feeling because I was in such a panic about being somewhere other than the safety of my own little flat. I couldn't make myself go for a short visit with my downstairs neighbour. Her flat is just one floor below me in the same house, but the thought of going there filled me with fear. I wouldn't go on a 15 minute car ride to spend Christmases and Thanksgivings at my sister's house, so my family would come and visit me in my flat on holidays. I couldn't eat dinner with them though. I couldn't force myself to eat when other people were around. I just felt like choking. When my niece was born, I was so excited but I was too scared to travel the few blocks to the hospital to see her. My world was very, very small and the thought of stepping outside of it filled me with terror. I would get incredibly nauseous, shaky, dizzy and couldn't swallow. I didn't answer the phone either because I was phobic about any unwelcome or unplanned intrusion into my safe little world. A friend gave me a lottery ticket in a birthday card one year and that filled me with anxiety; I was terrified that I would win because then I would be expected to go to the lotto office and collect my jackpot -- and I knew I couldn't do that. I had a violent reaction to a medication at one point and felt like I was dying, but wouldn't call 911 because I knew the medics would have made me leave my flat and go to the hospital. One of my biggest phobias was being sick in front of other people, so I would have chosen dying by myself over that.

I got a whole lot better, though. I went back to full-time work as a graphic designer and editor in January of 2005. This past summer I travelled to 4 states (took 6 flights by myself), interviewed the lead singer of my favourite band, went to rock concerts, etc. When I got off my first flight after not flying in so many years, I felt so incredible. It was like I slayed the dragon and I felt like I could do anything. Two weeks ago, I made a move up in my career and started a new job as Communications Coordinator for a university. My job entails meeting lots of people, going to many meetings -- in large boardrooms full of people, over meals and drinks -- talking to reporters, appearing in front of tv cameras, etc. Those things would have seemed impossible to me 2-1/2 years ago. So, I have come a long, long way from my agoraphobic days. I'm not quite as carefree as I was before I got agoraphobia, but most of my confidence has returned and I feel more like my former self than I have in years.

I still battle anxiety, but it doesn't interfere with my life in a big way any more. My panic attacks became less frequent over time and I no longer feel the need to run away from situations. I know the attack will pass and it usually passes very quickly. There are still some things that I want to avoid -- like malls, escalators and long lines at the grocery store -- but I force myself to face those things and every time I do it gets easier. One of my most stubborn phobias was escalators going down. There are escalators in the mall near my new office, so I make myself go there every day at lunch time and practice facing two of my fears (crowded malls and down escalators) every day. After doing it for 4 days, I found it wasn't bothering me anymore. That fear seems to have just gone POOF.

This is a very long post. I'm very wordy. I just can't help it. :roll:

Here's how I got to this point. I started taking a very low dose of Clonazepam (0.5 mg) in the summer of 2004. That calmed me down enough that I was able to go to regular appointments with a psychiatrist and with a cognitive behaviour therapist. The psychiatrist put me on Celexa and the therapist gave me some practical techniques and tasks to work on to help me get better. I also started practising yoga which helped me relax and taught me some breathing techniques I can use to calm myself down a bit when I'm feeling anxious. My therapist attributes a lot of my improvement to "flooding." When I decided to look for a job and go to work full-time neither he nor my psychiatrist thought I was ready. My psychiatrist was actually adamantly opposed to me going back to full-time work at that point. I just decided I wanted to do it, though. I was sick of watching life pass me by. I was terrified, but I was fed up too and I decided it was a sink or swim situation. So, my therapist said I basically did my own flooding therapy by immersing myself into a full-time job while I was still experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Rather than easing myself slowly back into the world, I jumped right in and faced all the things I was afraid of -- leaving my flat, taking cabs or buses, being in a public office -- being in places I couldn't just run away from. Distraction worked best for me in getting through the panic attacks during my first few months -- focusing on my work or listening to my iPod while walking or in a cab. I also had anti-nauseants and Clonazepam as my back-up security blanket. Eventually, I started going out socially again too.

I weaned myself off the Celexa in February of 2006 and did fine without it. By that point, I was only taking Clonazepam occasionally -- once or twice a week -- at times when I was feeling more anxiety than usual. My uncle committed suicide this summer and that sort of launched me into a depression which worsened throughout the fall. I also herniated a disk in my neck which pinched a nerve, so I was in a great deal of pain for a few months. I found my anxiety increasing and started taking Clonazepam almost every day (I believe that may have exacerbated the depression). So, about a month ago I started on 10mg per day of Lexapro and it's working very well for me. The depression has lifted and I haven't had a panic attack or anxiety episode in nearly three weeks. I still carry Clonazepam in my purse (just in case), but I haven't taken a tablet in weeks.

Anyway, I hope everyone here finds something that works for them. Medications work differently for everyone. The same goes for therapy. It's a trial and error process and it takes a lot of determination and there are inevitable setbacks, but I do believe we can all reach a point where anxiety doesn't rule our lives. I don't intend for this post to be a how-to guide for anyone. When I had agoraphobia, I felt so hopeless. I thought I would never get better. Since then, friends have admitted to me that they were starting to give up hope that I would get better too. I would just be pleased if someone found some hope in my story.