Enduronman
08-15-2012, 12:05 PM
Dear AF members, friends, family, creepers, lurkers, and please just join us types,
I have lived an entire life (40+ years) within a very troubleing world. I have personally felt, thought, acted, behaved, exactly as all of us here have at one point or another in my life. An individual, single, 1 person that had been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, OCD, GAD, SAD, PANIC, IED, SCHITZO and leading me to RA. I had no option but to face all those illnesses and look them in the eyes..once I found them. I was "hell" on this earth. It isnt my fault, my parents fault, my ancestors fault, or anyones fault. Its just how I am programmed, wired, assembled...yippee!
Now, I read a post earlier about another member of ours who struggles to regain a sense of control, not only of the individual self, but also her spouse as well. I saw our newest member type a reply in this thread. It struck me like a baseball bat in the nose..I can not help that. The reason it hit me SO hard was the fact that this new member (that I didnt mean to scare, threaten, or intimidate and wish her to return) typed a series of words in an attempt to comfort the member in need. Only problem was, the typed reply, words, thoughts, whatever were not condusive or consistent with any sort of useful or factual information that this member could use nor understand. In fact, they were the complete opposite of what this member actually needed to see, read, or try to implement into her plan to create a better environment to this individual and the spouse. That's why I typed my reply directly beneath hers, in a kind and gentle manner although I was on the other end of this computer in a fit of uncontrolled rage and was trying to keep myself from destroying this very tool I use to communicate with you, my family, my friends...
Why did I instantly go from a peaceful, relaxing morning cup of coffee to I wish to obliterate my entire kitchen in a tenth of a second? It was because of the words that I read. It was because I forgot about logic and reason, instantly. Just by looking at, and reading what was merely meant to be a reply to "comfort" another person. I could not "see" that..I was instantly blinded and oblivious to my surroundings, environment, everything disappeared..Lost control.
I attempted to simply just ask the new member to learn about what "psychosis" even is, before you reply to threads regarding "psychosis" please?...and PLEASE dont be offended and run off.. She immediately attacked me with a flurry of words that I read, but my mind only allows me to retain certain ones of meaning to me. Those words were "a know it all type, unless you're a psychiatrist"...That's all I remember. Then she was gone.
So, that being typed and cleared from my mind. Let me explain why I reacted as I did:
1. IED=intermittent explosive disorder. I have that...
2. Schizophrenia=an involuntary temporary loss of reality. I have that..
3. Both of those (2) combined = psychosis...I temporarily lose all sense of perception. Vision, speech, hearing, who you are, where I am, why I'm in a fit of rage, why I'm destroying or wish to destroy everything I can visually perceive..
That's why..That's why the words she typed were visually read, processed, and connected to this members spouses disorder, and the very same disorder that I also live with too.
When I am in a "psychotic" state of mind, you can not talk to me, you can not explain anything to me, you can not ask me a question, I can not understand anything you are doing, nor do I or would I even see or know who you even are in my life or what you even mean to me...NOTHING...NONE OF IT...
I become oblivious to everything in this world..thank GOD it only last for a short time and that I am strong enough to get away from anyone, and lock myself up to protect those that I dearly love and care about...
There are (2) areas of the brain that I can tap into, which is extremely difficult to do but it is the "logical and rational" side that over-powers the "I am going to tear you apart" side...
There.. That's why I replied as I did.
I'm truly sorry Scarlett. Yet again my (mental illness) that I try so hard to control, causes me the loss of a new friend.
Enduronman.
I have lived an entire life (40+ years) within a very troubleing world. I have personally felt, thought, acted, behaved, exactly as all of us here have at one point or another in my life. An individual, single, 1 person that had been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, OCD, GAD, SAD, PANIC, IED, SCHITZO and leading me to RA. I had no option but to face all those illnesses and look them in the eyes..once I found them. I was "hell" on this earth. It isnt my fault, my parents fault, my ancestors fault, or anyones fault. Its just how I am programmed, wired, assembled...yippee!
Now, I read a post earlier about another member of ours who struggles to regain a sense of control, not only of the individual self, but also her spouse as well. I saw our newest member type a reply in this thread. It struck me like a baseball bat in the nose..I can not help that. The reason it hit me SO hard was the fact that this new member (that I didnt mean to scare, threaten, or intimidate and wish her to return) typed a series of words in an attempt to comfort the member in need. Only problem was, the typed reply, words, thoughts, whatever were not condusive or consistent with any sort of useful or factual information that this member could use nor understand. In fact, they were the complete opposite of what this member actually needed to see, read, or try to implement into her plan to create a better environment to this individual and the spouse. That's why I typed my reply directly beneath hers, in a kind and gentle manner although I was on the other end of this computer in a fit of uncontrolled rage and was trying to keep myself from destroying this very tool I use to communicate with you, my family, my friends...
Why did I instantly go from a peaceful, relaxing morning cup of coffee to I wish to obliterate my entire kitchen in a tenth of a second? It was because of the words that I read. It was because I forgot about logic and reason, instantly. Just by looking at, and reading what was merely meant to be a reply to "comfort" another person. I could not "see" that..I was instantly blinded and oblivious to my surroundings, environment, everything disappeared..Lost control.
I attempted to simply just ask the new member to learn about what "psychosis" even is, before you reply to threads regarding "psychosis" please?...and PLEASE dont be offended and run off.. She immediately attacked me with a flurry of words that I read, but my mind only allows me to retain certain ones of meaning to me. Those words were "a know it all type, unless you're a psychiatrist"...That's all I remember. Then she was gone.
So, that being typed and cleared from my mind. Let me explain why I reacted as I did:
1. IED=intermittent explosive disorder. I have that...
2. Schizophrenia=an involuntary temporary loss of reality. I have that..
3. Both of those (2) combined = psychosis...I temporarily lose all sense of perception. Vision, speech, hearing, who you are, where I am, why I'm in a fit of rage, why I'm destroying or wish to destroy everything I can visually perceive..
That's why..That's why the words she typed were visually read, processed, and connected to this members spouses disorder, and the very same disorder that I also live with too.
When I am in a "psychotic" state of mind, you can not talk to me, you can not explain anything to me, you can not ask me a question, I can not understand anything you are doing, nor do I or would I even see or know who you even are in my life or what you even mean to me...NOTHING...NONE OF IT...
I become oblivious to everything in this world..thank GOD it only last for a short time and that I am strong enough to get away from anyone, and lock myself up to protect those that I dearly love and care about...
There are (2) areas of the brain that I can tap into, which is extremely difficult to do but it is the "logical and rational" side that over-powers the "I am going to tear you apart" side...
There.. That's why I replied as I did.
I'm truly sorry Scarlett. Yet again my (mental illness) that I try so hard to control, causes me the loss of a new friend.
Enduronman.