Anorexia back again.

[miss_mac666]

I have been suffering with anxiety since I was 16 or so. Due to my intense phobia, Emetophobia aka fear of vomit/vomiting. It is all I can seem to think about. HAs been this way for almost 10 yrs. When I am not on the right medication my anorexia comes back full force. I don't want to eat, can't eat. All I do is drink water and watch my weight drop. I am addicted to the hunger feeling. It makes me feel good. Strange I know. When I do eat I immediately get panicked. My mind races, heart pounding, shaking uncontrollably. Sometimes I scratch my skin to distract my mind to that "pain". I have no support in this. I have recently gained 30 pounds because of my medcation. In my mind I am huge. I also have body dimorphic syndrome. Which means I see myself as a fat mess. Even when the scale tells me I am 120 lbs. My family tells me I am to small and I just get angry because they have so many comments about my weight weather I am too small or to big. Its always been a huge issue for me. I want to love myself and my body... I just don't know how..

[annalea(:]

Hello :)
Firstly, im not entirely sure i can help as i am not too familiar with BDD however i will give it a shot!
I can understand with the anorexia, like feeling hungry and Fear of vomiting.
When i was younger i got a stomach bug and that sent me in a spiral of anorexia or fear of eating if i was still ill and again, vomit. That was easily overcome because i was a lot younger and only had three therapy sessions, it cleared up as quick as it came on really.
Several years on, I'm at the stage of OCD from fear of stomach virus that would make me vomit. As you understand we with emet, people have hand washing, cleaning, avoiding sickness, eating in restaurants etc symptoms, all or few, we have them.
Also, i recently have lost a lot of weight (gone from a size 12 to size 6/8) admittedly i wanted to lose weight but not this way. Ive noticed i don't eat till I'm hungry and my stomach is rumbling because i like the feeling and i don't want to over eat incase i vomit. All i can say there is, don't force feed yourself for others as that can lead to Bulimia (believe it or not people with emet can also have bulimia, one extreme to another right!) just slowly work your way up on the texture of food, dont skip steps unless you really feel you can handle it as you can end up at square one if eating that type of food triggers nausea from anxiety.
Firsty focus on liquids, drink water and so on and then start on Cup-a-soups, then maybe work up to a thicker soup, then to a more textured one like chicken noodle then when your ready work up to noodles. It sounds stupid that routine but it worked for me, i just used to drink water mostly then eat something small when i really needed to. All you need to do is reduce the liquid content in food and as you go you will feel your hunger grow, you will feel healthier etc
Even if you get to a size 8 or so it will be heathy as you will be eating fruit and vegetables!
It may or may not be a slow process you just have to tell your family and they will give you support, explain to them that force feeding and negative comments will NOT make progress.

I would also recomend going to the doctors for a referal to a therapist, i am currently being treated for emet and so on, telling someone who understands anxiety really does help!!

I really hope this has helped in some way! :S
If not, i apologise but you are always welcome to talk to me about this!
AnnaLea
Xx