Enduronman
08-09-2012, 02:18 PM
Hey Anxiety Forum friends,
I was given this opportunity to sit down, relax, chill out, re-calibrate, adjust, modify, and adapt to my life. 74 days ago to be exact, I was attacked and assaulted by my own internal systems. My own physical body had its own agenda that I knew 0 about. Were there warning signs of this potential risks for attack? Yes. Did I ignore them and just push through and continue with "business and life as usual?" Yes. Did I yet again pay a terribly painful price for this ignorance and disregard? Yes. I am not new to paying a price, I paid for my actions, behaviors, thoughts, for my entire life. I see a question on these forums that comes up quite often, and that question is "Does anxiety cause pain?".. The real, true, and factual answer to that question is.....YES. That answer is not negotiable in any way, so don't waste your time trying to analyze it..Save your brain cells for a time that you will really need them to be fully operational and in the right firing order. Trust this answer.
Throughout these forums I have posted multiple times about this, that, the other in general regard or response to anxiety. Sometimes I would throw things in from left field that would appear as "do not throw a tomatoe at a passenger side door of a police car,..cuz it just isn't cool". Well, I will tell you that there is not 1 single word, sentence, or comment that was false, misleading, made up, or untrue. I actually lived and or performed each and every event or story that you will find, on my own, with my own mind, my own hands. True. I spent the first 18 yrs, 2 months, and 2 days of my life being deviant, defiant, disastrous, destructive, destroyer and you may also include the 1 (D) word that will soon pop into your heads in a second...because honestly that is what I truly was. I was such a shy fella, quiet in demeanor in my elementary years, small in stature, smart, never studied but A's just kept landing everywhere around me. Champion at this, winner at that, leader in this, strongest in that...I know, my Mother clipped all the newspaper articles with my name mentioned throughout and they're in my attic right now. Awards, ribbons, trophys, plaques, certificates,..yadda yadda. Until 1 day when I received a report card in my 7th year of schooling. That day changed me, my life, my mind, my focus, my energy, my everything because..of the highest degree of demand that I placed upon myself. I saw a B+..My response, to the fact that I let myself down was..SNAP! From that day forward, I attacked and assaulted myself and anything else or anyone that ever so slightly brushed against my trigger which was as thin as a thread. It was not until I reached the exact age mentioned above that I stopped tearing everything apart. Literally. Even though I was extremely successful at anything I intended to do, it was all WRONG!
Now, had I not regained control of myself then I would not have been left alive to be blessed with 3 kids, and a grandson. I was fortunate enough, smart enough, strong enough, to cease and desist anything I was doing that was wrong, harmful, hurtful, life threatening. I was an addict. I was addicted to the VERY same chemical substance that you are ALL fighting against to regain control of your own lives and that evil villians name is "Mr. Adrenaline"...I was an actual "adrenaline junkie"...and all other endorphins that were released during these self-invented times of stressful events. My mind would seek out trouble, fights, adversarial threats, and any other sort of (highly risky behaviors, to produce the "HIGH").. You get the point..
That is the fundamental difference between ALL of you, and I..if you understand what it is that I just put into words for you all to read. You are so frustrated, infuriated, shaky, scared, afraid, nervous, hiding, running, and attempting to avoid and evade his control..over you. He was doing the exact words that I just typed for you..TO ME! I could always find him when I wished or wanted too, which was 1000's of times. Self-inflicted "panic attacks".. The very thing that you are all so tormented by that will not just leave you all be in peace and tranquility. If I could attack him, and assault him for the sake and sanity of all of you..I would. NO QUESTIONS ASKED..Seeing you all struggle here as I have seen for many days leaves me feeling helpless to help my fellow friends of this forum. I can not allow myself to become, the man I once was and take out my aggressions upon others because of an issue involving many that I can not control nor change for you. (I still have not seen my wife in days, after I accidentally allowed Mr. A back in for awhile as I was in attack mode because of the ignorance of a treatment option as given to one of our forum members who did everything she couldv'e done, accurately, correctly, to obtain the exact thing she needed to give her a sense of control..When she felt defeat, I too felt defeat even though I dont know her, nor see her. I wished to hunt down this Dr. for pushing her out of her office with a bag of f**kin bubblegum and a Flintstone vitamin). Can YOU feel the words that I just typed? Weird isn't it...(breathe)...
I will find my wife soon enough. You've ALL probably just read that sentence and thought to yourselves (OMG, he doesnt even know where his wife went a couple days ago because he had to lock HIMSELF into a room, to protect HER..and he doesnt seem to be worried, bothered, freakin out, concerned, alarmed, frantic, pacing, sending out search parties, filing an APB?)...No, I am not. Why?..Because she knows me to the core of me. I know her to the core of her. Think about this aspect for a moment, she is a Judge and has been for over 2 decades. Her job is to put people like I once was, behind bars to protect all of you. Do you think that the fact that she is a Public Official, A Politician, A Public Servant, and the fact that everyone she locks up also knows her real NAME makes my position here in this household easier or extremely difficult territory to navigate?...If you chose the right answer, do you think I struggle to maintain this high degree of complexity?...NOPE. My biggest struggle still resides inside of myself. The 1 question, that I can not accurately address but i have a general idea of what the cause of "The temporary loss of reality and perseption" is...It is schizophrenia. A temporary, momentary, lapse of "real life" caused by...yup, "Mr. Adrenalines" covert ability to sneak in on me but that is when I lose control for a min or two and then my mind takes over and demands for me to FLIGHT rather then what I did time, after time, after time, in my life..FIGHT. I never ran, prior to 26 years ago...now I must run to protect my friends, family, loved ones from me. I will NEVER fail at this task either..Now THAT is the real point in all this new thread,...
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO MIND OVER MATTER. MIND OVER ACTIONS. MIND OVER BEHAVIORS. MIND OVER HEALTH....
Your brain is the most powerful part, system, centerpiece of your entire body and all of its internal functions and ordered demands..
PLEASE I PRAY THAT SOMEONE, ANYONE, ALL OF YOU WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND THIS!! Because it is vital to your futures...
I will let you know what the Dr.'s answer is on Monday. Life or death...I will accept either answer as it is.
God bless you all.
Enduronman (Christoph)
I was given this opportunity to sit down, relax, chill out, re-calibrate, adjust, modify, and adapt to my life. 74 days ago to be exact, I was attacked and assaulted by my own internal systems. My own physical body had its own agenda that I knew 0 about. Were there warning signs of this potential risks for attack? Yes. Did I ignore them and just push through and continue with "business and life as usual?" Yes. Did I yet again pay a terribly painful price for this ignorance and disregard? Yes. I am not new to paying a price, I paid for my actions, behaviors, thoughts, for my entire life. I see a question on these forums that comes up quite often, and that question is "Does anxiety cause pain?".. The real, true, and factual answer to that question is.....YES. That answer is not negotiable in any way, so don't waste your time trying to analyze it..Save your brain cells for a time that you will really need them to be fully operational and in the right firing order. Trust this answer.
Throughout these forums I have posted multiple times about this, that, the other in general regard or response to anxiety. Sometimes I would throw things in from left field that would appear as "do not throw a tomatoe at a passenger side door of a police car,..cuz it just isn't cool". Well, I will tell you that there is not 1 single word, sentence, or comment that was false, misleading, made up, or untrue. I actually lived and or performed each and every event or story that you will find, on my own, with my own mind, my own hands. True. I spent the first 18 yrs, 2 months, and 2 days of my life being deviant, defiant, disastrous, destructive, destroyer and you may also include the 1 (D) word that will soon pop into your heads in a second...because honestly that is what I truly was. I was such a shy fella, quiet in demeanor in my elementary years, small in stature, smart, never studied but A's just kept landing everywhere around me. Champion at this, winner at that, leader in this, strongest in that...I know, my Mother clipped all the newspaper articles with my name mentioned throughout and they're in my attic right now. Awards, ribbons, trophys, plaques, certificates,..yadda yadda. Until 1 day when I received a report card in my 7th year of schooling. That day changed me, my life, my mind, my focus, my energy, my everything because..of the highest degree of demand that I placed upon myself. I saw a B+..My response, to the fact that I let myself down was..SNAP! From that day forward, I attacked and assaulted myself and anything else or anyone that ever so slightly brushed against my trigger which was as thin as a thread. It was not until I reached the exact age mentioned above that I stopped tearing everything apart. Literally. Even though I was extremely successful at anything I intended to do, it was all WRONG!
Now, had I not regained control of myself then I would not have been left alive to be blessed with 3 kids, and a grandson. I was fortunate enough, smart enough, strong enough, to cease and desist anything I was doing that was wrong, harmful, hurtful, life threatening. I was an addict. I was addicted to the VERY same chemical substance that you are ALL fighting against to regain control of your own lives and that evil villians name is "Mr. Adrenaline"...I was an actual "adrenaline junkie"...and all other endorphins that were released during these self-invented times of stressful events. My mind would seek out trouble, fights, adversarial threats, and any other sort of (highly risky behaviors, to produce the "HIGH").. You get the point..
That is the fundamental difference between ALL of you, and I..if you understand what it is that I just put into words for you all to read. You are so frustrated, infuriated, shaky, scared, afraid, nervous, hiding, running, and attempting to avoid and evade his control..over you. He was doing the exact words that I just typed for you..TO ME! I could always find him when I wished or wanted too, which was 1000's of times. Self-inflicted "panic attacks".. The very thing that you are all so tormented by that will not just leave you all be in peace and tranquility. If I could attack him, and assault him for the sake and sanity of all of you..I would. NO QUESTIONS ASKED..Seeing you all struggle here as I have seen for many days leaves me feeling helpless to help my fellow friends of this forum. I can not allow myself to become, the man I once was and take out my aggressions upon others because of an issue involving many that I can not control nor change for you. (I still have not seen my wife in days, after I accidentally allowed Mr. A back in for awhile as I was in attack mode because of the ignorance of a treatment option as given to one of our forum members who did everything she couldv'e done, accurately, correctly, to obtain the exact thing she needed to give her a sense of control..When she felt defeat, I too felt defeat even though I dont know her, nor see her. I wished to hunt down this Dr. for pushing her out of her office with a bag of f**kin bubblegum and a Flintstone vitamin). Can YOU feel the words that I just typed? Weird isn't it...(breathe)...
I will find my wife soon enough. You've ALL probably just read that sentence and thought to yourselves (OMG, he doesnt even know where his wife went a couple days ago because he had to lock HIMSELF into a room, to protect HER..and he doesnt seem to be worried, bothered, freakin out, concerned, alarmed, frantic, pacing, sending out search parties, filing an APB?)...No, I am not. Why?..Because she knows me to the core of me. I know her to the core of her. Think about this aspect for a moment, she is a Judge and has been for over 2 decades. Her job is to put people like I once was, behind bars to protect all of you. Do you think that the fact that she is a Public Official, A Politician, A Public Servant, and the fact that everyone she locks up also knows her real NAME makes my position here in this household easier or extremely difficult territory to navigate?...If you chose the right answer, do you think I struggle to maintain this high degree of complexity?...NOPE. My biggest struggle still resides inside of myself. The 1 question, that I can not accurately address but i have a general idea of what the cause of "The temporary loss of reality and perseption" is...It is schizophrenia. A temporary, momentary, lapse of "real life" caused by...yup, "Mr. Adrenalines" covert ability to sneak in on me but that is when I lose control for a min or two and then my mind takes over and demands for me to FLIGHT rather then what I did time, after time, after time, in my life..FIGHT. I never ran, prior to 26 years ago...now I must run to protect my friends, family, loved ones from me. I will NEVER fail at this task either..Now THAT is the real point in all this new thread,...
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO MIND OVER MATTER. MIND OVER ACTIONS. MIND OVER BEHAVIORS. MIND OVER HEALTH....
Your brain is the most powerful part, system, centerpiece of your entire body and all of its internal functions and ordered demands..
PLEASE I PRAY THAT SOMEONE, ANYONE, ALL OF YOU WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND THIS!! Because it is vital to your futures...
I will let you know what the Dr.'s answer is on Monday. Life or death...I will accept either answer as it is.
God bless you all.
Enduronman (Christoph)