What do i do now???

[Purpz]

I feel as though I've ruined my life!

I'm 30 and was diagnosed with depression 12 years ago.

I've spent these last 12 years trying to educate myself, to find a career, to keep any job I can find.
There are more holes in my resume than jobs.

I've never had a job longer than 18 months, and it's definitely NOT for a lack of trying.
I used to earn good money, now I'm looking at disability.

I feel disgusted in myself.
Why can't I just keep it together like everyone else?

I'll never own a home.
The only chance I will have to better my future children's lives with be an insurance policy.

I know people will judge me for not having a job, I judge me for it.
I don't feel like I'm good enough to associate with, I'm an embarrassment.

How can I keep going like this?

I'm so lost

[Purpz]

Hi Kev.

I feel like I spend more time lost than not lately.
It's so draining..

I've been seeing my psychiatrist on and off for maybe 5 or 6 years.
Keeping my appointments is probably a start...

I've seen counsellors and admitted myself into a psych ward.

I try to keep up with positive thinking, to talk to family and friends and just generally give myself a break from time to time.

It's hard to really confide in people as most don't understand and think I'm just a whinger.

I'm not sure how I will get through the next 40+ years of life with these feelings.

Purpz

[drksydeone]

Purpz

Listen to the language you are using on yourself. I know they are just thoughts and words but have so much impact in our belief in ourself. Try countering some of these thoughts. Tea forms. I will never own a home. That's a tad but fortune telling. I could be wrong but I'm not sure we can see our future. Not being a wide ass just trying to show you how this is such a bad habit. Change this dialogue in yourself. Tea forms can help.
Thought
I will never own a home

Error
Jumping to conclusions, blowing things out of proportion, reality filter

Analysis
Bullshit!! How can I possibly know this. These are my thoughts and it's a bad thinking habit that I have conditioned myself to listen to. The fact that I don't own a home now doesn't mean I couldn't possibly own one soon. This is something I can work towards. I can implement a plan to strive towards this.

Ok not my best tea form but writing this allows your thoughts not seem insurmountable. Hope this helps. Great book. Been there, done that, do this. By Sam Obitz.

[Damavandi]

Hi Purpz:

I simply direct you to my Thread " The Cure ?" at this (depression) forum.
The answer to your problem may be in this Thread.

Best wishes,
Ali

[Purpz]

Thank you to both of you...

Sometimes I feel hopeless, and days like today I can breathe and can enjoy life.

It's going to be a life long struggle but I'm up for it...

[drksydeone]

Purpz
I definitely hear you and have myself felt that same way. I love your attitude but heres one thing that I let go of that may also help. I'm tired of hearing the magic wand theory that many say and I stopped looking for the cure. I finally took some ownership for my anxiety and depression as it sounds you have as well. I have although began to notice small differences and celebrated the great moments I've had. Some of the ways I have done that are by tea forming. Tea forming is a great tool to use particularly when feeling down. Tea forming is a thought error analysis. If we counter some of these destructive thoughts and write them down I think they tend to start getting into our subconscious. Why would I think I'm a failure because I lost a job. Just an example.

T
I'm such a failure. I can't succeed at anything.

E
( there are 10 thinking errors by the way)
Naming, blowing out of proportion, extreme thinking are the 3 I see in this thought. So you identify the error. As I did.

A
Bullshit! That's just a bad thinking habit that I have conditioned myself to listen to. Just because I lost my job doesn't make me a failure. What is my definition of failure anyway? My words I use with myself are loaded and close to impossible to live up to. This doesn't serve me. How can I know what losing my job will bring. Chances are that I will embark on a passion of mine that I have been putting off. Keep filling in your holes and walk through the wall of fear. I know if I continue to work on changing my bad thinking habits that I will build a stronger foundation and in turn may succeed beyond my expectations. By the way expectations don't serve me either.
Something like that.
A better resource for tea forming can be found in Sam Obitz book called "been there done that, do this. It's a great way to see how bad we have conditioned our thinking habits.