finallyme
08-02-2012, 06:04 PM
Hello everyone,
I've been doing some thinking a lot this year and a lot of things have change for me so I thought I would share in hopes someone out there may find something in my story that cab help or at least relate to. The story may be long but if I shorten it I won't be able to explain everything.
The beginning:
I'm pretty sure I was born to be a social butterfly & used to love chatting with strangers. Growing up I would walk around with a smile and say "hi" to all the students in my school. That ended pretty fast.....my dad was in the army and we moved around a lot. I got used to not getting attached to people and then kids would pick on me. I ended up hating school, grades dropped and I was even hit by a truck by a guy who I didn't want to date. I dropped out of school in grade 10. Going home wasn't any better. My only "safe" place was full of abuse (all types). I'll share just one situation (too many to share). Christmas Eve my dad woke my sister & I out of bed to "hunt" down my mom who never came home. She was hiding a her friend's townhouse. My dad forced my sister & I to find her but we didn't look hard in fear of what could happen. My dad found her & dragged her from her hair down two flights of steps. In front of my sister, me and the people that were there he kicked her in the head with his combat boots til she bled. I can't remember anything past that. Parents divorced when I was 6. I never heard from my mom til I was 15. After being hit by the truck I ran away from home and moved to a different city with a promise to myself I would never go back & I never did.
On my own I went through a lot of crazy times...I could say some good, some bad but really it was a learning experience. My "love" (Tony) I was with was in a car accident & ended up paralyzed from the neck down. He moved away to be with his family. Next boyfriend I had was murdered. I was pregnant at 18. Through out my 20's I did a lot of raving & wild stuff that goes with it.
Since I've always loved health I stopped raving and became a gym rat. That was my passion.....my new drug. Not sure what happened but one day I was coming down the stairs really dizzy and thought I was having a heart attack. This was my first panic attack. I stopped going to the gym & never returned for about 6 years. Not returning was the worst thing I ever did. After the first panic attack it became habit. Everyday became all the time including while I slept. I would wake up afraid I stopped breathing. Experiencing that I became obsessed with checking my pulse. This turned into checking my doors, windows, behind my back. I felt like I was a crack head! Of coarse this was so stressful depression came along with anxiety, panic, ocd & suicidal thoughts.
I finally went to a medical doctor and with in 10minutes I'm given prescription drugs. Part of me thinks it did help but the side affects were horrible so I went to see psychologists. In the end I found nothing really helped & I was becoming broke. I decided then to start purchasing books which I became obsessed with. I feel at the time it gave me some knowledge but the techniques I couldn't do because at this point I had agoraphobia. I also have a fear of driving, social phobia & acrophobia. I believe a lot of these things are like stems to one major thing. Fear feeds fear and it sure did for me.
About 4 years ago I decide to come off my medication cold turkey...which I don't suggest doing cold turkey. I went through some serious withdrawals. Not to mention withdrawals from about 6 years of party drugs. Days I laid on my couch crying, not eating and then eating. Not leaving my condo because I was paranoid. Not going to hang out with my friends (made excuses). I hid my secret as best as I could & it was easy since I was independent, owned my own condo, had my son in private school....I was a good role model on the outside. I worked online and worked a lot. I ended up dating and living with a guy who was no good for me. He didn't have my issues but til this day I think he's the one missing marbles! Anyhow my condo ended up in foreclosure....my life spinning out of control, feeling like I was losing everything. But it was the best thing for me....just didn't see it at the time.
After I move & kick the guy to the curb something changed in me. I'm not sure what and how to explain this but for the first time in my life I wanted and needed to be alone and face my self, my inner demons. The only way I knew how was to "rewrite" my life.....like the "Butterfly Effect". I went to a holistic therapist who had told me this one thing that stuck in my mind. "Forgiving doesn't me you condone. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Its ok to divorce people". That statement did something for me. I decided to rent a place close to where I grew up, get a dog...same kind as what I had as a child & take all of my party photos & family photos and burn them in my fire pit outside. I cried & cried....good tears. I also through out all my "anxiety" books, the reason why I did this was I felt I was focusing on the "problem". I replaced these books with positive books & filled my mind with positive things on a daily basis. I phoned my dad and say "I love you & forgive you". I did it for me this time. I wasn't excepting anything much but amazing things started to happen. My dad forgave himself & admitted to everything. A side note my dad is 65 and only has a few years left to live but now I did something good for someone. My life at this point started to change big time. I got myself in the gym again 5 days a week. I'm eating super healthy minus weekends...even was vegan for awhile. I through out all my party clothes, divorced party friends, took a lot of people off my facebook...actually on my minifeed all I have view able it either positive or funny quotes. I rarely watch tv and absolutely no news of any kind. I am still off meds & have been happily single for 14months.
Things I do now are: acupuncture, herbs & vitamins. I also make sure I exercise daily & eat healthy. I am registered to do a bike ride for Cancer in June 2013. Some things I have been able to over come: going back to the gym, flying in a plane, going to lunch or anywhere I want to by myself, say yes to all events and fun things with my friends and this one is huge for me but I can cross high bridges. Just yesterday I crossed 4 without no problem. Just a month ago Idid the "reverse bungee jump". I guess the one main thing I did was stop fighting and my phrase word in my mind is "whatever"...to me it means no big deal. In a sense I started to care more about myself and put myself number one. Much of this I learned from my 17yr old son who is wise beyond his years & so blessed to have him part of my life. Through all the struggles it was all worth it. I still have an issue with public speaking but "whatever" it will come in time.
Obviously this didn't come as easy as I may write my experience but it did come...one step at a time. I'm not 100% free but I am very close.
Everyone can change...but you gotta be the change you want.
A few things that may help anyone out there:
If you hate big stores...stick to the small ones and keep returning. Don't think about the big ones just get so comfortable that it doesn't matter if you go to a big one or not.
Exercise....no matter what you are doing just move your body
Get some sun light & fresh air
Get plenty of sleep
There are foods that heal & foods that kill. Whether you eat meat or not add more veggies. Limit all stimulants (sugar, coffee, condiments etc)
When you are feeling anxious....picture a red stop sign in your mind and change what you call it. Call it "high energy"
When you feel shy...replace that with "I'm quiet" or "I'm a listener".
Don't hold grudges including ones you have on yourself.
Take as many steps as you want at your pace when you want. Congratulate yourself and keep trying.
Stop thinking about what others are thinking about you....its easy to do if you tell yourself thats a self centered act. When you can put yourself number one you will become so happy that you will naturally make others feel important & you will actually enjoy being around people so much that you can't wait to socialize.
Research herbs, vitamins, amino acids. I think I tested them all out lol.
Just be you and who gives a rats *** what anyone thinks.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself to change but take some steps. If things aren't changing take a different route.
When you are completly happy with yourself by yourself amazing things will happen.
I hope my story has brought some light into someone else's life.
I've been doing some thinking a lot this year and a lot of things have change for me so I thought I would share in hopes someone out there may find something in my story that cab help or at least relate to. The story may be long but if I shorten it I won't be able to explain everything.
The beginning:
I'm pretty sure I was born to be a social butterfly & used to love chatting with strangers. Growing up I would walk around with a smile and say "hi" to all the students in my school. That ended pretty fast.....my dad was in the army and we moved around a lot. I got used to not getting attached to people and then kids would pick on me. I ended up hating school, grades dropped and I was even hit by a truck by a guy who I didn't want to date. I dropped out of school in grade 10. Going home wasn't any better. My only "safe" place was full of abuse (all types). I'll share just one situation (too many to share). Christmas Eve my dad woke my sister & I out of bed to "hunt" down my mom who never came home. She was hiding a her friend's townhouse. My dad forced my sister & I to find her but we didn't look hard in fear of what could happen. My dad found her & dragged her from her hair down two flights of steps. In front of my sister, me and the people that were there he kicked her in the head with his combat boots til she bled. I can't remember anything past that. Parents divorced when I was 6. I never heard from my mom til I was 15. After being hit by the truck I ran away from home and moved to a different city with a promise to myself I would never go back & I never did.
On my own I went through a lot of crazy times...I could say some good, some bad but really it was a learning experience. My "love" (Tony) I was with was in a car accident & ended up paralyzed from the neck down. He moved away to be with his family. Next boyfriend I had was murdered. I was pregnant at 18. Through out my 20's I did a lot of raving & wild stuff that goes with it.
Since I've always loved health I stopped raving and became a gym rat. That was my passion.....my new drug. Not sure what happened but one day I was coming down the stairs really dizzy and thought I was having a heart attack. This was my first panic attack. I stopped going to the gym & never returned for about 6 years. Not returning was the worst thing I ever did. After the first panic attack it became habit. Everyday became all the time including while I slept. I would wake up afraid I stopped breathing. Experiencing that I became obsessed with checking my pulse. This turned into checking my doors, windows, behind my back. I felt like I was a crack head! Of coarse this was so stressful depression came along with anxiety, panic, ocd & suicidal thoughts.
I finally went to a medical doctor and with in 10minutes I'm given prescription drugs. Part of me thinks it did help but the side affects were horrible so I went to see psychologists. In the end I found nothing really helped & I was becoming broke. I decided then to start purchasing books which I became obsessed with. I feel at the time it gave me some knowledge but the techniques I couldn't do because at this point I had agoraphobia. I also have a fear of driving, social phobia & acrophobia. I believe a lot of these things are like stems to one major thing. Fear feeds fear and it sure did for me.
About 4 years ago I decide to come off my medication cold turkey...which I don't suggest doing cold turkey. I went through some serious withdrawals. Not to mention withdrawals from about 6 years of party drugs. Days I laid on my couch crying, not eating and then eating. Not leaving my condo because I was paranoid. Not going to hang out with my friends (made excuses). I hid my secret as best as I could & it was easy since I was independent, owned my own condo, had my son in private school....I was a good role model on the outside. I worked online and worked a lot. I ended up dating and living with a guy who was no good for me. He didn't have my issues but til this day I think he's the one missing marbles! Anyhow my condo ended up in foreclosure....my life spinning out of control, feeling like I was losing everything. But it was the best thing for me....just didn't see it at the time.
After I move & kick the guy to the curb something changed in me. I'm not sure what and how to explain this but for the first time in my life I wanted and needed to be alone and face my self, my inner demons. The only way I knew how was to "rewrite" my life.....like the "Butterfly Effect". I went to a holistic therapist who had told me this one thing that stuck in my mind. "Forgiving doesn't me you condone. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Its ok to divorce people". That statement did something for me. I decided to rent a place close to where I grew up, get a dog...same kind as what I had as a child & take all of my party photos & family photos and burn them in my fire pit outside. I cried & cried....good tears. I also through out all my "anxiety" books, the reason why I did this was I felt I was focusing on the "problem". I replaced these books with positive books & filled my mind with positive things on a daily basis. I phoned my dad and say "I love you & forgive you". I did it for me this time. I wasn't excepting anything much but amazing things started to happen. My dad forgave himself & admitted to everything. A side note my dad is 65 and only has a few years left to live but now I did something good for someone. My life at this point started to change big time. I got myself in the gym again 5 days a week. I'm eating super healthy minus weekends...even was vegan for awhile. I through out all my party clothes, divorced party friends, took a lot of people off my facebook...actually on my minifeed all I have view able it either positive or funny quotes. I rarely watch tv and absolutely no news of any kind. I am still off meds & have been happily single for 14months.
Things I do now are: acupuncture, herbs & vitamins. I also make sure I exercise daily & eat healthy. I am registered to do a bike ride for Cancer in June 2013. Some things I have been able to over come: going back to the gym, flying in a plane, going to lunch or anywhere I want to by myself, say yes to all events and fun things with my friends and this one is huge for me but I can cross high bridges. Just yesterday I crossed 4 without no problem. Just a month ago Idid the "reverse bungee jump". I guess the one main thing I did was stop fighting and my phrase word in my mind is "whatever"...to me it means no big deal. In a sense I started to care more about myself and put myself number one. Much of this I learned from my 17yr old son who is wise beyond his years & so blessed to have him part of my life. Through all the struggles it was all worth it. I still have an issue with public speaking but "whatever" it will come in time.
Obviously this didn't come as easy as I may write my experience but it did come...one step at a time. I'm not 100% free but I am very close.
Everyone can change...but you gotta be the change you want.
A few things that may help anyone out there:
If you hate big stores...stick to the small ones and keep returning. Don't think about the big ones just get so comfortable that it doesn't matter if you go to a big one or not.
Exercise....no matter what you are doing just move your body
Get some sun light & fresh air
Get plenty of sleep
There are foods that heal & foods that kill. Whether you eat meat or not add more veggies. Limit all stimulants (sugar, coffee, condiments etc)
When you are feeling anxious....picture a red stop sign in your mind and change what you call it. Call it "high energy"
When you feel shy...replace that with "I'm quiet" or "I'm a listener".
Don't hold grudges including ones you have on yourself.
Take as many steps as you want at your pace when you want. Congratulate yourself and keep trying.
Stop thinking about what others are thinking about you....its easy to do if you tell yourself thats a self centered act. When you can put yourself number one you will become so happy that you will naturally make others feel important & you will actually enjoy being around people so much that you can't wait to socialize.
Research herbs, vitamins, amino acids. I think I tested them all out lol.
Just be you and who gives a rats *** what anyone thinks.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself to change but take some steps. If things aren't changing take a different route.
When you are completly happy with yourself by yourself amazing things will happen.
I hope my story has brought some light into someone else's life.