random_101
07-26-2012, 02:56 PM
Hi all,
I've joined and wanted to write this post to get some of my thoughts out on 'paper' and see if hopefully some people can relate.
I'm a 28 year-old guy who has been dealing with anxiety for about 2 years now.
About 3 years ago I went through a horrible, traumatic period in my life where four people in my life died in the space of about 6 months including a girl the same age as me whom I totally adored and a family member who committed suicide.
Cue 1 year later when I moved to another country to start a new career and I started experiencing anxiety symptoms (I had to google the symptoms to even realise that this was what people called 'anxiety').
Over the period of the last year I've finally started to accept that I have an anxiety problem, although in some sort of male 'macho-ism,' I've resisted that there's even been a problem - the 'leave it alone and it will go away' approach, if you will.
And each step along the way when I thought things couldn't get much worse, it did. It started with panic attacks and worrying about my hands shaking. Then after another death back home I became convinced that I was going to piss myself in public and in class. Then there's also the worry and fear that I'm going to take random erections (crazy, I know). Sometimes, if I didn't laugh about this, I'd cry. It's almost as if no area of my life is spared - it's always there.
Recently things have taken a turn for the worse. I've been having horrible, detestable, gut-wrenching intrusive thoughts; thoughts of violence and, to my disgust, horrible sexual images. I've been doing some googling and, to my relief, I don't appear to be alone. These things are, however, taking a horrible toll on my mind. It's like a slide-show of my worst fears about myself being played constantly.
I'm fairly convinced that it's a form of OCD. And, wow, this is like a living hell.
I've been having night terrors where I feel like I'm being chased by a demon and in my dream I scream at the top of my lungs to wake up because this thing is going to get me. I then wake up terrified, heart racing, and find it really hard to get to sleep. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep now.
I'm a medical student and, as I'm sure you can imagine, trying to complete a medical degree with all this shit going on isn't easy. I love my life and I love the thought of being a doctor and the thought of all this stuff getting in the way leads me to feelings of darkness and depression. I try to flip my perspective and think that experiencing this will give me great first-hand insight into mental illness and the scientist in me can take some solace in that.
I can definitely see how if I'd been born in another place and time, I would feel like I had been possessed by a devil of some sort.
And the worse of it is I feel tremendous shame about this whole thing, as if somehow I've brought this on myself, as if somehow I should 'snap out of it' and just get on with things. Crazy, huh? It's the horrible stigma of mental health.
I feel mentally exhausted. I would never even consider suicide but sometimes I take solace in the thought that death would be a relief. Because this is like mental torture. In my head, I've likened it to something akin to water torture - the 'drip, drip, drip' of horrible thoughts, wearing me down.
I'm a fighter, though. I want to get better. I try and read and understand because understanding and connecting with people going through the same thing helps me feel like a little burden has been lifted.
I can't help but feel really low and depressed at the thought that this is going to derail my life. It's like the colour has been sucked out of everything. Every time I think about something that I love doing, it's tied up with thoughts of pissing myself and 'being found out' with all these horrible images in my head. It's like a short-circuit of my mind.
Life just isn't enjoyable right now.
Where do I go from here? There's still a big part of me that's afraid to ask for help (something I need to get over, I know). I'm convinced that I have developed (or, starting to develop) ODC. I've always had an obsessive personality but that's one of the reasons that I've been good in school, good at sports, good at playing musical instruments to a high level.
It's like my mind has turned on me and what was once a great ally is now my worst enemy.
I feel worn out.
I've joined and wanted to write this post to get some of my thoughts out on 'paper' and see if hopefully some people can relate.
I'm a 28 year-old guy who has been dealing with anxiety for about 2 years now.
About 3 years ago I went through a horrible, traumatic period in my life where four people in my life died in the space of about 6 months including a girl the same age as me whom I totally adored and a family member who committed suicide.
Cue 1 year later when I moved to another country to start a new career and I started experiencing anxiety symptoms (I had to google the symptoms to even realise that this was what people called 'anxiety').
Over the period of the last year I've finally started to accept that I have an anxiety problem, although in some sort of male 'macho-ism,' I've resisted that there's even been a problem - the 'leave it alone and it will go away' approach, if you will.
And each step along the way when I thought things couldn't get much worse, it did. It started with panic attacks and worrying about my hands shaking. Then after another death back home I became convinced that I was going to piss myself in public and in class. Then there's also the worry and fear that I'm going to take random erections (crazy, I know). Sometimes, if I didn't laugh about this, I'd cry. It's almost as if no area of my life is spared - it's always there.
Recently things have taken a turn for the worse. I've been having horrible, detestable, gut-wrenching intrusive thoughts; thoughts of violence and, to my disgust, horrible sexual images. I've been doing some googling and, to my relief, I don't appear to be alone. These things are, however, taking a horrible toll on my mind. It's like a slide-show of my worst fears about myself being played constantly.
I'm fairly convinced that it's a form of OCD. And, wow, this is like a living hell.
I've been having night terrors where I feel like I'm being chased by a demon and in my dream I scream at the top of my lungs to wake up because this thing is going to get me. I then wake up terrified, heart racing, and find it really hard to get to sleep. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep now.
I'm a medical student and, as I'm sure you can imagine, trying to complete a medical degree with all this shit going on isn't easy. I love my life and I love the thought of being a doctor and the thought of all this stuff getting in the way leads me to feelings of darkness and depression. I try to flip my perspective and think that experiencing this will give me great first-hand insight into mental illness and the scientist in me can take some solace in that.
I can definitely see how if I'd been born in another place and time, I would feel like I had been possessed by a devil of some sort.
And the worse of it is I feel tremendous shame about this whole thing, as if somehow I've brought this on myself, as if somehow I should 'snap out of it' and just get on with things. Crazy, huh? It's the horrible stigma of mental health.
I feel mentally exhausted. I would never even consider suicide but sometimes I take solace in the thought that death would be a relief. Because this is like mental torture. In my head, I've likened it to something akin to water torture - the 'drip, drip, drip' of horrible thoughts, wearing me down.
I'm a fighter, though. I want to get better. I try and read and understand because understanding and connecting with people going through the same thing helps me feel like a little burden has been lifted.
I can't help but feel really low and depressed at the thought that this is going to derail my life. It's like the colour has been sucked out of everything. Every time I think about something that I love doing, it's tied up with thoughts of pissing myself and 'being found out' with all these horrible images in my head. It's like a short-circuit of my mind.
Life just isn't enjoyable right now.
Where do I go from here? There's still a big part of me that's afraid to ask for help (something I need to get over, I know). I'm convinced that I have developed (or, starting to develop) ODC. I've always had an obsessive personality but that's one of the reasons that I've been good in school, good at sports, good at playing musical instruments to a high level.
It's like my mind has turned on me and what was once a great ally is now my worst enemy.
I feel worn out.