I feel like I'm in mental hell.

[random_101]

Hi all,

I've joined and wanted to write this post to get some of my thoughts out on 'paper' and see if hopefully some people can relate.

I'm a 28 year-old guy who has been dealing with anxiety for about 2 years now.

About 3 years ago I went through a horrible, traumatic period in my life where four people in my life died in the space of about 6 months including a girl the same age as me whom I totally adored and a family member who committed suicide.

Cue 1 year later when I moved to another country to start a new career and I started experiencing anxiety symptoms (I had to google the symptoms to even realise that this was what people called 'anxiety').

Over the period of the last year I've finally started to accept that I have an anxiety problem, although in some sort of male 'macho-ism,' I've resisted that there's even been a problem - the 'leave it alone and it will go away' approach, if you will.

And each step along the way when I thought things couldn't get much worse, it did. It started with panic attacks and worrying about my hands shaking. Then after another death back home I became convinced that I was going to piss myself in public and in class. Then there's also the worry and fear that I'm going to take random erections (crazy, I know). Sometimes, if I didn't laugh about this, I'd cry. It's almost as if no area of my life is spared - it's always there.

Recently things have taken a turn for the worse. I've been having horrible, detestable, gut-wrenching intrusive thoughts; thoughts of violence and, to my disgust, horrible sexual images. I've been doing some googling and, to my relief, I don't appear to be alone. These things are, however, taking a horrible toll on my mind. It's like a slide-show of my worst fears about myself being played constantly.

I'm fairly convinced that it's a form of OCD. And, wow, this is like a living hell.

I've been having night terrors where I feel like I'm being chased by a demon and in my dream I scream at the top of my lungs to wake up because this thing is going to get me. I then wake up terrified, heart racing, and find it really hard to get to sleep. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep now.

I'm a medical student and, as I'm sure you can imagine, trying to complete a medical degree with all this shit going on isn't easy. I love my life and I love the thought of being a doctor and the thought of all this stuff getting in the way leads me to feelings of darkness and depression. I try to flip my perspective and think that experiencing this will give me great first-hand insight into mental illness and the scientist in me can take some solace in that.

I can definitely see how if I'd been born in another place and time, I would feel like I had been possessed by a devil of some sort.

And the worse of it is I feel tremendous shame about this whole thing, as if somehow I've brought this on myself, as if somehow I should 'snap out of it' and just get on with things. Crazy, huh? It's the horrible stigma of mental health.

I feel mentally exhausted. I would never even consider suicide but sometimes I take solace in the thought that death would be a relief. Because this is like mental torture. In my head, I've likened it to something akin to water torture - the 'drip, drip, drip' of horrible thoughts, wearing me down.

I'm a fighter, though. I want to get better. I try and read and understand because understanding and connecting with people going through the same thing helps me feel like a little burden has been lifted.

I can't help but feel really low and depressed at the thought that this is going to derail my life. It's like the colour has been sucked out of everything. Every time I think about something that I love doing, it's tied up with thoughts of pissing myself and 'being found out' with all these horrible images in my head. It's like a short-circuit of my mind.

Life just isn't enjoyable right now.

Where do I go from here? There's still a big part of me that's afraid to ask for help (something I need to get over, I know). I'm convinced that I have developed (or, starting to develop) ODC. I've always had an obsessive personality but that's one of the reasons that I've been good in school, good at sports, good at playing musical instruments to a high level.

It's like my mind has turned on me and what was once a great ally is now my worst enemy.

I feel worn out.

[sharjen]

Hi- do u feel abit better writing that post? I did on the 1st post it's like a weights been listed- I get the average anxiety symptoms- hypercondria and paranoia so I know about irrational thoughts even though not of that nature- I do however know someone very close to me that has very similar issues to what you have and its ripping him apart- he refuses to seek help because of the fear of them thinking he's strange- do u go to therapy / take medication? Have u told any professional about this?

[dazza]

Howdy

You sound like an intelligent person and, dare I say it... one who thinks perhaps a little TOO much?

I'm getting confusion, self analysis, doubt and an unfavourable prognosis from your post, all of which is probably way exaggerated and typically irrational from one who suffers anxiety disorder and/or depression.

I can understand that, being a medical student you feel that developing anxiety disorder is not a good start for you. Kinda ironic really... (but goes to show that just coz ya got a stethoscope round ya neck - you're not immune :-P )

Having gone from a completely level-headed, laid back kinda guy, to someone fearing having a shower and even walking up stairs in just a few months - I am very aware of how quickly our minds can completely change state, (and of course of the tricks and torture it can set upon us)
Almost ANYTHING is possible with anxiety... so nothing in your post surprises me.

Ok, so you've had sexual thoughts about the 70 year old, toothless hag of a toilet cleaner on C-Ward... so what? Not as if you're actually gonna do anything is it?
Just have a laugh at those thoughts & don't analyse.

Life isn't particularly enjoyable for anyone with mid-to-high end anxiety disorder, so join the (1 in 10 people) party on that one.

You'll be alright in the end. Just make sure you seek the relevent help to get you past this chapter.

[surfacing]

Hi there,

A few years ago I was having intrusive, horrible thoughts. Not sexual ones like you, but I do occasionally have slightly distressing dreams. I'd see scary faces out of the corner of my eye, and have weird thoughts.
Your thoughts are not you. You'll find that you're not alone, at all. Try to accept that the thoughts are not your fault, they are not a reflection on you, and they do not mean you are a bad person. They are virtually designed to upset you.
I'm certainly not qualified to say so but it seems like you might be experiencing some psychosis, or 'mental ruminations' as my counsellor once called them. I was given Risperdal for a while, which really, really helped. It's an antipsychotic but it's recommended for extreme anxiety, too. So if you describe these things to someone, hopefully they can give you something that can really help. Sometimes extreme anxiety and trauma can cause things like that to temporarily happen. It sounds like you had a terrible time, and, like me - have, rather than giving yourself time out, tried to run off and start a new life and carry on, putting more stress on yourself than you can actually deal with. Maybe you are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder?

I can't imagine trying to complete a medical degree with all that going on. I barely got through a graphic design degree with just my normal anxiety/depression, and I took a lot of short cuts.

I think high achievers who put a lot of pressure on themselves always have a double edged sword on their hands. You're not superhuman. It's okay to be having trouble and not be perfect. Try to get help! It will only help you to achieve more in the future instead of breaking down and burning out. Look after yourself. x

[tstont]

I've dealt with intrusive thoughts for years. The biggest help I found was taking Omega 3's with the highest "EPA" you can find. The one I take has 800 units of EPA (these are usually in the "once a day" Omegas. It cut my intrusive thinking by about 90%. Worth trying! Omega 3's are good for you.
Todd

[Sedigive]

I have them too but they are not sexual. They are about people being hurt. I especially worry about my husband. It annoys him. He is like "look I am an adult I can handle driving and whatever". I guess for me it is a fear of loss. I also have a lot of bad thoughts about loosing my job or my own health.

[cork730]

Hey man,

I felt like I was reading my own story. Same age, same sensations, same reluctance to seek help. There are a few things that have helped me over the past year that I have been suffering. PM me if you want to discuss. Biggest thing to understand is that the thoughts you are having aren't you. The more you push the thoughts away, the more they will get to you. If you begin to accept them and actually invite them, you will gain control over them. Invite them in to stay! Put out the welcome mat and get on with your day.

[kzac]

I so know where you are right now! I know its not manly but you really need to talk to someone perhaps a trusted lecturer or uni counsellor doctor anyone a problem shared a problem halved and all that they wont think bad of you i promise, if one thing i have learnt in sll this anxiety shite is more people than you imagine understand or even been there themselves! Dont let the intrusive thoughts scare you that is their oxygen to a flame the more you fear them the more they will burn! They are a big symtom of anxiety you will not act on them let them come in to your head and then pass out again! Relaxation tapes last thing at night helped me get a good nights sleep and everything always seems so much better when u get good sleep not manly again i know but hey who's going to know!

Kellyx