surfacing
07-25-2012, 11:04 AM
Hi everyone,
I am sorry to dive right in with a crisis without really introducing myself, but I guess you get that a lot!
I have written an email to a counsellor I was seeing which I just wanted to post here to see what other people's experiences are like.
I am getting a lot of advice like wait it out, sleep on it, etc, instead of running away like I always do, but... I feel like I want them to fire me, to make the decision for me, so I can just go on benefits for a while or find a new job, again, but then the same thing will happen again. I think they might fire me anyway.
A lot of things have been happening in my personal life, and in relationships, too, and I've been pretty down for the last few months. Work was absolutely fantastic up until about a month and a half ago, and I've suddenly become incredibly miserable, tired, depressed, angry and have started to dislike the people I work for.
___
Hi Jim,
I would like to make an appointment if possible.
I am sorry to send you such a long email, if you can't look at it in your own time maybe we could just read it in a session so you are paid for your time.
It looks likely I a going to lose my job one way or another, I have been on a bit of a downward spiral and feeling extremely anxious and unhappy at work. They have taken me aside and said my work has slipped and isn't good enough, and I feel very unhappy there and keep crying. I had a hyperventilating panic attack and had feelings of dissociation while they were talking to me. A few weeks ago I had to take a week off due to feeling exhausted, dizzy, faint, weak and confused, so much so I couldn't really do much other than sit on the sofa for several days, and when I took my pulse it was 51. I saw the doctor but he couldn't find anything physically wrong with me, and I asked to be referred to a mental health team to get whatever additional help I can in terms of reviewing my medication. Do I have bipolar disorder? Could they try mood stabilizers? Can they sign me off on incapacity benefit, is there a chance I could still get such a thing under the new government? Since then I've felt that my bosses have held me at arms' length, have been whispering about me, and that something has been wrong. They asked me to take the sickness as holiday and didn't ask how I was when I got back so I thought they thought I was lying. They have also taken my keys off me as they are employing new staff and they don't want everyone to have keys, so in the morning I have to stand outside the office until they arrive, which feels slightly humiliating. They said since my review, where if you'll remember I was given a payrise and a glowing review, my work has slipped. To be honest I think some of the things they've 'noticed' are just the way I have always worked. Not using file heirarchies properly etc.
I wasn't sure if the whispering, feelings etc were my imagination but they've now raised various problems that they have with the way I work, and I've matched up the issues they've had with the times I thought they were whispering in the corner about me, and know that I wasn't imagining it.
I feel extremely sick, dizzy, vague, confused and have been having suicidal thoughts, because a similar pattern has happened with countless jobs I have had. A honeymoon period, then suddenly everything collapses and I feel like all relationships have broken down, I can't carry on my job without crying all the time, I may break down one or several times in front of my boss, I'm too upset to work and I feel terrified about asserting myself and so I usually leave, either by sneaking away and not saying anything at all or by going home and maybe resigning by email. This is what is happening now. I am trying my best not to fall prey to this pattern but I don't feel strong enough to be able to do it any other way.
I think it is clear I can't cope with a 9 to 5 job, but I am scared about my options. I also feel like a failure for being a coward again. I am worried about what James and I will do if neither of us can work, or if I keep on with the same pattern. I have thought about killing myself but I don't want to leave James. I thought about this a lot last night.
I am not sure if I can afford to see you for much longer or if it is the right route. I think I might have to go and stay with James' parents, where I have stayed before, or my mother for a while. This happens over and over and over again and I am deeply disappointed and ashamed that it is happening again.
Today I have gone home at lunchtime and said I am having an anxiety attack. They are not pleased with me. In the office I am watched closely and the atmosphere feels very toxic. I feel sick and vague. I have done my absolute best over the last few weeks but I don't think I can do what they want me to do. The last time I left a job like this I surreptitiously packed up all my things and actually literally ran away down the road, after feeling very anxious for several weeks and making lots of stupid mistakes, to the point where I couldn't bear to stick around anymore, after I really ballsed up a job by sending the wrong file to print on an expensive banner. Again I have packed up my things quietly and gone to lunch with very little intention of returning.
I have been referred to the ladywood mental health team. I am wondering about benefits etc and if this could be an option for me. I don't have much faith in their system, particularly after calling them up and being accidentally put on hold by a woman who seemed fairly confused, and because of my experiences in the past. However I am on quite a high dose of citalopram and if there is any alternative that might help me more then I need to try it and in order to do that I need to see a doctor.
Lots of people give me practical sensible advice but it makes me feel really angry because I feel like they don't know how hard I am trying and I have already considered what they say. That if I carry on with my job then everything will be okay and don't make a big deal about it, just try harder to do what they want, but I have tried as hard as I can. I know that is not the right way of looking at things and I am battling with that too.
I am sorry to send you such a long email.
____
And I am drafting an email to my bosses. The first is the edited version, and I've been told I should probably leave it overnight before doing anything. I went into work this morning and lasted until lunchtime before running away again.
I am a creative artworker, 25 years old. Artworker is less creative than it sounds, more about getting things ready for print so being technical and regimented, with some design, but my mind is a mess and I am not a regimented worker or thinker, being extremely anxious and fatigued a lot of the time.
____
Hi --- and ---,
I am very sorry to leave you in the lurch today.
I felt very anxious and had some panic issues at lunchtime.
I apologize that I reacted emotionally to your concerns, I realize that criticism should be able to be given without an emotional reaction. I have been trying very hard to work in the regimented, organized way that you want me to, but have found it difficult to work in a regimented way, and this means I can be inconsistent.
I am not sure that I am able to work in the manner that you want me to, but I am doing my best. I am aware that I am behind with a few things so have tried hard to focus and get things done but I am still not sure that the rate at which I work is fast enough even working through lunch, and I have found it difficult to work for prolonged periods to compensate without getting tension headaches and fatigue. I am not sure how to address this.
____
Some bits i edited out:
I have felt really worried since I have been away and sensed that you had some concerns and that you had been discussing me, and this has made me feel unwell. I appreciate that you raised the issues with me to try to help me, but had I realised at the time maybe I could have explained or done better. I did plan to arrange some holiday earlier on in the summer as I felt that I was becoming exhausted, but had not yet received my entitlement or details of a convenient time.
I feel that some of the issues you raise are historical rather than new and are things that I am still working on, for instance using the filing system consistently and tidily and the speed of my work, which is something I was concerned about from the beginning. I try to work to your particular standards and for me that sometimes takes a lot of tweaking and moving things around. You have asked me to ask when I am not sure, but when approaching a design I am rarely sure how I am going to do it and see it as a problem solving exercise. As an anxious person, I am never particularly sure of anything. Sometimes Ben is not available to ask and I have felt that I should finish things on my own in order to be faster.
______
I am tired of all this. I don't suppose anyone has any advice I haven't already been given, and I don't want to hear any of it, I just want to hide.
I am sorry to dive right in with a crisis without really introducing myself, but I guess you get that a lot!
I have written an email to a counsellor I was seeing which I just wanted to post here to see what other people's experiences are like.
I am getting a lot of advice like wait it out, sleep on it, etc, instead of running away like I always do, but... I feel like I want them to fire me, to make the decision for me, so I can just go on benefits for a while or find a new job, again, but then the same thing will happen again. I think they might fire me anyway.
A lot of things have been happening in my personal life, and in relationships, too, and I've been pretty down for the last few months. Work was absolutely fantastic up until about a month and a half ago, and I've suddenly become incredibly miserable, tired, depressed, angry and have started to dislike the people I work for.
___
Hi Jim,
I would like to make an appointment if possible.
I am sorry to send you such a long email, if you can't look at it in your own time maybe we could just read it in a session so you are paid for your time.
It looks likely I a going to lose my job one way or another, I have been on a bit of a downward spiral and feeling extremely anxious and unhappy at work. They have taken me aside and said my work has slipped and isn't good enough, and I feel very unhappy there and keep crying. I had a hyperventilating panic attack and had feelings of dissociation while they were talking to me. A few weeks ago I had to take a week off due to feeling exhausted, dizzy, faint, weak and confused, so much so I couldn't really do much other than sit on the sofa for several days, and when I took my pulse it was 51. I saw the doctor but he couldn't find anything physically wrong with me, and I asked to be referred to a mental health team to get whatever additional help I can in terms of reviewing my medication. Do I have bipolar disorder? Could they try mood stabilizers? Can they sign me off on incapacity benefit, is there a chance I could still get such a thing under the new government? Since then I've felt that my bosses have held me at arms' length, have been whispering about me, and that something has been wrong. They asked me to take the sickness as holiday and didn't ask how I was when I got back so I thought they thought I was lying. They have also taken my keys off me as they are employing new staff and they don't want everyone to have keys, so in the morning I have to stand outside the office until they arrive, which feels slightly humiliating. They said since my review, where if you'll remember I was given a payrise and a glowing review, my work has slipped. To be honest I think some of the things they've 'noticed' are just the way I have always worked. Not using file heirarchies properly etc.
I wasn't sure if the whispering, feelings etc were my imagination but they've now raised various problems that they have with the way I work, and I've matched up the issues they've had with the times I thought they were whispering in the corner about me, and know that I wasn't imagining it.
I feel extremely sick, dizzy, vague, confused and have been having suicidal thoughts, because a similar pattern has happened with countless jobs I have had. A honeymoon period, then suddenly everything collapses and I feel like all relationships have broken down, I can't carry on my job without crying all the time, I may break down one or several times in front of my boss, I'm too upset to work and I feel terrified about asserting myself and so I usually leave, either by sneaking away and not saying anything at all or by going home and maybe resigning by email. This is what is happening now. I am trying my best not to fall prey to this pattern but I don't feel strong enough to be able to do it any other way.
I think it is clear I can't cope with a 9 to 5 job, but I am scared about my options. I also feel like a failure for being a coward again. I am worried about what James and I will do if neither of us can work, or if I keep on with the same pattern. I have thought about killing myself but I don't want to leave James. I thought about this a lot last night.
I am not sure if I can afford to see you for much longer or if it is the right route. I think I might have to go and stay with James' parents, where I have stayed before, or my mother for a while. This happens over and over and over again and I am deeply disappointed and ashamed that it is happening again.
Today I have gone home at lunchtime and said I am having an anxiety attack. They are not pleased with me. In the office I am watched closely and the atmosphere feels very toxic. I feel sick and vague. I have done my absolute best over the last few weeks but I don't think I can do what they want me to do. The last time I left a job like this I surreptitiously packed up all my things and actually literally ran away down the road, after feeling very anxious for several weeks and making lots of stupid mistakes, to the point where I couldn't bear to stick around anymore, after I really ballsed up a job by sending the wrong file to print on an expensive banner. Again I have packed up my things quietly and gone to lunch with very little intention of returning.
I have been referred to the ladywood mental health team. I am wondering about benefits etc and if this could be an option for me. I don't have much faith in their system, particularly after calling them up and being accidentally put on hold by a woman who seemed fairly confused, and because of my experiences in the past. However I am on quite a high dose of citalopram and if there is any alternative that might help me more then I need to try it and in order to do that I need to see a doctor.
Lots of people give me practical sensible advice but it makes me feel really angry because I feel like they don't know how hard I am trying and I have already considered what they say. That if I carry on with my job then everything will be okay and don't make a big deal about it, just try harder to do what they want, but I have tried as hard as I can. I know that is not the right way of looking at things and I am battling with that too.
I am sorry to send you such a long email.
____
And I am drafting an email to my bosses. The first is the edited version, and I've been told I should probably leave it overnight before doing anything. I went into work this morning and lasted until lunchtime before running away again.
I am a creative artworker, 25 years old. Artworker is less creative than it sounds, more about getting things ready for print so being technical and regimented, with some design, but my mind is a mess and I am not a regimented worker or thinker, being extremely anxious and fatigued a lot of the time.
____
Hi --- and ---,
I am very sorry to leave you in the lurch today.
I felt very anxious and had some panic issues at lunchtime.
I apologize that I reacted emotionally to your concerns, I realize that criticism should be able to be given without an emotional reaction. I have been trying very hard to work in the regimented, organized way that you want me to, but have found it difficult to work in a regimented way, and this means I can be inconsistent.
I am not sure that I am able to work in the manner that you want me to, but I am doing my best. I am aware that I am behind with a few things so have tried hard to focus and get things done but I am still not sure that the rate at which I work is fast enough even working through lunch, and I have found it difficult to work for prolonged periods to compensate without getting tension headaches and fatigue. I am not sure how to address this.
____
Some bits i edited out:
I have felt really worried since I have been away and sensed that you had some concerns and that you had been discussing me, and this has made me feel unwell. I appreciate that you raised the issues with me to try to help me, but had I realised at the time maybe I could have explained or done better. I did plan to arrange some holiday earlier on in the summer as I felt that I was becoming exhausted, but had not yet received my entitlement or details of a convenient time.
I feel that some of the issues you raise are historical rather than new and are things that I am still working on, for instance using the filing system consistently and tidily and the speed of my work, which is something I was concerned about from the beginning. I try to work to your particular standards and for me that sometimes takes a lot of tweaking and moving things around. You have asked me to ask when I am not sure, but when approaching a design I am rarely sure how I am going to do it and see it as a problem solving exercise. As an anxious person, I am never particularly sure of anything. Sometimes Ben is not available to ask and I have felt that I should finish things on my own in order to be faster.
______
I am tired of all this. I don't suppose anyone has any advice I haven't already been given, and I don't want to hear any of it, I just want to hide.