More to live for = more panic?

[dissdam0118]

The smell of my house and breakfast being made. The lighting outside just the way I like it and my a/c on 60 makeing it feel like it must be october outside. My daughters laugh, smile, and compassion, her innocence. My husbands sense of humor , the way he perfectly gets me and how he takes care of me. The way they make me feel like even though Im not religious I must be blessed. Ive had nothing to live for and everything to live for and Ive noticed when Ive got nothing then I have nothing to fear and i dont have panic attacks as often. When im happy i have so much to lose and in the end the fear makes me unhappy. So maybe Im happiest with nothing. Isnt that odd?

[dazza]

Very odd indeed!

So odd in fact that no-one replied... lol

(except me of course)

[willstar]

A fear of losing what you love must be the hardest of all.

I have a crippling fear of death, constantly terrified that i'm not going to make it through.
But really, that fear is a fear of losing what i love.

Whats better?
Having nothing, living empty, but without panic?
Or having everything that clearly makes you so so happy, with an absolutely normal fear of losing any of it?

I know it sounds like a postcard, but take everyone of those moments, immerse yourself in them and truly feel them. Any fear of loss that creeps into those moments should be taken as a reinforcement of how much you can love!

You're a lucky person for what you have, and to be able to love so deeply!

[dazza]

* also lucky to have air con ;-)

[dissdam0118]

Thank you willstar I have the crippling fear of death aswell and that fear is only really a fear because I love life and the people in it. Somehow though that makes it hard to enjoy the life i have and i so desperatley want to expirience to the point I go into a panic thinking I may die. Every small symtom makes me feel like there must be something thats going to kill me. Im consumed by it to the point I cant hold a job and can barely leave the house I am constantly afraid I may have a medical emergency in public or pass out and that terrifies me. Sorry its nice to type that all out

[dmc1974]

I feel so much like that. I have had health anxiety for 25 years. It has made me a control freak. And the knowledge that I am not in control of my body or how I may day is unacceptable. I go to Drs and er constantly. For any little symptoms cuz I feel like if I catch somthing early I would b ok. I have 3 children. One just 6 months. My oldest suffers like me and the thought that somthing would happen to take me away from them is more then I can bare. I hold on so tight that I am actually unable to enjoy what I have. It makes me so sad that I'm wasting so much time that could be spent with them. It's all so backwards I'm scared I will die and not be able to be there for them but I'm so scared that I'm nit really there for them now. Uggg

[dazza]

I have health anxiety and I can relate to feeling uneasy about not being in control.

However, have you ever imagined what it would be like to be in control?

I mean, imagine having to manually fire every heart beat, while simutaneously working the lungs, cleaning your blood as well as a million other things.
I know we can multi-task but this would take the biscuit, right? lol

[dazza]

I don't think it's actual control we seek, it's more of a desire to understand and be able to SEE our own bodily workings as and when we desire.

E.g. Since I developed anxiety disorder, there's been SO many times where I wish I could take a peek at my own heart and make sure everything is running as it should.

We seek our own instant diagnosis because of the so random & difficult-to-deal-with nature of anxiety disorder and physical symptoms thereof.

[dissdam0118]

I really feel for you dmc1974 your message was much needed though I am so sorry someone else has to feel this way. You are very lucky in the sense that you go to the doctor because if they catch something early you are fine :) i hope you can find comfort in that so you can go to the doctor as often as you want if that makes you feel better so be it. Trust your doctors and enjoy your children:) whether we worry or not about death it doesnt matter because its coming for all of us as long as you keep healthy and keep going to the doctors i bet youll live a long life:). I am still working on the going to the doctor part Im afraid of them :(

[surfacing]

I think some of us are really afraid of being happy, because we don't deserve it, because it might be taken away, etc.
You would not be happier with none of these things. You're having difficulty accepting that these things are yours. You can obviously appreciate them; you described them beautifully. There is just a part of you saying, this isn't real, this isn't yours, it will be taken away. I really feel for you; fear ruins my life, too.

My counsellor gave me a tool recently, it helps sometimes. When I have a horrible thought, like, 'I am useless', he told me to take some deep breaths, hold the thought in mind mind. 'I am useless.' Just be aware of it. See it there. Then, say to yourself, 'I am having the thought that I am useless.'
Think about that for a while. Say it over to yourself again. See it in your mind. Keep saying it over and over.


Then, after you've thought about that for a while, and it's started to sink in maybe, say, 'I am aware that I am having the thought that I am useless.'
Turn it over in your mind. Say it to yourself again. Try it out.

Maybe take some physical steps back. It sometimes helps me to take a step back from my thoughts, outside myself even, and see myself having a thought rather than being INSIDE the thought.

It might not help in this case. It might be for a different problem and need someone there to calmly talk you through it with some relaxation too. I don't know.

Xxx