Worrying about suicide

[Ser9er]

I know the title seems harsh, but bare with me. When I initially had my panic attacks, one of my thoughts was that I was lying to myself and was scared that I was going crazy. This lead to me panicking about it and wondering if I could ever live like this and if I would eventually kill myself. The thought of that scared the bejeezus out of me. Anywho, my anxiety has gotten much better and those thoughts almost completely stopped, but I visited my PCP yesterday to have some blood taken as a precaution and when I mentioned to her all of my thoughts she got very concerned that suicide had cropped up. More concerned than I would have anticipated. This freaked me out a bit and made me wonder if I should be more concerned about it. Later while I was home the thought passed through my mind. "Why don't you/what if you killed yourself." I was shocked and very scared by it. I'm a happy person and I most certainly don't want to die. I think I'm just becoming overly concerned because of my anxiety but since it's such a serious thought, it's tough to forget about. What I seem to be more obsessed with is the idea of it and how scary it is. Like I said, I'm not depressed and I definitely want to continue living but the thought passing through my mind scares me so much. I posted this is see what you guys thought and make sure that I'm thinking about this whole thing clearly.

[Absolut100]

I posted a very similar topic when I first started using the forums. I was not suicidal and I did not want to die but I couldn't help thinking that since I had been diagnosed with a mental illness that suicide would be my fate. The thought eventually passed. I seem to focus on one disturbing recurring thought until it goes away and is replaced by a new one.

Just be sure that you talk to someone if you find yourself not wanting to live anymore!!

[Ser9er]

Thanks, that makes me feel better. My panic attacks tend to give me this feeling of dread, like eventually you're going to kill yourself but you don't know it yet. That sort of thing. So when I ponder thoughts like that it hits me right at the core and really starts to freak me out and of course cycles around again. What makes me feel better is the fact that I definitely don't want to die and when I'm not feeling anxious, the thought of killing myself seems completely ludicrous.

[Absolut100]

I'm going to be honest.....everything that I have experienced as a result of anxiety seems completely ridiculous when I am not anxious!!

[Ser9er]

Funny how that works, isn't it?

[long time]

Been thinking of my demise for many years and have only sought treatment recently. So I guess if one has never gone thru with it is is an obsessive thought or will it actually happen one day ?? Speaking of thoughts I really hate when listening/hearing to myself think. That is what drove me to treatment along with even greater thoughts more time per day than ever before. So we have just started cbt, thinking ahead everytime neg thoughts come into your head you need to react to switching it into a positive and re-phase it if I understand the process correctly - even though no one has ever explained it to me yet. Theripist says the first step is to walk thru the door and applauded this action so I take this as a positive step to at least deep down... I think - wanting to change this habit. So tough, being off work for 3 wks was pretty easy mentally, I thought I would always feel like that again, having gone back to work and face the reality again has been a much tough feat, boy was I wrong making that assumption. I don't know how much longer I can continue to fight off the demons. I spoke to a lady where depression runs in the family. Her father commited S. when he was 63 yrs of age. Imagine the battles he would have had to fight in his head, I think you eventually get so tired you can't fight and or give up because it hurts or seems to hurt so much.

[long time]

Does anyone know how Tennitus affects the brain and thought patterns because even on med's my tennitus is LOUD. One of the questions on a tennitus survey asks do you have thoughts of S. I thought it meant at the time does the tennitus drive you to this, i didn't think it did but now I maybe reconsidering but have not spoken to a med proff about it. anyone had any experince with this?