randomaccount555
07-14-2012, 07:31 PM
I found out last night that my father has prostate cancer and I got into a physical altercation with my younger brother all in a matter of an hour. I should probably start by giving some background info. on point number two.
My father, my brother and I all suffer from varying degrees of anxiety and depression. My brother and I are nine years apart in age. When my brother was in his early teens, he witnessed my struggle with anxiety/depression in which I took some of my stress out on him. I think this may have led him to become a bad child as he began to get into trouble with drugs and alcohol beyond the normal realm of what I would consider normal for that age.
When I was his age, my father was much more strict with me than he was with my brother. When my brother hit his teenage/high school years, he had very few boundaries and very little discipline. I feel it was partly do to a change in my father, who was experiencing his own depression and wasn't the same man he was when I was growing up. Because of this my brother really got out of control. He put my family through some serious hardships and I begrudged him for that. We have not gotten along for almost ten years since.
During the ten year span, we have had two altercations including last night. My brother is a big man and would cleanly pick me apart in a fight. However, he would never hit me. In the first incident, I hit him and he would not hit me back. I wanted him to but he wouldn't.
As for last night....He was asleep on the couch after working a long week in the heat. I had just returned home from a day off of work and was visiting my parents on my dad's request. This is when my mom gave me the news about my father. We talked it over for a while and agreed not to tell my brother just yet as he does not react well to bad news and my mom wanted to wait. I went for a walk and came back to him arguing on the phone with his girlfriend. This is how the altercation started as I told him to leave the room or go outside as he was upsetting everyone. It escalated and I attacked him. Again, he did not retaliate.
I guess my question is, why do I dislike him so much? I have not been able to talk to him for years because we just argue so much. What troubles me is that I actual can physically try and hurt him in the heat of the moment. I have had trouble with violence in the past. Why can't I stand it when he talks at all. I have totally shut him out of my life as I can't tolerate him. He told me that he needed a big brother and that I wasn't one to him. In retrospect, I may have built a defence mechanism by not talking to him so we wouldn't fight but it scarred him. How can anyone despise their own brother because he was a bad kid growing up? I really can't understand why I have not been able to let it go. Just being in a room with him makes me anxious and he feels the same way as we have discussed it before. I guess I’m just looking for a third party to brainstorm with as I would like to change this line of thinking.
Thanks for reading
My father, my brother and I all suffer from varying degrees of anxiety and depression. My brother and I are nine years apart in age. When my brother was in his early teens, he witnessed my struggle with anxiety/depression in which I took some of my stress out on him. I think this may have led him to become a bad child as he began to get into trouble with drugs and alcohol beyond the normal realm of what I would consider normal for that age.
When I was his age, my father was much more strict with me than he was with my brother. When my brother hit his teenage/high school years, he had very few boundaries and very little discipline. I feel it was partly do to a change in my father, who was experiencing his own depression and wasn't the same man he was when I was growing up. Because of this my brother really got out of control. He put my family through some serious hardships and I begrudged him for that. We have not gotten along for almost ten years since.
During the ten year span, we have had two altercations including last night. My brother is a big man and would cleanly pick me apart in a fight. However, he would never hit me. In the first incident, I hit him and he would not hit me back. I wanted him to but he wouldn't.
As for last night....He was asleep on the couch after working a long week in the heat. I had just returned home from a day off of work and was visiting my parents on my dad's request. This is when my mom gave me the news about my father. We talked it over for a while and agreed not to tell my brother just yet as he does not react well to bad news and my mom wanted to wait. I went for a walk and came back to him arguing on the phone with his girlfriend. This is how the altercation started as I told him to leave the room or go outside as he was upsetting everyone. It escalated and I attacked him. Again, he did not retaliate.
I guess my question is, why do I dislike him so much? I have not been able to talk to him for years because we just argue so much. What troubles me is that I actual can physically try and hurt him in the heat of the moment. I have had trouble with violence in the past. Why can't I stand it when he talks at all. I have totally shut him out of my life as I can't tolerate him. He told me that he needed a big brother and that I wasn't one to him. In retrospect, I may have built a defence mechanism by not talking to him so we wouldn't fight but it scarred him. How can anyone despise their own brother because he was a bad kid growing up? I really can't understand why I have not been able to let it go. Just being in a room with him makes me anxious and he feels the same way as we have discussed it before. I guess I’m just looking for a third party to brainstorm with as I would like to change this line of thinking.
Thanks for reading