Scared of becoming psychotic

[marco23]

This may sound really really stupid, but I need to tell somebody.

I've been struggling against anxiety for like a month, and I'm making a lot of progress, it's almost totally gone actually. But today I was a watching a movie and a torture scene came up. For a very very brief moment, like half a second, I caught myself enjoying it, I felt anger towards the victim and was enjoying to see him in that helpless situation. Then right away I stopped and asked myself what the hell I was doing cause this is sick and I have never felt like this before. This whole situation triggered my anxiety again cause now I'm scared I'm becoming a psychopath, violent person and soon it will go out of my control and I'll start hurting people. I've always been a peaceful person and have never caused any physical harm to anyone, I don't enjoy any kind of hardcore pornography and I honestly can't even look at gore.

Can someone explain me what happened and if I'm going to be fine? I feel like this is the only place that can relate and help me.

I'm 20 years old by the way.

[Yovella]

Are you on any medication? I had a horrible side effect on one of mine once where I felt like I needed to lash out to release my anxiety and I thought of horrible violent things to do. I understand your worries, I got really scared and put myself to bed. I've never been a violent person either and it was really a very horrible thing to experience, I feel for you.

[Amy1986]

Does hardcore porn make ppl violent? Random

Anyway,

Hi :) I can relate rather heavily. When I was 20 I was very ill. I was an agoraphobic and I had a whole other list of problems. During this time of my life I became convinced I would kill someone, not because I was angry or that I loved violence because like you I was incredibly nice and I wouldn't even hurt a spider and I hate them!! I literally used to wake my BF up crying and tell him how scared I was that i would hurt him etc. my agoraphobia was not as black and white as a fear of the outside but more a fear if I were that for some reason I'd go on a killing spree, I was put on meds to help and started CBT immediately as I was terrified of everything. That got rid of it completely, my brain just needed a re-wire so to speak and this was 6 years ago now. But you also have to understand its perfectly normal to have thoughts on occasion, everyone (mental health issues or not) has in one form or another experienced distressing thoughts. My mum always told me its one thing to think it but a whole different thing to act on it. The fact you so upset with yourself over this proves you would never do such awful things, ppl who hurt ppl don't have emotion, are shells of human beings and have no feeling of remorse or even care for what they've done. You'll be fine :) honest :)

Amy

[ivanas757]

That is exactly right. People who truly do hurt others have an enjoyment for it. They don't even see it as wrong. I witnessed an example of a woman actually not in her right might that experience helped me so i will share. It was a friends aunt who was clinically schizophrenic . She drove over to the house in an suv to drop something off and was in a complete rant about a man in a wheelchair almost killing her. Now any sane person knows this is not possible but she was completely dead serious that this man almost killed her. I couldn't help but laugh because I was thinking she was joking. When someone is truly mentally ill an has disturbing thoughts they do not see anything wrong with their thoughts. I hope this helped.