Crippling Fear/At a loss...

[HeatherD3584]

I'm new to these forums but I'm really glad to be reading through everything knowing that others are dealing with the same things I am. I mean, not glad that any of us are dealing with any of this, but, you know what I mean. So, anyway, the fear of dying has consumed my life for the past few months, rendering me completely useless. I've suffered from anxiety, panic, depression, and excessive worry for most of my life but it's never been focused on one specific thing until now. Ive convinced myself this is happening, and I cannot put it to the back of my mind. I fell around 2 months ago on my tailbone, hard. Very hard. And I've been employed as a dog walker during that time as well, which can be strenuous. Needless to say, I've started having horrible burning in my pelvic/groin area, my legs are weak and numb, my thighs burn,my feet are numb and hurt, my arms are weak and hurt, my back is in pain, and my butt hurts as well. I've always been scared regarding my health, but I've taken this pain and turned it into something life threatening.

Both my parents died from Cancer. Dad when I was 17 and my Mom when I was 21. I've convinced myself that it's now happening to me.

My doctor said I bruised my tailbone, and pulled muscles. My bloodwork was perfect. Everything fine. Gave me muscle relaxers (too afraid to take them.) EKG perfect. Blood pressure perfect. I even managed to turn around my anemia, which I had a severe case of only a year ago.

I'm still worried. Going to the gyno on Friday and I'm petrified. Just when I think I'm ok, I read a new article or a new thought pops into my head. Every week is a new disease (always some form of the big C) or new pain. I havent felt like myself for the last 2 months. It's affecting every area of my life. I manage to cry everyday. Obviously me worrying is going to make the pain worse. Obviously I've lost a lot of people in my life and those fears are justified. But, I can't go immediately to life threatening with every cough.

I have rational explanations for my pain and for my feelings. Yet I can't trust myself to just let it go. For my sanity and my boyfriend's sanity quite frankly. We just moved in together, coincidently 2 months ago, and he comes home to a crying mess.

I've deleted the webmd app. If any article mentions the C word or any movie or show mentions it, I immediately turn it off. Trying to avoid all triggers.

Those dreaded what if's are ruining my life. What if it wasn't me falling that's caused all this??

I'm in therapy again, also starting cognitive behavioral therapy next week, and I've been trying to walk and stay active. No longer dog walking though.

I don't even know what I'm even looking for here. What kind of advice or anything. I guess I just wanted to type it out.

[dazza]

Hi

You've had it tough & it's no wonder you worry so.

I imagine you'll find things will improve significantly once you start offloading all your anxiety to the therapist. On average, it takes between 5 and 10 sessions to get everything off your chest, so to speak.

Regarding your symptoms:

I'm no doctor so I wouldn't know what to suggest, but it's probable that there's two things going on here.
1/ there is still bruising that is causing all kinds of symptoms and
2/ anxiety is adding to these symptoms (if you don't know already, anxiety can cause just about every symptom going!)

Have you tried ice packs on your back near the injury area?

Have you had a full scan of that area? (personally - I would)

[HeatherD3584]

I've done ice, stretching (which I've never done before so duh my body of course is going to hurt), and deep tissue massages. I haven't gotten a scan. Too terrified to do so. My general doctor didn't recommend it, and actually laughed at me for crying and carrying on. Not in a mean way but in a motherly stop driving yourself crazy way. Does make me nervous though, it seems to me that doctors are so quick to blame everything on anxiety...but what if it's not the one time you think it is? But I guess that's the reasoning that gets you in trouble to begin with.

I saw this therapist for a few years, stopped for a while, and just went back to him 2 weeks ago. So thankfully we just dove right into the whole freakjng out about my body thing. Starting cognitive behavioral therapy in addition to the talk therapy next week. I guess my issues involving losing my parents, while it may be years now, are still fresh. It's so frustrating. My health issues have never been this pronounced before. Don't know what triggered it.

I'm now sitting up comparing my jaw bone on either side. One feels as if there's a bump. I'm not a doctor though so I need to just stop. Earlier tonight I thought one thigh was jutting out further than the other and that there was a lump. But of course the more I touch it, the more it will hurt, the more it hurts, the more I get scared...never ending cycle.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's honestly making me depressed and unable to do anything else.

[laurandisorder]

It can take a long time to heal a sprain or strain. I did both my ankles at the start of the year and it took about six weeks to recover and even now, six months later I can only exercise every other day or they start to ache.

The problem with these kind of injuries is that it can be impossible to rest up. Crutches weren't going to help me when both ankles were equally messed up - they probably aren't going to help you either. Did you get to rest up at all?

I made the mistake of not realizing that I had sprained my ankles - I kept walking an running on them. I legitimately thought my running shoes were causing me pain! It made my recovery a lot slower.

I'd consult a practitioner and explain your symptoms. It's no coincidence that after I had realised what I had done and knew that I had to rest, I had a massive anxiety relapse that I'm still trying to recover from.

Good luck

[HeatherD3584]

I've been resting and I've felt a difference. I actually felt good today! But now I've been obsessively checking my jaw bone because it feels different on one side and not the other. I've been touching it so much it's starting to hurt. And it's giving me a headache. It seems like every week brings on a new physical symptom. Nervous about tomorrow going to the gyno. The regular doctor told me I was fine and that I was just badly bruised from my fall.

I just want to be ok again :(

[savannah]

Heather, Both of my parents have died also and my mom did to cancer I know exactly what you are going through i do this all time to, its like im a hypercondriact i always can find something wrong with myself like i have been looking at a spot right above the inside of my ankle that looks a little bigger on one side than the other and i wonder if its a lymph node swollen or somthing last week i was at the dr bc i feel like i cant breath and have asthma and tey told me no

[HeatherD3584]

Exactly. I do this all the time. It's been years since I've lost them but this health hypochondria has gotten progressively worse in the last few months. I just posted something a few minutes ago because now I keep running my hands along my jawbone because on one side the bone feels different. It's more raised. So maybe it's a growth. Of course my mind is racing. So now my other symptoms aren't even bothering me today because my jaw hurts and I'm fixated on that. Of course it could be hurting because I keep grabbing and touching it. It's a frustrating cycle.