citelis
06-19-2012, 10:42 AM
Hi all!
I think the predominant factor in my social anxiety has been my lazy eye, I've attached a pic. 103
It was only when I began university did it really affect my well-being. I would sit in lectures paralysed with fear of being judged, and being afraid of turning left, right or behind to talk to the people around me. Over the course of my three years at uni, my SA has progressively worsened. I developed coping strategies to get by. I would arrive at lectures up to 30 minutes early just so I could get a seat at the back. Being at the back was a relief, but I struggled. I think it made me more socially withdrawn than I already was, and my eyesight is so bad that I could no longer see the board at the front. When I was unable to sit at the back, I just wouldn't go in at all. I would end up barricading myself in a toilet cubicle for the duration of the lecture. I just couldn't face seeing anyone.
During one of the revision classes just before our final exams which I reluctantly attended, I had managed to sit at the back but I developed a horrible sensation telling me to leave. I started breathing louder and faster, my heart rate was racing, my abdomen became painful and I partially lost my vision - I just saw grey. That was incredibly scary for me. I ended up quickly leaving the room. Because of all my missed/walking-out of lectures and revision classes, I know that I won't have done as well as I had hoped in my final degree.
I'm not sure if anyone else experiences anything similar, but as much as I enjoy watching programmes such as Skins and The Only Way Is Essex, I end up feeling tremendously lonely, especially when I find out that the characters/cast are actually younger than I am. I'm 21 now, have no close friends, never had a relationship, or had a job. I want surgery on my right eye to correct the strabismus, but I've been informed that it is likely my right eye would drift off again at some point or another. I hate what I see in the mirror and on photos and it just gets me down so much. I would love nothing more than to look for a relationship, but I would hate to make anyone feel awkward when around me. That's what I fear the most.
I think the predominant factor in my social anxiety has been my lazy eye, I've attached a pic. 103
It was only when I began university did it really affect my well-being. I would sit in lectures paralysed with fear of being judged, and being afraid of turning left, right or behind to talk to the people around me. Over the course of my three years at uni, my SA has progressively worsened. I developed coping strategies to get by. I would arrive at lectures up to 30 minutes early just so I could get a seat at the back. Being at the back was a relief, but I struggled. I think it made me more socially withdrawn than I already was, and my eyesight is so bad that I could no longer see the board at the front. When I was unable to sit at the back, I just wouldn't go in at all. I would end up barricading myself in a toilet cubicle for the duration of the lecture. I just couldn't face seeing anyone.
During one of the revision classes just before our final exams which I reluctantly attended, I had managed to sit at the back but I developed a horrible sensation telling me to leave. I started breathing louder and faster, my heart rate was racing, my abdomen became painful and I partially lost my vision - I just saw grey. That was incredibly scary for me. I ended up quickly leaving the room. Because of all my missed/walking-out of lectures and revision classes, I know that I won't have done as well as I had hoped in my final degree.
I'm not sure if anyone else experiences anything similar, but as much as I enjoy watching programmes such as Skins and The Only Way Is Essex, I end up feeling tremendously lonely, especially when I find out that the characters/cast are actually younger than I am. I'm 21 now, have no close friends, never had a relationship, or had a job. I want surgery on my right eye to correct the strabismus, but I've been informed that it is likely my right eye would drift off again at some point or another. I hate what I see in the mirror and on photos and it just gets me down so much. I would love nothing more than to look for a relationship, but I would hate to make anyone feel awkward when around me. That's what I fear the most.