Panicking about boyfriend cheating

[carlyjs]

M having a total melt down. I feel like everything is hitting me at once and I can't breath. I've been ignoring the fact that I don't trust my boyfriend d and today I'm coming to the conclusion that if he's not cheating, he's making a it really seem like he is! So last year I found texts from his exs in his phone and after confronting him he changed his number and deleted hem all, after that he left his phone around me all the time. Well In the past 6 months his phone is no where in sight. It's taken to the bathroom every time, the shower and to bed. If its left around me it's because it's dead. I brought it to his attention 5 times now and he says it's cause he looks at porn. I explained that it's ok wih me and we can be open with each other but even after that he still hides it. Then His excuse was he doesn't want me to read his text messages. If he didn't have anything to it shouldn't matter. So now since I brought it up again he stil showers with it but now listens to music songs has an excuse of why it's in there and the same when he sleeps but with head phones. Anyways I'm totally freaking out. I'm sitting in a secluded area on a damn rock to try and gather my thoughts but I feel so overwhelmed. I'm 28 divorced with a 5 yr old. I really don't need this added stress.

I would really like to hear from a guy why he would be hiding his phone like this.

[Anotherday12]

If you don't trust him... it doesn't matter weather he is cheating our not. Trust is the most important part in a relationship.

[carlyjs]

So true...

[Buttercup]

I do agree about trust being an important part of a relationship. I would never dream of checking my partner's phone and if he checked mine I'd be so angry. Not angry because I have anything to hide but angry because he didn't trust me.

[GadGal]

To me It sound like he is hiding something, and how do I know this? Becos I've been sneaky before and I do exactly what he is doing. But everyone is right no trust then you will never be happy with him.

[hopeNfaith88]

Has he ever cheated on you, or given you a reason not to trust him? What was the nature of the texts from his ex? (sexual, lovey, or meaningless chitchat)

[carlyjs]

Hopenfaith, there were a lot of girls. All his exes. Some text were then asking if I was around the others were saying he missed them or calling them beautiful or sweety. He told me he had not messed with them all but the truth came out about that later on. But at this time he's telling me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. Idk I just feel it deep down.

[PanicCured]

Ok Carly. You need to have a very calm and mature conversation with him. Don't get him in a corner, but be very calm so he will be honest and try and find out what is really going on here. If he is cheating on you, then you can break up with him and move on. It isn't a tragedy. Lots of people end up total jerks after you date them for a while and find out more about them. If it was my girlfriend I would tell her what is appropriate and inappropriate for me, and if she couldn't do what I think is appropriate, then we can't be together. I would not be ok with lots of guys texting someone I am with, and having her not tell them, "Stop I have a boyfriend." I couldn't stop guys from liking her, but I can expect her to respond to them in a way that shows me respect. So maybe he has not made it clear to them that he is exclusive with you. That isn't ok.

[hopeNfaith88]

Hopenfaith, there were a lot of girls. All his exes. Some text were then asking if I was around the others were saying he missed them or calling them beautiful or sweety. He told me he had not messed with them all but the truth came out about that later on. But at this time he's telling me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. Idk I just feel it deep down.

Hes going to say that because he probably does love you, but it sounds like he does wrong by you. I can make that judgement because i dated a girl (im also a girl) who was that way. She was a drug addict who cheated on me several times. I took her back because she kept telling me she only loved me and would change. There was a period where she let me have full access to her phone. I liked how open she was with me but hated feeling like the parent of a child. Its just not normal to need to monitor someone like that to trust them. She even let me have her facebook login, but it didnt matter because i found out she had a separate facebook she used to find hookups with. She cheated on me with atleast 15 people over a 4 year period before i called it quits. After a certain point you just lose respect for the person, and they lose respect for you for putting up with it. Plus it got to the point that she left her phone at home when i picked her up to hang out and she wouldnt let me be friends with her on facebook which had me constantly paranoid she was cheating. But the whole time she would try to lie her way out of everything, only to eventually confess the truth. Each time it broke my heart. Its not a healthy relationship, its a co dependency.

Like others have said, trust has to be there. If people want to cheat, they will cheat. No matter what you do. If your relationship is salvagable, then work to save it. But if you find youre angry at him and dont trust him after a lot of work, then maybe you should consider walking away from it. Good luck

[alaine]

I have the same problem I litterly have a panic attack every time my bf texts there's this one girl he texts and he ;),s at her and says he misses her all while complaining about our relationship it's made me so insecure!!! Sorry your going through this !!

[carlyjs]

This was a year ago and since then, from what I know he hasn't talked to anyone. I just find I odd that he's so secretive with his phone. I brought it up calmly 5 times and since the last time he said he will leave it around as long as I do t go through it or read anything he gets..... He's ruining he little trust I had for him. Also now he goes to he bathroom and listens to music conveniently on his phone. He also is sleeping wih head phones in. I'm so afraid to confront him again. I really feel like he's not ready for the commitment that I am and I'm so afraid to be alone again. I can not work and he is paying all of my bills. I'm in the riddle of losing my car and I feel so trapped. I'm so close to talk g his phone in the middle of the night and just seeing what it is he is hiding but every time I go to do it I have a panic attack.

[hopeNfaith88]

How old is he? And what was his reason for letting you see his phone in the past and then hiding it again? Also does he text alot? You probably wont find anything in the middle of the night. Most people up to no gold clear their texts before going to bed.
Judge his reaction...take his phone when hes not looking and just hold it and when he sees youre holding it see how he reacts. If he goes crazy then hes hiding something