k100danny
06-17-2012, 10:13 AM
Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Danny and I am from the uk. I am 29 years old
I remember feeling anxious as a child, I would feel slightly sick before going places but once there I usually felt fine. I had my first panic attack when i was around 10 or so after feeling ill on a bus but I got over that and didn't know it was anxiety at the time. I would always consider myself a worrier and I found it hard to relax. Around age 13 after going to secondary school I started to feel a bit anxious which i suppose is normal at first and then one day I just felt anxious and didn't want to go to school and i cried and my mum obviously thought something was wrong and didnt make me go that day. After that I started to fear school and was anxious and stopped wanting to go, often calling my mum from the phone box and asking her to come and pick me up, she obviously didn't know what was wrong or why her child was crying so she often would do this. it was probably the wrong thing to do but i know i wouldnt want my child to be crying and feeling ill either. If i really tried I could get through days at school but often clock watching and just waiting for the day to end. I ended up missing a lot of school and education and leaving school with average grades. during my time at school my parents had been into the school and explained things to my teacher because of my constant absences, they gave me a small card to put in my pocket that said to the teacher I was allowed to leave the lesson as and when i wanted if i felt ill. this did ease my fears of feeling i couldnt get out of a lesson but It didnt take it away. my anxiety at school got better and then worse and went like a roller coaster until i left. by the age of 15 I wasnt going out much with friends and was avoiding going places without my mum or dad and i liked them at home with me, I did not like to be left alone. I saw a psychologist that my doctor sent me to see about my panic attacks and it did help slightly then he retired.
I had a couple of months off from work and we had a family holiday booked, at this point i could still kind of enjoy myself if i knew where my parents where and i was able to leave ect but was still anxious. Anyway just before the holiday i go for an interview at another job and i really like the idea of working there, only trouble is the only intake people every 6 months and training started when i was on holiday. I decided I was going to stay on my own in england a really big decision for me but i said i would stay with my uncle who lives around half a mile away. my family went away and left and i stayed, I ended up coming back to my parents after the first night and staying here for the rest of the week until they returned. My sister was also away on holiday for the first 4 days so i was basically alone, something most would love aged 20 but i didnt. I did cry on the phone to my mum and dad a few times and they said they would come home but either them or I got through those panics and i started the job, I had to get a taxi to the job a few miles away and I did get by in the end.
I started this job and got on quite well, initial anxiety but I did like the job and didn't have much time off work. I met a girlfriend here and I would say had the best spell of low anxiety. I would sleep out at her house, we would go out on dates all over for meals and drinks and even days at the seaside (this did make me anxious knowing i would be around 30 miles from home but i got through) I would say I was still suffering from generalized anxiety but my panic and agoraphobia was lot less and wasnt preventing me from doing too many things. then I had a panic attack, I felt ill while we were out shopping quite sick and anxious but we managed to get hom and i didnt really mention it that i can remember. So when we get home i was still very anxious and for some reason started to panic. I called my mum and said i wanted to come home, we were only around a 10 minute walk away from my mums and my girlfriend didnt understand at all and was mad at me. The anxiety came back with pretty much full force and i had some time away from work. I thought I had started to get better again when I read the linden method and thought i was cured straight away, only trouble is i didnt really implement it it just put my mind at ease for a short time and I had another huge panic attack early in the morning because of a visual migraine that scared me when my visoun started to go blurred. I became more distant from my girlfriend and it caused a lot of trouble, I went back to work and tried but the relationship troubles it had caused made me even more anxious and that relationship broke down and i ended up quitting that job.
I got another job but instantly felt i couldnt be alone there in the town centre without someone there and for the first few days my mum had parked near the store and gone shopping and things to try and ease me back into work and get used to being there, I couldnt do it and thought i had to quit. my mum ended up working nights then sitting near my work during the day just so i could get by. I felt so guilty and ashamed but i wanted to be well. This went on for around 6 months then i quit.
Im am around 23 years old at this point and pretty much cant go anywhere without someone near me, My mum is my safe person but it doesnt stop me having anxiety attacks I am just more relaxed around my mum. I start my own business working from home which i still do to this day hoping that my anxiety will go away. I have had some better times and some worse, some times i have been able to get about my daily life within my comfort zone and even go a bit further more so when i had had a drink or two (i dont drink really anymore and i didnt use it to medicate) but it has pretty much constantly been there since the age of 13. I now panic when my mum goes to work, this subsides usually after she goes, this is even if my dad is at home, if neither is i wonder if my sister is at home and will try and make sure she is. but i prefer both parents being at home.
I can still go out to around 10-300 meters from my house depending on the day. I got into a relationship around 7 months ago with a friend of a friend and my anxiety caused problems right from the start. She wondered why i was unable to sleep at her house and i told her i have panic attacks sometimes while sleeping and she said she was fine with that as long as it takes me to get comfortable. then after a month or so she was told by one of our mutual friends (most of them know i have some problem and its probably agoraphobia although very few people i have actually told) while she was out at the pub, where is Danny? She said he is busy tonight which i wasnt but i can't jump in and say im agoraphobic because im hoping that the new girlfriend gives me the motivation to get out there more. He said you know he doesnt go far from his house don't you, He has an anxiety condition. she called me up and said what she had just heard and i tried to tell her people assume i do but i really played down how bad it was but soon after she found out and it caused problems. I put huge pressure on myself and felt guilty about not being able to do the things with her a normal boyfriend could and this caused me to be more anxious. she got annoyed that i seem to be just existing day to day and I need to get help and enjoy life more which is understandable. She said i wanst making an effort and i admit i wasnt really, i just hoped to get better. I found it so hard to try and do things with her although i loved her so much and wanted to do those things, i also felt what if i have a panic attack and she doesnt understand and it freaks her out and makes her not want to be with me anymore.
She told me right from the start she planned to go travelling and she told me she didnt want to leave me that she wanted a life with me and it would be very hard to leave. I Think the deciding factor was that she said I dont want to live in this town my whole life and we cant just have the relationship of me staying at your house and us not being able to go on holiday together or move away ect. So i believe this made it easier for her to leave because i couldnt promise i would be well again or how long it would take and i always said to her she owes it to herself to be happy.
anyway that pretty much takes us up to today. I have been to many doctors over the years but never had a formal diagnosis, they have given me meds which i dont want and 6 councilling sessions at a time due to the nhs budget and i now pay for private psychotherapy but im not sure if this is helping it has been more coucilling lately trying to get to the route of the problem. I am so down at the minute and annoyed that i cant just be worry free (well only worry about things normal people do) I havent had the chance at a real realtionship, It is a hug burden on people close to me and i feel i lied to someone and made them love me and then they had to leave. I want to go places, I want a family and a job that isnt working from home and to just go out with my friends and not worry about things before they happen. I am pretty much dependant on my parents and after my girlfriend leaving to go away i realised just what i am missing. Im probably more down at the moment because of this but i cant go on like this I need help.
I would say i have a few things at least, agoraphobia with panic attacks or panic disorder, adult seperation anxiety and GAD at the least. I am to the point now where i am scared i will never get over this and spoke with my mum last night about trying to make myself go away to a private hospital if i can find somewhere that does this in the uk and it is affordable.
Please if someone can help or tell me what to do i would be more than greatful.
I remember feeling anxious as a child, I would feel slightly sick before going places but once there I usually felt fine. I had my first panic attack when i was around 10 or so after feeling ill on a bus but I got over that and didn't know it was anxiety at the time. I would always consider myself a worrier and I found it hard to relax. Around age 13 after going to secondary school I started to feel a bit anxious which i suppose is normal at first and then one day I just felt anxious and didn't want to go to school and i cried and my mum obviously thought something was wrong and didnt make me go that day. After that I started to fear school and was anxious and stopped wanting to go, often calling my mum from the phone box and asking her to come and pick me up, she obviously didn't know what was wrong or why her child was crying so she often would do this. it was probably the wrong thing to do but i know i wouldnt want my child to be crying and feeling ill either. If i really tried I could get through days at school but often clock watching and just waiting for the day to end. I ended up missing a lot of school and education and leaving school with average grades. during my time at school my parents had been into the school and explained things to my teacher because of my constant absences, they gave me a small card to put in my pocket that said to the teacher I was allowed to leave the lesson as and when i wanted if i felt ill. this did ease my fears of feeling i couldnt get out of a lesson but It didnt take it away. my anxiety at school got better and then worse and went like a roller coaster until i left. by the age of 15 I wasnt going out much with friends and was avoiding going places without my mum or dad and i liked them at home with me, I did not like to be left alone. I saw a psychologist that my doctor sent me to see about my panic attacks and it did help slightly then he retired.
I had a couple of months off from work and we had a family holiday booked, at this point i could still kind of enjoy myself if i knew where my parents where and i was able to leave ect but was still anxious. Anyway just before the holiday i go for an interview at another job and i really like the idea of working there, only trouble is the only intake people every 6 months and training started when i was on holiday. I decided I was going to stay on my own in england a really big decision for me but i said i would stay with my uncle who lives around half a mile away. my family went away and left and i stayed, I ended up coming back to my parents after the first night and staying here for the rest of the week until they returned. My sister was also away on holiday for the first 4 days so i was basically alone, something most would love aged 20 but i didnt. I did cry on the phone to my mum and dad a few times and they said they would come home but either them or I got through those panics and i started the job, I had to get a taxi to the job a few miles away and I did get by in the end.
I started this job and got on quite well, initial anxiety but I did like the job and didn't have much time off work. I met a girlfriend here and I would say had the best spell of low anxiety. I would sleep out at her house, we would go out on dates all over for meals and drinks and even days at the seaside (this did make me anxious knowing i would be around 30 miles from home but i got through) I would say I was still suffering from generalized anxiety but my panic and agoraphobia was lot less and wasnt preventing me from doing too many things. then I had a panic attack, I felt ill while we were out shopping quite sick and anxious but we managed to get hom and i didnt really mention it that i can remember. So when we get home i was still very anxious and for some reason started to panic. I called my mum and said i wanted to come home, we were only around a 10 minute walk away from my mums and my girlfriend didnt understand at all and was mad at me. The anxiety came back with pretty much full force and i had some time away from work. I thought I had started to get better again when I read the linden method and thought i was cured straight away, only trouble is i didnt really implement it it just put my mind at ease for a short time and I had another huge panic attack early in the morning because of a visual migraine that scared me when my visoun started to go blurred. I became more distant from my girlfriend and it caused a lot of trouble, I went back to work and tried but the relationship troubles it had caused made me even more anxious and that relationship broke down and i ended up quitting that job.
I got another job but instantly felt i couldnt be alone there in the town centre without someone there and for the first few days my mum had parked near the store and gone shopping and things to try and ease me back into work and get used to being there, I couldnt do it and thought i had to quit. my mum ended up working nights then sitting near my work during the day just so i could get by. I felt so guilty and ashamed but i wanted to be well. This went on for around 6 months then i quit.
Im am around 23 years old at this point and pretty much cant go anywhere without someone near me, My mum is my safe person but it doesnt stop me having anxiety attacks I am just more relaxed around my mum. I start my own business working from home which i still do to this day hoping that my anxiety will go away. I have had some better times and some worse, some times i have been able to get about my daily life within my comfort zone and even go a bit further more so when i had had a drink or two (i dont drink really anymore and i didnt use it to medicate) but it has pretty much constantly been there since the age of 13. I now panic when my mum goes to work, this subsides usually after she goes, this is even if my dad is at home, if neither is i wonder if my sister is at home and will try and make sure she is. but i prefer both parents being at home.
I can still go out to around 10-300 meters from my house depending on the day. I got into a relationship around 7 months ago with a friend of a friend and my anxiety caused problems right from the start. She wondered why i was unable to sleep at her house and i told her i have panic attacks sometimes while sleeping and she said she was fine with that as long as it takes me to get comfortable. then after a month or so she was told by one of our mutual friends (most of them know i have some problem and its probably agoraphobia although very few people i have actually told) while she was out at the pub, where is Danny? She said he is busy tonight which i wasnt but i can't jump in and say im agoraphobic because im hoping that the new girlfriend gives me the motivation to get out there more. He said you know he doesnt go far from his house don't you, He has an anxiety condition. she called me up and said what she had just heard and i tried to tell her people assume i do but i really played down how bad it was but soon after she found out and it caused problems. I put huge pressure on myself and felt guilty about not being able to do the things with her a normal boyfriend could and this caused me to be more anxious. she got annoyed that i seem to be just existing day to day and I need to get help and enjoy life more which is understandable. She said i wanst making an effort and i admit i wasnt really, i just hoped to get better. I found it so hard to try and do things with her although i loved her so much and wanted to do those things, i also felt what if i have a panic attack and she doesnt understand and it freaks her out and makes her not want to be with me anymore.
She told me right from the start she planned to go travelling and she told me she didnt want to leave me that she wanted a life with me and it would be very hard to leave. I Think the deciding factor was that she said I dont want to live in this town my whole life and we cant just have the relationship of me staying at your house and us not being able to go on holiday together or move away ect. So i believe this made it easier for her to leave because i couldnt promise i would be well again or how long it would take and i always said to her she owes it to herself to be happy.
anyway that pretty much takes us up to today. I have been to many doctors over the years but never had a formal diagnosis, they have given me meds which i dont want and 6 councilling sessions at a time due to the nhs budget and i now pay for private psychotherapy but im not sure if this is helping it has been more coucilling lately trying to get to the route of the problem. I am so down at the minute and annoyed that i cant just be worry free (well only worry about things normal people do) I havent had the chance at a real realtionship, It is a hug burden on people close to me and i feel i lied to someone and made them love me and then they had to leave. I want to go places, I want a family and a job that isnt working from home and to just go out with my friends and not worry about things before they happen. I am pretty much dependant on my parents and after my girlfriend leaving to go away i realised just what i am missing. Im probably more down at the moment because of this but i cant go on like this I need help.
I would say i have a few things at least, agoraphobia with panic attacks or panic disorder, adult seperation anxiety and GAD at the least. I am to the point now where i am scared i will never get over this and spoke with my mum last night about trying to make myself go away to a private hospital if i can find somewhere that does this in the uk and it is affordable.
Please if someone can help or tell me what to do i would be more than greatful.