And now a destructive one - The gods don't want me well

[Jeordie]

I'm still positive and acting and planning to get off the shit.
But you can understand I can still have hard times, and lately they happen socially speaking.

I live in the ugliest town in the world in the south of italy. I'm not the only one who thinks so. It really is UNLIVABLE.
Now. It is unlivable because of the people, of course. They make the town such. Low culture, they dress badly, they can't speak, they have never travelled, they're ignorant, bigot, and so damn pretentious. they think they live in the best place and they're the best people, just to let you get it. The BEST place. They're so insecure they end up talking shit.

I'm almost going to cry. I feel seriously heart broken. The more I know myself and the more I act and say smart things, the more I feel alone. I didn't realize how people just have no interests and how they're morally down, sad, and angry to everybody.

I'm not angry to everybody. I love simple people. I love beautiful - really beautiful girls. I love fishermen and humble people who live simply and don't need appreciation from others. I love gipsies. There are some around where I live, nobody cares about them, they're considered inferior: fuck that, they're superior to all the rest, the make my heart full of joy.

But this awful town, known nationwide as being economically, culturally and socially lame, though slowly changing, is still a sewer of fishermen acting they're lawyers. These simple people become dangerous when they pretend to be what they're not: they're ignorant, they can't provide any quality in what they do. This cultural, spiritual aspect is what in my opinion produces the well-known disservice and low quality of life of my region: utmost disservice in security, sanitary services and cleaning, mafia is still alive in all sectors, even graphic design, all dominated by people who don't know what they do. And, because of the culture here, they WILL NOT, ever, ever, confess they have something wrong.

This brief, but deep and soulful cultural analysis of my fuckin' town is because I need to tell you something: I attribute my agoraphobia in
relevant part to the place I live in. That's it, I'm tired to think I'm the wrong one. I am so obviosuly not that wrong.

You'll say: big guess, all cities contribute to agoraphobia. Sure. I felt terrible in London too. No city is ever going to have me, I'm a human being. Cities are for fucking, dumb robots. I am not a dumb robot. And I don't think it's cool to be one. Sorry.

Now, the last drop is I can't talk to girls anymore. As an average good looking guy (average my fuck. All guys here are hairy and brown, I'm one of the few who's blonde and delicate), at least they told me so, athletic, smiley and smooth speaker, forgive the pump, but I used to love girls and get a ton.
What the fuck is going on now. I swear, I haven't changed, I'm better at the most. Of course I'm getting more and more insecure among people, but apparently it's not anything you can notice from outside.

Girls REFUSE to talk to me anymore. I was always confident and I have always known they liked me and now WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! Sorry for the lose of temper but I'm beginning to think the gods upstairs don't like me anymore. Like some ancient greek hero.
I can't, I can't understand how else I'm living this social hell. I feel girls not only don't like me anymore, but now HATE me because I'm to free-thinking. Also, in this fuckin' bigot town there are no designers or artists, so when I say that's what I do they don't go "cool" like anywhere else, they just act like it isn't as good as being one of the many lawyer LOSERS who get jobs only because their dad have a firm. For as sad as it is, this is the plain truth, you have to believe me. I AM shedding tears. Not to let you think "poor guy", but because I'm not fuckin' ashamed to be a human being.

And I'm pissed. I want my girls back. They were important to me. I just need one now. It's a difficult time, a time of change and I wish I had some emotional support.

Sorry for the long post, I hope somebody here can understand - it's ok if you don't, we people of the "civilized world" aren't always expected to be sensitive and smart. We are expected to be stupid. Especially if you look cool.

[jitters]

Chill Jordie. I think I know where you are coming from, but seriously society will never be what we want it to be and people like us will never be what society wants. So what can we do? Not change to suit society. With out the few non robots out there the world would of ground to a halt years ago. What we have to do is accept that not everyone is capable of this kind of thought. They are trained from children to think a certain way that this is the way you should be. If you do not match up then you are sidelined, ignored or confronted by people who just dont get it.

As for the girls who knows one minuate youre gods gift the next they dont want to know you. I am going thourough a similar thing. I am now married but I still know how to charm the girls or at least I did lately they dont even see me. wierd. If you act like a prick and ignore them they will come flocking women just dont notice sensitive or artistic guys. Then they moan when they end up with some boring loser meathead. What can you do.

Acceptence is the key just accept you are a little different, and dont expect too much of the human race. Its only human.

Duncan

[Jeordie]

I'm not sure what to answer. I'll think about it and then post.
There are some things you say that don't convince me.

- why people like us will never want what society wants? I'm not sure. I felt WANTED before. And I was still me. But not now. I'm not sure what I've changed, I think I'm much better in all senses.
- why woudn't "flocking" (I'm not sure what it means) women notice sensitive or artistic guys? Nonono, I'm not used to think that way. Not all artists or sensitive guys are nerds, so they should like you. Or me. I don't know, NOW YOU CONFUSED ME. Truly.
- I can't see myself as "different". Different from what? Most people of my town would be considered pricks in northern Italy, while me...I wish I could go living there, I feel fine socially over there. I don't feel different. I'm unique, sure, which is good and normal and acceptable to people of all kinds. Only here I feel DIFFERENT.
Honestly I never cared if I was different or not, people USED to appreciate me. I stress that.

Maybe I'm paranoid, I dunno.

[V for Victor]

I may kind of see what you're saying, Jeordie.

I I tend to feel like a fish out of water where I live, too.

I plan on moving eventually, and I hope that things will be better then.

I think there are pricks everywhere, but there are also good people out there. I think a lot of times, people put up a really rough shield around themselves, so that they appear way nastier than they really are. Deep down, I think all people are sensitive and nice. But sometimes, they've let their sensitivity lay dormant for so long, you kind of have to make the first effort to tap into it.

[Jeordie]

Yes. I do that too. Sometimes I allow myself to be the prick. I act pretentiously and be the "cool one" and all. But too much it's too much. You need to really be an idiot to act like that ALWAYS. You need not to give a fuck about yourself, not to give space to yourself and what you have to say.
I care about myself, honestly. I'm more relevant than average.

I don't know if I care about the idiots anymore, my motto once was "no diamonds to hogs", but yes, deep down all people are genuine. But if they don't want to be then maybe better to leave them alone.

It's been a oh so tough day. Still don't know what to think, I think I desire to leave and finally say "oh, then that city sucked for real".

[Jeordie]

So now I've some new reflection I could share.
Today I've been trying to go out with no prejudices at all, thinking I didn't know anything about my town and its people, like it was my first day here, or almost. It's been fine. I met some interesting people and didn't worry about the others.

I tried to respect who doesn't think like I do. I have some sympathy for them. Really. Some people seem to be to be missing so much of life. They waste so much time and energy on things that don't matter even to them.

That's my reflection for today.

[jitters]

Happy Shiney Jordie is here today. :D

Refreshingly Cheery Jordie.

Duncan

[Jeordie]

Today I made more steps in the path of acceptance. I didn't care much about other people. I wasn't going to fight them. I accepted them for who they are and me for who I am. Now I know why some people can't stand me, and others love me. I'm grateful. I hope I am becoming a wise man. That is all I want from life, becoming wiser.

Living in this place is difficult to me and some others. It's being alone, it's suffering. But if I don't add more suffering, if I accept, if I don't complain, I make it and love life.

I still love the gypsies. They are my role models lately. I always smile at them, they're much closer to me than the grumpy lawyers jogging at the park. I ignore those, hoping one day they'll learn from the gypsies.

And for as amazing as it sounds to me, I'm waking up every day early, thrilled to see what the new day has to offer, grateful even for the agoraphobic shit: because this, even, is making me wiser.

[stressedntexas]

Jeordie, if I can be gently frank, and I do mean to say this VERY gently...but it sounds to me like you tend to posess some of the traits that you cannot stand in other people. For example, those lawyers jogging in the park. Do you know them personally? Let me run this by you to see what you think. I am a law student. I work to pay my own tuition, but I grew up in a small trailer with holes in the floor that a shag green carpet covered (which was the only thing that kept us from falling through the floors). I've worked 80+ hours a week before and sometimes 33 hours straight. I go to law school because some time ago, my grandfather was beaten in a nursing home until he had a stroke and went blind in one eye, then abused until he died. I swore that I would spend the rest of my life lobbying for better treatment of the elderly and lobbying for education reform. I'm sure I'll make decent money as a lawyer, drive a nice car and jog in the park. I've also noticed that the closer I get to finishing, the more of a tough exterior I develop (which may appear pretentious and/or pompous from the outside) because to make a major change in our society you have to fight. I live in a town like yours. There is an old-man's mentality with undereducated people in position to make dangerous decisions. I lobby for change. I want more funding for the arts, more tolerance for different cultures, growth, etc. I have given my last bit of grocery money to a single mother so she could buy her kids dinner, but I am your lawer jogging in the park.

You want from people what you're not willing to give them sometimes-a chance--a chance to appreciate your differences. We all vent and we all have our "meltdowns". I just want, next time you look at those lawyers jogging in the park, for you to consider the possibility that they are more like you than you think.

Maybe you're exactly what that town needs. Maybe your their diamond in the rough.

[Jeordie]

You aren't necessarely the grumpy lawyer I was talking about. Lawyers here are in a certain way, they do that for certain values, they don't care about arts or the elderly. If you are a lawyer and have a project for arts and the elderly and minorities, I appreciate that.

So, sorry you took it personally. Don't.
Be aware of a general condition and then make your change.

[stressedntexas]

I didn't take it personally. I was just trying to offer up a different perspective. Hope I wasn't out of line, but I know seeing things from a different angle sometimes helps. Just trying to offer that angle.