Coyne
06-12-2012, 11:42 AM
Hello everyone,
I'm a new member and I hope you can offer me some advice and tips on how to overcome my situation. I shall try to be completely honest here about what has happened and how, something that I do not feel I can really do with anyone in real life. Ok, here goes - please bear with me as this is the first time I'll have put all this down.
I'm a man of 29 years of age and I'd never had an issue with panic or anxiety until about 3 years ago. I used to smoke a lot of weed and did so for around ten years, although the amount that I smoked steadily grew over that time until it was probably about 1/8oz a day, every day. I never had any problems of paranoia, confidence etc, and in fact I functioned well in a good job the whole time.
However, at this point in my life 3 years ago I had just split with my GF, which devastated me and did cause me some depression - I realised later, though, that it wasn't so much the loss of her in particular, but the loss of having someone in my life and that I would now have to start again from scratch, dating and so on...
One night soon after the split, I was out driving the local back roads in the car, enjoying a smoke (as I used to do - foolishly, I know) and I had some VERY strong weed. All of a sudden and out of nowhere, I felt these sensations build up inside me - shortness of breath, dizziness, faintness and incredible tingling all through my body. I managed to pull over, but I got worse until the point where my hands literally locked shut and I couldn't open my fingers, my legs were locked solid and I actually thought I was dying as I'd had no experience of anything like this before.
After a while of trying to calm down (but also panicking like you wouldn't believe), I managed to get myself home the 15-odd minutes in the car the and went to bed, still feeling horrendous. That was the last time I smoked (weed or cigarettes... and I used to smoke a LOT of both) , and believe me, that was a MAJOR thing for me, I was HUGELY psychologically addicted to the weed and I couldn't have a day go by without it.
A couple of days later whilst at work, I had to go out in one of our vans to drop someone off somewhere, and when I left I remember feeling a little uneasy about driving the 20-30 minute journey, I think because I associated the previous days' panic with being in a vehicle and was worried about the potential consequences of what may happen if those feelings arose again (i.e crash the van, cause an accident etc) whilst driving.
I dropped this person off and set off back to work, all the time the feeling of anxiety (which I had NEVER felt before) slowly building up inside me. About halfway back, I had a massive panic attack. Went faint, dizzy, had almost no depth of breath, my muscles tightened up and tingled like I was being electrically shocked. I pulled the van over, just on the cusp of fainting, opened up the back door to the van and got inside, closing the door behind me. I laid on the floor of the van and my panic attack worsened, to the point where I was having spasms. I telephoned my work (who had no idea of any of my "issues") and somehow told them through wheezing breaths that I couldn't drive back and they'd have to send someone out to get me and the van.
Luckily, where I'd pulled over was about 5 minutes from a hospital. My work colleagues came for me and could see that I was in a bad way so took me straight to A&E. The nurses there took me straight in and checked me out and aside from the obvious and that my heart was pumping out of my chest, found nothing physically wrong with me and concluded that I had had a bad panic attack.
As I mentioned, I stopped smoking there and then, and my body also longed deeply for nicotine - I went to the doctor who said I was having massive nicotine withdrawals and I began taking gum to recover from that, which eventually worked. Over the next few days, I stayed at home and slowly recovered. I returned to work about a week later, but didn't drive any great distance for fear of triggering the attacks again. Luckily I worked about 5 minutes from home.
As the weeks and months went by, I got over the problem and started driving longer distances. Eventually, all was fine and I went about 3 years without another attack.
However, I recently went clubbing to see one of my all-time favourite DJs with a couple of friends, and took some MDMA. I hadn't done drugs for around 4 years, after doing a complete about turn compared to years before when I would occasionally take E or do coke. Only recreationally, and I never had a problem off them, but I just went off drugs completely and hence didn't do any for the 4 years or so (except the weed).
Needless to say, I overdid it on the MDMA and almost completely lost my mind in the club. I took around 4 decently sized bombs of it and took them too close together, and when they hit me... Jesus, did they hit me. I left the club immediately and somehow managed to get back to the hotel where I laid for about 6 hours, not sleeping whatsoever, but eventually feeling quite content in bed. I was, however, higher than I have EVER been in my life.
For the next week or so, I felt horrible. It took me those few days to return to something feeling like normal, it was like a VERY slow comedown, with extreme feelings of detachment, de-realisation. Luckily, I was off work all week. Toward the end of that week, though, I had to make another trip of around 4 hours each way in the car. And now I was worried that I might have a problem with the journey and anxiety/feeling detached etc. I set off on the journey and before long, I was overwhelmed by the old feelings of panic, anxiety and faintness, just like those feelings I had 3 years ago. Luckily, I had half expected this to happen (did that actually make it happen...?) and had my mother with me who ended up driving us straight home.
This was about 5 or 6 weeks ago, and ever since I've not been right. I had almost got over it about 90%, when a few days ago I had to make another journey, driving a long way and as usual, the feelings of what MAY happen started to actually trigger it happening. On this occasion, I JUST managed to stop it taking over me and made it all the way home the 4 hours in the car. But I didn't feel right and haven't since. Now I'm starting to feel those anxious feelings rising up even when I'm not driving, to the point that anything slightly unfamiliar is making me feel it. Today, I was in a training class related to my job and the class was full of people I barely knew. I began having "those" feelings again, thinking "what if it happens now!? I'm screwed" etc. Well, it ALMOST did happen, I was on the point of full on attack in front of these strangers and I only suppressed it by quickly leaving the room and slapping myself silly in the bathroom.
All day today I've been on the brink, feeling very odd and detached again, like I'm living my life from a step back and looking through my eyes from a few feet behind me.
I'm sorry for rambling, but I thought it may help if I painted the whole picture.
What do I do to stop this taking over my life!? I now have a well paid, amazing, dream job that I landed this January, a few weeks before any of this re-appeared. If I let this get hold of me, I'm at risk of losing the job, as I could not possibly do it if this takes over.
I know that thinking about the symptoms brings it on. I know that I make it worse by thinking "bad" thoughts when I've absolutely no need. But I cannot sop it! I was fine this morning before I got to class and I ended up thinking myself into a panic attack, simply by thinking "how awful would it be if I had one here, now!".
The thought of driving long distance now fills me with dread, and I love cars and used to love driving. I cannot let this get a hold of me, so please, if anyone knows how to help me then I'm all ears :(
I'm a new member and I hope you can offer me some advice and tips on how to overcome my situation. I shall try to be completely honest here about what has happened and how, something that I do not feel I can really do with anyone in real life. Ok, here goes - please bear with me as this is the first time I'll have put all this down.
I'm a man of 29 years of age and I'd never had an issue with panic or anxiety until about 3 years ago. I used to smoke a lot of weed and did so for around ten years, although the amount that I smoked steadily grew over that time until it was probably about 1/8oz a day, every day. I never had any problems of paranoia, confidence etc, and in fact I functioned well in a good job the whole time.
However, at this point in my life 3 years ago I had just split with my GF, which devastated me and did cause me some depression - I realised later, though, that it wasn't so much the loss of her in particular, but the loss of having someone in my life and that I would now have to start again from scratch, dating and so on...
One night soon after the split, I was out driving the local back roads in the car, enjoying a smoke (as I used to do - foolishly, I know) and I had some VERY strong weed. All of a sudden and out of nowhere, I felt these sensations build up inside me - shortness of breath, dizziness, faintness and incredible tingling all through my body. I managed to pull over, but I got worse until the point where my hands literally locked shut and I couldn't open my fingers, my legs were locked solid and I actually thought I was dying as I'd had no experience of anything like this before.
After a while of trying to calm down (but also panicking like you wouldn't believe), I managed to get myself home the 15-odd minutes in the car the and went to bed, still feeling horrendous. That was the last time I smoked (weed or cigarettes... and I used to smoke a LOT of both) , and believe me, that was a MAJOR thing for me, I was HUGELY psychologically addicted to the weed and I couldn't have a day go by without it.
A couple of days later whilst at work, I had to go out in one of our vans to drop someone off somewhere, and when I left I remember feeling a little uneasy about driving the 20-30 minute journey, I think because I associated the previous days' panic with being in a vehicle and was worried about the potential consequences of what may happen if those feelings arose again (i.e crash the van, cause an accident etc) whilst driving.
I dropped this person off and set off back to work, all the time the feeling of anxiety (which I had NEVER felt before) slowly building up inside me. About halfway back, I had a massive panic attack. Went faint, dizzy, had almost no depth of breath, my muscles tightened up and tingled like I was being electrically shocked. I pulled the van over, just on the cusp of fainting, opened up the back door to the van and got inside, closing the door behind me. I laid on the floor of the van and my panic attack worsened, to the point where I was having spasms. I telephoned my work (who had no idea of any of my "issues") and somehow told them through wheezing breaths that I couldn't drive back and they'd have to send someone out to get me and the van.
Luckily, where I'd pulled over was about 5 minutes from a hospital. My work colleagues came for me and could see that I was in a bad way so took me straight to A&E. The nurses there took me straight in and checked me out and aside from the obvious and that my heart was pumping out of my chest, found nothing physically wrong with me and concluded that I had had a bad panic attack.
As I mentioned, I stopped smoking there and then, and my body also longed deeply for nicotine - I went to the doctor who said I was having massive nicotine withdrawals and I began taking gum to recover from that, which eventually worked. Over the next few days, I stayed at home and slowly recovered. I returned to work about a week later, but didn't drive any great distance for fear of triggering the attacks again. Luckily I worked about 5 minutes from home.
As the weeks and months went by, I got over the problem and started driving longer distances. Eventually, all was fine and I went about 3 years without another attack.
However, I recently went clubbing to see one of my all-time favourite DJs with a couple of friends, and took some MDMA. I hadn't done drugs for around 4 years, after doing a complete about turn compared to years before when I would occasionally take E or do coke. Only recreationally, and I never had a problem off them, but I just went off drugs completely and hence didn't do any for the 4 years or so (except the weed).
Needless to say, I overdid it on the MDMA and almost completely lost my mind in the club. I took around 4 decently sized bombs of it and took them too close together, and when they hit me... Jesus, did they hit me. I left the club immediately and somehow managed to get back to the hotel where I laid for about 6 hours, not sleeping whatsoever, but eventually feeling quite content in bed. I was, however, higher than I have EVER been in my life.
For the next week or so, I felt horrible. It took me those few days to return to something feeling like normal, it was like a VERY slow comedown, with extreme feelings of detachment, de-realisation. Luckily, I was off work all week. Toward the end of that week, though, I had to make another trip of around 4 hours each way in the car. And now I was worried that I might have a problem with the journey and anxiety/feeling detached etc. I set off on the journey and before long, I was overwhelmed by the old feelings of panic, anxiety and faintness, just like those feelings I had 3 years ago. Luckily, I had half expected this to happen (did that actually make it happen...?) and had my mother with me who ended up driving us straight home.
This was about 5 or 6 weeks ago, and ever since I've not been right. I had almost got over it about 90%, when a few days ago I had to make another journey, driving a long way and as usual, the feelings of what MAY happen started to actually trigger it happening. On this occasion, I JUST managed to stop it taking over me and made it all the way home the 4 hours in the car. But I didn't feel right and haven't since. Now I'm starting to feel those anxious feelings rising up even when I'm not driving, to the point that anything slightly unfamiliar is making me feel it. Today, I was in a training class related to my job and the class was full of people I barely knew. I began having "those" feelings again, thinking "what if it happens now!? I'm screwed" etc. Well, it ALMOST did happen, I was on the point of full on attack in front of these strangers and I only suppressed it by quickly leaving the room and slapping myself silly in the bathroom.
All day today I've been on the brink, feeling very odd and detached again, like I'm living my life from a step back and looking through my eyes from a few feet behind me.
I'm sorry for rambling, but I thought it may help if I painted the whole picture.
What do I do to stop this taking over my life!? I now have a well paid, amazing, dream job that I landed this January, a few weeks before any of this re-appeared. If I let this get hold of me, I'm at risk of losing the job, as I could not possibly do it if this takes over.
I know that thinking about the symptoms brings it on. I know that I make it worse by thinking "bad" thoughts when I've absolutely no need. But I cannot sop it! I was fine this morning before I got to class and I ended up thinking myself into a panic attack, simply by thinking "how awful would it be if I had one here, now!".
The thought of driving long distance now fills me with dread, and I love cars and used to love driving. I cannot let this get a hold of me, so please, if anyone knows how to help me then I'm all ears :(