Anxiety or a real desire to break-up

[sunpilot]

Hi peeps.
I'm in my 30's and have never really had what I consider to be a proper relationship till now (Which i put largely down to social anxiety).
Now I've been in this long distance relationship for about 3 years and lately I've been having horrible bouts of anxiety about whether or not I love her or want to be with her. I don't totally understand why these bouts keep happening. I mean she isn't perfect, but I do love being with her. The only time I don't enjoy being with her is when I'm having bouts of anxiety over whether or not I want to be with her.
When the anxiety starts I try to will it away, convince myself it's just my head fucking with me, etc but then It gets too much and I have to talk to her about it (which I hate because it hurts her). Sometimes just talking about it will be enough to drive the anxiety away and all will be well. On occasion we've nearly split up, which involved a lot of tears for both of us. But then we don't split up and everything becomes okay again.
But then a few weeks later and something will spark the anxiety off again. Maybe something someone says such as "Well surely if you loved her you'd want to move to where she lives", or playing a word game where the answer was "Break-up". Or just a stressful time at work (Such as the dreaded 4 12 hour shifts in a row). My mind latches onto a niggling doubt and then I'm thrust into a whirlwind of thoughts I don't like and I'm constantly trying to battle (12 hour shifts with these kinda thoughts are hellish).


The thing is, I don't know whether these are just the normal thoughts of someone who "does" want to break-up, and my only problem is I lack the courage to go through with it, or if it's some kind of mental problem. I want it to be the latter (As weird as that may be), because when I am anxious free I really enjoy what we have, and often my main reasoning for wanting to leave her is just to get rid of the anxiety.


Can anyone shed any light on this?

[larmer]

Hello, you say you never had a proper relationship until now, it maybe all new for you? What brings on your anxiety when your with her?

[sunpilot]

It's usually when I'm not with her the anxiety starts. I guess it comes from wondering if I want to leave her or not. Weird thing is when the anxiety leaves, and I feel okay again, I'm happy that all is back to normal and I can enjoy her once again.


You say it could be because it's all new, but I was (For the most part) fine for the first 2+ years. This is a pretty recent thing. I think maybe the original cause might have been moving to a new city and feeling like she was holding me back from progressing. But the only thing holding me back is the paralysing anxiety that stops me from focusing on anything else but trying to get my head around all of this.

[larmer]

oh right well when change occurs this sometimes can be the cause of the anxiety. Your in a new city your moving on to new things progressing in your career. change is what cause the anxiety. what do you be thinking when you have an anxiety attack.

[dazza]

I've heard of health, general and other localized anxieties but relationship anxiety... is that a new one?

It's OK, I already know the answer to that one:

NO

Most people have anxieties about their where their relationship is going. Unfortunately it's quite a complicated issue.

Can you imagine yourself with her for the rest of your life? (does this question alone make you shudder? lol)

Do you get bored when you're with her for prolonged periods?

Perhaps you're a bit of a loner? I.e. a person who can't do without their own space - and therefore the thought of marriage / moving in together, etc. is a daunting one, since you'll be thinking that you'll lose that freedom?

Embarassing question & you don't have to answer, but is everything OK in the bedroom department?
(Sometimes relationships end up as "just good friends". At this point you have the option to go find something new & exciting, or work with what you have)

I've been single for many years and absolutely loved it. I'm a little pesimistic where relationships are concerned because I've seen so many break up.
I kinda convinced myself that the single life was MUCH better (and in some cases it is), BUT... I met someone a bit over a year ago and it's still good.

HOWEVER, we live separately (but only 15 miles apart), I DO like my own space and I have to concur that; I DO have anxieties about where it's going next.

There's the old "grass is always greener" thing 'n all. Perhaps there's someone out there that will completely rock your world, rather than just sway it a little bit from time to time?

It's hard I know.

You need to list all the positives and negatives and sum them up. Perhaps this will help?

[anxiousmess]

i know exactly what you are going through!!
i go through this quite often.
i have done with every relationship i have been in.

trust me, you will KNOW when and if you really do want to break up with her.

i start to question "do i love him? do i really love him? do i even know what love is? have i ever been in love before? what if this isn't love and i just think it is?"
all of that floats around my head quite often.

i'm not sure if it's anxiety or ocdish that i'm dealing with though.

i know that when i'm going through these thoughts and doubts. i question ever single aspect of the relationship. sometimes i feel as though i can't even stand him. but i KNOW i can. i KNOW i love him. i KNOW i want to be with him. yet these doubts and questions still linger around.

they are worse when my anxiety is at a heightened state. so you moving, that could definitely amplify your anxiety.
i do also have these thoughts when my anxiety doesn't seem too bad. sometimes these thoughts are the reason my anxiety kicks off!

[Buttercup]

I think when you have doubts and ask yourself these questions then you must know deep down that this relationship isn't for you. But getting the courage to break up with someone is hard. I questioned all my previous relationships and was never sure if the guys were the right ones for me. In a way I was answering my own question- if there were doubts and worries about the relationship and I couldn't see a future then it was time to move on. I have now been with someone for over 2 years and never once have I questioned if it was right or if I loved him. Now that I am in a relationship like this I see that the past ones were not right.

[dazza]

A question to you all...

What is YOUR definition of love?

I can't answer right now because I'm already late for work, lol

[laurandisorder]

Love is... Working full time in spite of ongoing anxiety issues to pay your mortgage whilst supporting your unemployed, depressed, neglectful fiancé...

Yeah. I'm a little jaded right now.

[larmer]

Love is different for every one, but for me Love is always wanting to be with some one no matter what the situation staying through good time and the bad time. That you cannot live without them.