okami1995
05-27-2012, 12:27 PM
I might as well let it all out. Over the past few months, since December in fact, I have been suffering from anxiety, though now it has turned into a more depressed state. It has built up and gotten gradually worse over the months. Here are the things causing me misery. Last year I went through a lazy phase where I would piss on my carpet. At the time I had some issues, what with leaving school after finally making some friends and feeling lonely again, but I hardly feel that's a good excuse. Next, a few times in my life, usually in my younger years around twelve, thirteen etc, I have been sexually aroused by something very strange. I know that it is an unwilling reaction caused by my body responding to a stimuli, but it's still disgusting. Okay, here goes. That strange thing was that my dog licked my arms. Yeah, I know, disgusting. In fact, the first few times it happened in my life I never even fully realized that it was sexual arousal I was feeling. It was only when it happened early in this year that I realized what was happening. I am not at all attracted to dogs, nor does the thought of being licked by one appeal to me sexually at all, it was just a biological reaction, but I can't help but feel ashamed. If people knew, they would find me disgusting and mock me, at least that's how I feel. Next, I betrayed my sister. A few years ago, about four I'd say, I told an old acquaintance of hers about her using weed. I probably didn't think it was bad to tell in my younger mind, but the thing is, I accidentally told him the wrong drug, something like cocaine, making it sound a lot worse than it was. I don't remember if I later told him of my mistake or not, and I don't know whether to contact him on facebook and tell him now. Also, I'm afraid that people will negatively judge me over my use of porn, even though practically everyone in the male gender, and even some girls, watch porn. This one is pretty bad. When I was eight, I lost my fifteen year old cousin, and when I was ten, I lost my grandmother. I can't remember them all that well, but still, the point remains. Last year, I was talking to some of my friends. I brought up the deaths of them, and it feels to me now that I brought it up to gain sympathy. I didn't think of it like that then, and I had some social insecurities, but on hindsight, I realized what I did. And finally, sometimes, I share a bed with my mother. We never sleep in the same bed, but we'll watch tv and read and stuff. Even though I know there is nothing wrong with this, I still feel bad about it, like people would mock me if they knew. I never used to care what people thought, so why have I started now. I just want to go back to feeling the way I did before in my younger days, enjoying my life, not really caring what other people thought, not thinking of the negative things in life. But that time is gone now, and now I'm just a depressed wreck. I wish I could tell someone, like my mother, the person I trust the most in the world, but I've just trapped myself in a state where I'm too ashamed to tell anyone except anonymously on the internet. I know my mum will love me no matter what I do, but the way I feel right now, I can't tell anyone these things. I want to be able to tell people this stuff in real life, because I don't know if I'll ever get past these things. On a side note, I do not see a psychologist about my problems, I guess I'm to ashamed to confide in them either, even though it is impersonal. Please, someone help me. Just tell me, what the hell is wrong with me.