feeling disgusted with myself

[okami1995]

Hi all. Lately, I have improved, but I still feel a lingering depression. The bad things (or at least what I perceive as bad things in this state) I've done keep circulating through my head. One such thing is as follows. This is pretty gross and embarrassing. A few times in my life, I have accidentally been aroused by something that would be perceived as weird or disgusting. I don't want to go into too much detail, but basically, my body experienced a stimuli and responded accordingly. This is nothing I find sexually appealing in the slightest, but at the few times it has happened, I never stopped it, I guess I never even thought about what was happening, at least not until recently when it resurfaced in my memory. I know this was totally involuntary, that it was just my body responding to stimuli completely against my will, but I can't help but worry that people would perceive me as weird and disgusting if they knew. It's one of the many things causing me depression at the moment, and I just want to feel better about it. Can anyone help me.

[anxiousmess]

i definitely still stick with me thinking you have ocd.
everything you type seems like something the typical pure o sufferer would come out with.

a pure o sufferer could also question their sexuality at times. like they would see somebody of the same sex, and start thinking "does this mean im attracted to them? am i gay? no i'm not....but what if i am secretly?"

are you receiving any kind of treatment for your intrusive thoughts?

[okami1995]

No. But is this really nothing to worry about, because it feels that way. I mean, this wasn't anything conventional at all, it was completely weird.

[anxiousmess]

no there is nothing to worry about at all!
if you find whatever aroused you, as disgusting as you say, then you didn't find whatever it was attractive in the slightest.
it wasn't your fault that it happened - and it most certainly wasn't because you were attracted to whatever it was.
therefore, there is nothing wrong.

an ocd suffer could see a knife, and visualise themselves stabbing their child/partner/friend and then feel terrible about it - even though they knew they would never do such a thing. the thought alone tortures them and makes them feel like they are an awful person - when they really aren't! it was just an intrusive thought, that everyone has at times - just ocd sufferers tend to amplify those thoughts and can't seem to switch them off.
hence why some of your thoughts resurface after years and still bother you!

[anxiousmess]

Pure-O Mental Compulsions

Trying to “figure out” why you’re having a certain thought.
Trying to counteract, neutralize, or balance out negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
Trying to forcefully control an obsessive thought.
Trying to “figure out” what type of person you are (e.g., questioning your own morality).
Avoiding certain situations, people, or activities so that you don’t have an obsession.
Reassuring yourself (e.g., telling yourself, “I’d never do that.”).
Postponing certain behaviors or thoughts until “the right time” or until “they feel right.”
Repeating thoughts, phrases, or words in your head.
Repeatedly praying or asking for forgiveness (in a way that is not typical for others who share your faith).
Getting stuck in an OCD doubt/reassurance loop.
Asking questions and seeking reassurance from others.
Over-analyzing one’s own behavior or body and trying to do things “normally.”

[haileey]

Pure-O Mental Compulsions

Trying to “figure out” why you’re having a certain thought.
Trying to counteract, neutralize, or balance out negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
Trying to forcefully control an obsessive thought.
Trying to “figure out” what type of person you are (e.g., questioning your own morality).
Avoiding certain situations, people, or activities so that you don’t have an obsession.
Reassuring yourself (e.g., telling yourself, “I’d never do that.”).
Postponing certain behaviors or thoughts until “the right time” or until “they feel right.”
Repeating thoughts, phrases, or words in your head.
Repeatedly praying or asking for forgiveness (in a way that is not typical for others who share your faith).
Getting stuck in an OCD doubt/reassurance loop.
Asking questions and seeking reassurance from others.
Over-analyzing one’s own behavior or body and trying to do things “normally.”

Wow I do almost all of these things...what are these symptoms of??

[anxiousmess]

those are symptoms of pure o ocd