Lost

[cheesehead24]

Over the past two years I have really took a turn for the worst. Things were good but also bad. I went away to college like I promised myself I would, but this was the first time I've ever been gone from home and my parents for longer then 2 weeks. I have this huge fear of dying and also my dad dying. I am very close with my dad and I panic when I think about the day that he won't be here and I literally think I'll go insane. So without seeing him and my mom I freaked. I'm the manager of our schools volleyball team so we were gone every single weekend and I never got to see my parents. I would have terrible thoughts and panic and make myself almost sick. I didn't give up though I stayed at school. By now it's summer and in two years I have gained 50 pounds and practically afraid of my own shadow. People always tell me I'm really funny pretty and a great friend, sometimes people I don't even know. But me, I feel like I am a worthless ugly fat piece of shit... :'(

[russells]

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself. I'm suffering from anxiety too but I get physical symptoms that's making me unwell. I hope someone comes along to give you some helpful pointers as my post isn't helping much but I wanted to acknowledge your thread. It's good to talk :-)

[hopeNfaith88]

Hey cheesehead,

Im 20 and started college 3 years ago (4 hours away from my home). And can definitely relate. When i turned 18 becoming an adult really depressed me, then leaving my home for school made it double hard. I remember when my parents hugged me goodbye the first time after moving me up to college, i faught back tears and when i watched their car drive away from my dorm room i had a breakdown and cried for hours. Part of my depression when i turned 18 was realizin my mortality. Realizing i wasnt a kid anymore. I started pondering things about lifes purpose and what happens when we die etc. i really went into a slump. My parents are divorced and have been since i was 3 and neither have remarried. I felt for my mom for the first couple of years what u feel for your dad. i didnt want to lose her and was always scared for her health. Shes healthy but i just always was scared something was going to happen to her. I also got so upset thinking "shes probably so lonely" since she didnt have a man. Do you know what made it better for me? And its this simple: when i saw her in person next i told her how much she means to me and i cried. I told her how much i need her and always will. She told me its ok and said she still needs my gma so she understands. It felt good to cry and tell her how much she means to me. Now we have a great relationship and she recently got a boyfriend which made me happy to know shes not lonely anymore. When im away at school we talk every single day text and onthe phone, and i come home once a month to hang out with her. Our relationship has grown alot.

I suggest talk to your dad and do what i did with my mom. Also dont be so hard on yourself. I gained 80 lbs during a 5 year relationship i got comfortable and let myself go. I know its depressing too because ur not used to being that size when youve been a certain weight most of your life. Whati did was start exercising at my college gym with a few of my health concious friends and with being a volleyball player i know u have plenty! Also start cooking for yourself i dropped weight when i moved from a dorm to apt and could cook quality meals.

Hang in there!!!

[cheesehead24]

Thank you guys both for the response I really appreciate it.

I have talked to my dad. But my parents are pretty hard on me.my little sister gets everything she wants and my older sister who is moved out and graduated from college is the teen child. She can do no wrong. We all need to strive to be her. My parents like to tell me day in and day out and selfish I am. Which honestly I'm not more or less selfish than any other junior in college 20 year old girl is. My parents also like to tell me that I treat the. Like second class citizens which is funny because my little sister can ONLY talk to them when she needs something...literally, but I come home from 9 hours say hey to them then go to bed and I'm a piece of shit. I never get in trouble, ever, yesterday I got pulled over for driving on expired licsene (I justttt got home from school and I was going to renew it today) the cop pulled me over because he pulled me up Ike they do thousands of ppl everyday) and saw that it was expired. My parents thought I was lying they thought I was texting and driving which I never do. My little sister is in trouble all the time and my parents don't do anything I put the milk in the wrong spot and get yelled at.

As for the weight thing thanks for the tips :) I started working out everyday and I'm happy to say in 8 days im down 4 lbs :))